Saturday, June 30, 2018

Reason 7: Wants & Needs


I learned over the years that there’s really no differentiating between wants and needs. Besides definitions. We all have our own understanding of what both words mean to us. And to each their own. But what I did find out was the fact that my wants and needs changed over the years. Some for the better, others not. The rest were either adjusted or removed or compromised into something else.



It didn’t make sense until one day I was talking to my uncle. He was smart, wise and knew a lot about life. I remember telling him someone was clowning me for working so hard after my mom (his sister) passed. He asked why I was working so hard. I said well because I wanted to have heat, water and lights. I wanted to eat and have gas money you know? He said yeah the basic shit. Well yeah. He said people will sit there and tell you how materialistic you are and how you putting wants over needs. But you need water to cook and bathe in. You need the lights to watch your tv, charge your electronics and cook and wash clothes. You need the heat to dry clothes, run the stove and keep you warm in the winter right? I said yessir. So you WANT those things. There are some materialistic items such as those that are wanted because it’s a nice luxury, might make life easier. You’re not out here buying a new car or doing drugs are you? I told him maybe a little drugs lol. He said that’s ok too fuck it, but if you can say hey I got a place to stay, food to eat and my utilities let people talk. They don’t have or own shit and think it’s a given.


He's right. I think about that when someone or mostly a man asks me why I don’t have time to bullshit around. Um I like my utilities and food and having my car. Those may be material items but those are what I need and what I want to have. Every so often I’ll splurge and buy a book or go to the movies or out to dinner. But I mostly work hard to make sure that bills are paid, gas is in the car and I have everything I need without needing additional help.



It amazes me when I started working in a utility company seeing how people felt a weeklong vacation to a tropical attraction was more important than paying their light bill. I rather have lights than have a vacation. Your home is supposed to be your paradise from the rest of the outside world. If you can’t be happy or contented at home. How are you even having fun on a vacation. I would be devastated knowing that I went to Hawaii and my bills are past due or shit is getting shut off. It’s hard enough for me to not feel guilty buying a $4 used book and having bills slightly past due! But got to take each day at a time, right? That comes with everything we do. We all have needs that are important and then we have wants that are also important. Sometimes they cancel each other out. Like currently I’m getting my car fixed due to traffic violations and I have to go to court as well. It may not be on my wants or within my budget but it’s something I need to do to if I want the violation taken away and not have my right as a driver taken away which is a need. Tongue twister. I wanted new tires for my care but I felt the price was outrageous ($385)….But I also want the utilities still on, so my whole paycheck went to bills and I’m stuck with like $40 until next pay which is going to the car away lol. 


It’s a weird balancing act of keeping things cordial and satistified at the same time. I remember last year when I lost my job and had shut off notices out of the ass. I said to my ex that I had an appointment to go to see about getting help and I needed MY CAR for the day. I told him I’d take him home and to work whatever. Oh that motherfucker didn’t show back up until after I missed my appointment and says to me that he doesn’t have to do what I want to do. Which basically meant his needs and wants came before mine. SO you rolling your bitch around in MY CAR bringing it back to me fucked up and shit missing and having a good ole time is more important than me having utilities and  a place to stay. Gotcha! So I learned my needs/wants may differ from other’s and may not be as important to them as they are to me. It took a lot for me to understand that and learn to appreciate that.


Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Reason 6: That Drive


I think one  thing that’s important is creating that drive in life. That determination, that “I wake up every morning just for this” feeling. I feel like that should be implemented while we’re kids. I find when you give a little person that motivation and cheer them on. That would probably have helped a lot of people of today who are always whining or so unmotivated. However that little bit does help and go a long way, but we still need our own passionate self-motivation. That I can say is probably one of the hardest things to find when discovering ourselves. 


College helps, young adulting helps too, but none really give you that drive you’re looking for or need. I honestly didn’t find my drive (my determination) until I was getting towards my 30s. So that right there says a lot right? But the crazy part about it is that it’s not what you would think or what we’re made to believe. That drive isn’t kids or pets or career related. It has nothing to do with relationships, family or education or a prestigious resume. It’s the most random thing that gets you going and the best part is that once you find it. You can’t help but to feed into it and keep going. It’s what makes you the most happiest, it brings the best out of you. Now the other factors I mention can come into play and super-size that drive into something spectacular no doubt. I guess what I’m trying to say is that your drive is intangible. It’s something that you can always possess without it being taken away from you.


My drive at first was Hawthorn. After my mom died he gave me the need to want to continue on and not go jump off a bridge (lack of better terms). And he remained that determination until his sister Lily-Rose passed away last year. I was aware one day they would die. However I never took time out to think how I would handle it. Let’s just say I didn’t handle it well at all. It freaked me out and became slight traumatizing. Then I said to myself it’s ok, I still have Hawthorn. Well much to my chagrin, shortly after Lily died, Hawthorn got really sick and was close to death himself. That’s when I knew that my drive this entire time, could be taken away from me and I’d be sitting there in limbo trying to figure out what the hell is going to happen next. So during my time of unemployment, after being shifted by a shiesty boss, I took time out to think about what I wanted to do. What I needed and also what I expected of myself. I decided to try new things. I wrote 3 books, I created hair jewelry. For the first time I felt super excited and alive! I realized then that my passion isn’t so much to survive like everyone else. That’s a natural instinct. It’s because I want to succeed but on my own terms and determination. Not by others who want to tell me an outrageously high and egotistical standard of success based and bias upon themselves. No. I’m not meant to have a boss. I AM THE BOSS (ok!). I’m tired of trying to impress people and be what they need and still not be good enough. Fuck that. I’m going to be LéSans and everyone’s going to know my name. I may not have instant success, but doesn’t mean I won’t be successful later in life. Things take time to grow. Can’t plant a seed tonight and expect a tall tree of blossoms in the morning, right?








Monday, June 11, 2018

Lonely AF

This is basically me lol 

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Reason 3: Lesson Learned?


I realized like days and posts later I didn’t post it although I thought I did lol 


Once in a while I come across one of those “A-ha” moments. You know where you finally realize you’ve being doing something wrong or the hard way and there’s that epiphany moment of well oh shit I didn’t know that… Yeah.


These last couple years I LEARNED A LOT. Some several times over because let’s face it I’m a Taurus I’m hardheaded lol. However after hitting 30 I kinda told myself we gotta do better. There is no need that I need to be going on a remedial hike over the same shit constantly. I feel like this time around I was more aware. Some I did let the mistake happen to see what the possible outcome would be.  For example (or a couple) I knew my man cheated on me I tried to move on and reconcile with him, he still fucked up treated me like crap and that happened several times over and over again. Had a friend use me and fuck me over financially and I was well aware it was going to happen and I let it happen. Things like that.


But I realized something. I didn’t want to be in my 40s still doing this same shit. Like GOD, fix it! I couldn’t fathom being 41 letting a man fuck with my feelings and moral fiber or a friend treat me like crap and I have to accept that as friendship. I didn’t want be 41 trying to make a job work or it being my 20th job in a 5 year span. I didn’t want to be struggling to make ends meet or be behind on bills or trying to fix a car older than me. No. I can’t imagine that. Honestly it’s been 5 years since I’ve been on my own you’d think I’d have myself somewhat together and I don’t. I’m hoping in the next 5 years that I do. However the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that no matter what(!)—no one comes before me.


I don’t mean in a negative selfish way. I was raised to always help someone because you never knew who would help you. Even though I’ve received little to no help. I still did it because that’s what I was taught. But I realized that sometimes you can’t help everyone else especially if you’re not helping yourself. I can’t be helping my “friend” or “man” out financially when I can’t even pay own bills or help myself out financially. I can’t be worried about someone’s transportation issues, if they’re the same person that won’t give me a ride when I need it. It’s ok to be compassionate and assist when acceptable. But you shouldn’t give all of yourself to a person who’s not even giving you  a mere morsel of themselves. That aint right.


This year I’ve learned to keep my success to myself. Even the slightest thing. I found when I boasted about it whatever it was I either lost it or never came into fruition. I learned to cut people off and focus on me and my needs. I got goals to accomplish. I want a new house at some point. I want to move out of state. But I need to be right financially and mentally to make that move. However when I focus on other people and their issues, I ended up helping them cleanse their problems and taking on theirs and still have mine too. I was tired of waiting on people to do fun stuff with me or for me because I wasn’t doting or fawning over them.


Well I’m 31 and I’m not having it. Unh-unh honey no more. That bullshit stops TODAY well it technically stopped on May 20, 2018 but you get my drift. I went out, I went and did what I wanted—movies, dinner, arcades galore—got me an ice cream birthday cake. In a long time I actually enjoyed my birthday. I had fun. I felt better too because I wasn’t dragging other people’s problems with me, or having them trying to block my shine or ruin my good mood. I didn’t have to be restricted or uncomfortable… It LEGIT was a good day! I said well I’ll be damned maybe I need to do this more often. And you know what?? Lesson learned….I plan to.


Saturday, June 9, 2018

Reason 5: Work Ethics


I always thought I had a pretty decent worth ethic. I learned the basics from my parents and always felt ready for the working world. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. I was prepared but definitely not ready. I was told by my parents that if I showed up to work on time, be a team player and go in everyday no issues the employer will love me and I’d have little to no issues. I could succeed within the positon and company and create a career. Which is true, but only so much.


They only talked to me about how work ethics worked when they were working which is some 40 year difference. Then jobs accepted people and trained them and gave them job security. Jobs nowadays barely even offer paid time off or health care. I never thought working would so damned difficult. There I said it. I don’t care. It’s difficult as fuck for no reason. The prisons treat the inmates better than these companies do. I took my parents taught me into my jobs but I never considered that they would go unappreciated and I would be taken for granted and advantage of. I would be considered more of a crutch to the company opposed to an asset.


I had to learn that being early gets noticed but not for me being a diligent worker. One job had me show up almost an hour early before my schedule shift and then not pay me for it. Others have had me start as soon as I got there. No no. I start at 11:30 I’mma be ready for work at 11:31 not 11:14ambut you don’t start paying me until 11:31…. No no honey it don’t work that way and I’m not having it. I’ve had my paycheck messed up and no one wanted to fix or correct it. I’ve been promised time off and it get revoked without my knowledge. Even when getting dismissed from a company I received misinformation or information LATE and then told it was my fault I didn’t ask. How am I going to ask for information that is supposed to be given to me so I know to ask. It’s not like we’re talking potty training here or that we know blue and red makes purple. This is that oh you should’ve know that blue and orange make gray or that 1-2 month old kittens don’t know how to pee unless you rub their tummy. Shit that I need told to me. But I’m supposed to know this next level knowledge. I don’t like that. But I know it comes from this well I had to do it and so will you thought process but that’s not fair to jeopardize someone’s livelihood to quench your insatiable thirst.


However, I learned something with the last two jobs I had. Just can’t do my FUCK THIS JOB I’M LEAVING temper tantrum anymore. I’m getting older and it’s getting harder to find a job, let alone trying to find help. Single women are the country’s favorite thing unless we’re getting married and popping out babies. So instead of spazzing out like I want to do, I can’t I have to accept the mistreatment *eye roll* and keep it pushing if I want my job.


But(!) I decided to do things differently this time. I’ve been working diligently on my side business. I always pushed it to the side because I felt it wasn’t a right time or I wasn’t as financially stable as I wanted to be. So I continuously put it off, plus I wasn’t sure what it was going to be anyway. Yeah I did my flips and sold items years ago, but I needed to do something more. Especially now since items and resources are so readily available. I consider doing nails but I also didn’t want to be put in the position where someone is petty and wants to report me. However someone gave me an idea last year and I was able to turn that idea into something and it started me to think of other things to do. So now I’m making hair jewelry, eventually I’ll be starting on bath bombs, lip balms, soaps, maybe bath salts and still perfecting roller ball perfume. But what if I start something magical and not so clichéd? I think that’ll be awesome. I’m super excited about it. So between my 2 jobs, I’ll be working on my business as well. Lets not forget I wrote 3 books, and hoping to publish more (goal is to publish 2 this month). Since I’m self-publishing I’m still working on getting it distributed across all platforms as well. I don’t want to work for someone else’s dream to make a livelihood while being unappreciated the entire time. Yeah I know I won’t hit instant success but I also don’t want to be stuck scrounging for income because I lost a job or had one taken from me because someone else saw fit. That’s ok, I have a backup plan to a backup plan and I’m damned and determined to succeed.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Reason 4: Crying Helps


I used to think that you had to be strong for all things in life. People take the benefit of the doubt of crying as a child because it’s a form of expression then. But as you get older they say to stop crying or stop your whining, you need to grow up or toughen up. But why exactly? Probably the reason why so many people have mental issues because society regulates when and how they can be emotional so to speak.


Unfortunately I was a product of it to. Crying was always bad. I’m a crybaby. I can recall spending a many of days in my room crying or sobbing softly to myself because I didn’t want to be scolded or ridiculed by my parents, family or friends for being weak. They made me feel that was my most vulnerable state and my world would fall utterly apart if anyone saw me or heard me shed a tear too many. To a point it did help. It toughen me up where it’s rare if I do cry. Then I came across a saying that state crying helps cleanse the soul. Which I do agree. But I think it does more than that. It relieves the frustration that was building up, that break down helps make things clearer, it brings that raw emotion that is by far the most fascinating that we don’t see every day. We see sadness or forced sadness but never someone crying. Babies cry at everything…but you’ll never see an adult doing the same.


When my dad passed, I cried a lot. When my mom passed, I cried here and there but it was so emotionless. To the point it bothered people that I was walking around sobbing. HUH? What do you mean?? What the hell? Then it dawned on me well people want to see you cry to take pity on you and it gives them an emotional boost. I remembered it from when my dad passed everyone was so sorrowful and wanted to be helpful. But when the help was really needed or wanted; they had more excuses than a man caught cheating on wife. It was sickening to me. But I refused to be in the same situation crying for comfort and people aren’t doing it for my best interest or out of love but to feel inferior to me. So I refused to cry. I didn’t want to be perceived as weak or vulnerable. 


It bothered people. A lot. 



But then shortly after my mother passing, and things weren’t going right and people were treating me like crap and the realization of being just ME on my own forever. It tore me apart. I wanted to cry but I knew that I shouldn’t because I didn’t want to be weak. But I learned that I can hide how I truly feel. Whether I’m being honest with other people or not. I need to be true to myself. I learned I started to feel a whole lot better when I did cry, even if I was in so much pain. People are going to judge and say I’m weak because I haven’t experience child birth or had my first love break my heart… there is not measurement in how broken you can feel.  There isn’t a determination of worthiness when you need to breakdown and cry. Shit happens, although crying doesn’t alleviate the issue, it takes off some of the frustration and cloudiness.


Now I find that the slightest thing sends me over the edge. I watched a kid movie a while ago and I started sobbing uncontrollably like a baby. I got teary eyed driving to work today thinking about the bad day I had yesterday, even though I cried about it yesterday after work. It’s sad as hell but I like it. I feel like I’m back on the right path. I feel emotionally better, it still needs work but I feel like the burden has been lifted some. I feel like I’m on a new journey of rediscovering who I am and who I was.

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