Friday, May 25, 2018

Reason 2: It’s Ok To Be A Screw Up


So one thing, that I feel I’m a professional in is screwing up. Whether it’s Big Time or Royally—I’m a pro at it. The craziest part about it all is the fact that it used to bother me a lot. Because other people were bothered by my mistakes or human errors or screws ups. I used to feel bad for disappointing them and making them feel some sort emotion whatever that is. In a weird way, I do understand. You put your hopes and dreams into a person place them on the highest pedestal and have exaggeratedly high expectations—only to be let down HARD and be emotional. So yeah, I get that. However, why do we even do that? We never as people accept someone for who they are and what they bring to the table. We always expect more, want to change them or live in this fantasy world. But that can’t be. Because then you’re not even getting what you want, because of course over time people change, wants change, even needs change. Yet it’s our first go-to as a human when being mutually involved with another human being. It’s crazy!


Anyway. Knowingly disappointing people made me feel bad, real bad. I would be depressed or mope around. Probably cry in a corner somewhere over it lol. I hated it because I felt like everyone around me wanted me to be someone that I wasn’t or didn’t feel comfortable in being. I felt like I was being forced to be someone I didn’t know and I had no say in the matter of it.  Whether it was by my parents, family, friends or potential “boyfriends” I felt like I had to change into a LeSans that was more aesthetically pleasing to them. Forget about how I felt or what I wanted. 


It was until I gotten older, in college I screwed up bad. My dad was pissed. Even when I felt the only way to fix the issue was to leave college, he told me no. Well later I told my mom about my issue then with my dad she told me we’ll you should’ve dropped out that would’ve shown him. I’m like WHUT?! What do you mean? She said well if you didn’t like it or didn’t feel comfortable you can always leave a situation no matter what anyone else thinks or has to say about it. He wasn’t there so he can’t say if it was hard or difficult. But he can’t tell you to do something if you felt it wasn’t right. Which was weird coming from her. But she was right. Sometimes we can’t focus on the outcome or the other person’s feelings, we come first, we make mistakes, we screw up. Until we learn to embrace that quirk we can never be ok with anything else in life. We’ll be too focus on what someone else will say or how they’ll feel. 


So guess what? I’m a college dropout from an Ivy League school (more of a flunkie), I’ve been pregnant on several occasions (much to my chagrin) luckily not a mom trying hard to keep it that way. I’m always in a new job whether I quit or lose it, I stay for maybe a year or so lol. I fucked up on my bills like ALL THE TIME. Even fucked up royally with the IRS. I’ve messed up friendships trying to be a friend or being too submissive. I got fucked over by fuck boys in every way and form possible. I’m a disappointment to my family, friends hate me and men can’t stand me. I’m what they call a bitter ass old cat lady and you know what??? I love every single moment of it. I have no one to please but myself. I know I’m a screw up and I make sure that I don’t try to be too hard on myself. If I make a goal I try to stick with it, if I don’t oh well no biggie. I’ll try again next time, hopefully tomorrow. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t aim to be. Neither should you.


So next time someone throws a major fit on you because you were being human, you tell that obnoxious prick to fuck off because if you did it to them they would be ever so emotionally dramatic will the fall out. Let them know you’re proud to be a screw up. 


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