Thursday, January 19, 2017

Wednesday, January 18, 2017



A Half Child

I came across this random post on Facebook earlier during my insomnia. About people finding out about their half siblings. It was through Whisper. I decided to read it, but it wasn't until I kept scrolling that it hit home for me. It started to hurt. Because all I could think of is that my kid is going to be in that position. All because me and her dad couldnt work out our differences. In step further him being difficult and uncooperative. 

However the more I scrolled the more I got disturbed and wondered how many people felt like this? I have no idea, I never had siblings. The thought or basically for me to know that my child has 3 older brothers and sister that she may never meet or may be able to meet one day but never form any kind of bond bothers me more than me being a single parent. So even though she'll have siblings they may never accept her for whatever the reason may be. They may never acknowledge her. They may even pretend she doesn't exist (kind of what of her father does now). Or they may even sustain a half ass relationship with her to borrow money, mooch off her or just use her. I don't want that either. But it's a weird subject. Honestly I'm not sure how to approach the subject if she ever asks me one day. Like this is all uncharted territory for me and I'm going in ass backwards hoping for the best outcome. 

But I will say this. Even to those who are half siblings or have them. This is coming from an only child. It's better to have ANY KIND of siblings than none at all. 

I can't give my child, aunts or uncles or cousins or grandparents. All because it's just me. It sucks. I kind of grew up like that but with both parents. Older cousins, distant aunts and uncles and a grandma who didn't live too long. I remember from grade school it seemed like every other day was sibling day or being your grandmother or grandfather to school day. And I could never participate and always had to take a sit somewhere on my lonesome. But I longed to have siblings. It would be nice to figure things out with a brother or sister. Or to have someone there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Or even be an aunt to someone. I will never get that chance. I KNOW from first hand experience how much it sucks to not have a close family.  It makes you bitter, mean, unhappy and jealous of other families. I personally had family get togethers and holiday dinners because I have to sit in a room full of strangers I'm related to that not only CANNOT spell my name correctly but don't even know how old I am. We don't even have anything generally in common. It's horrid. I hate the winter holidays for that very reason. 

However don't denounce your half siblings because you share just a mom or a dad and have separate families. That's so fucked up. Life is short, and you should be so grateful to have something that a lot of people don't have. 

It's like having your dad walk you down the aisle for your wedding or dancing with him at your reception. A lot of women don't experience it. But if you have a father and he wants to work things out humor him. It's the little things that count. 

I hope that one day even through all this bullshit with her dad. We can get along enough to have the kids meet and maybe form some sort of bond. Plus who wants their kids dating each other??? UGH THATS EVEN WORST!!! 

I damn sure don't want my child dating their half sibling. That's a disaster waiting to happen!

But on the same token if we never come to a mutual agreement. Me and her dad. Then I still will tell her she has 2 brothers and a sister (that I'm aware of). Tell her who her dad is (that he's partially psycho lol). Just got her knowledge so she doesn't feel I'm just here. There's been a lot of times I felt like I'm just here. That my family was only me, my mum and my dad. That's it. I want her aware of other relatives and family members even if she never sees them or create a relationship with them. At least she knows. 

So before you knock having a half sibling. Be happy. That person maybe your life saver one day or that support you needed. 

I'd take a half sibling any day. 

Monday, January 16, 2017

It's Not OK!

So today was probably my worst day so far in the new year. I've been having an on going battle with my boyfriend of 2 years. We've been arguing a lot lately. Which he calls a disagreement. But blaming someone they're cheating or making radical racial slurs is an argument. But also on the same token he's been rude, disrespectful and just a plain ass to me. And I guess today I had enough. 

But between friends and everyone saying to try and work it out. Or hear him out, continue loving him. To break up with the asshole you deserve better! All those are easier said than done. It took me a whole month to break up with him. And he didn't want to break up. But within all this I have a point to make. I've googled and I've search and nothing spoke to my situation. NOTHING. Between him acting like an asshole all the time and my ex acting like any minute we're going to get back together. It's been a real fucking pain. 

And I know somewhere there's girl in my shoes wonder what the hell to do. What to do when your boyfriend doesn't want to break up. What to do when you're pregnant by your long term boyfriend and he denies your baby. What to do when your ex won't take the hint and move the fuck on. What to do when everyone is telling you break up like you buy the shit at the store. What to with yourself and your heart when you know you love that person so much it hurts and it tears you apart inside. What to do when you know you'll never get that apology, that hug or that love from someone who feel they're not wrong. They don't see a problem with their actions. 

It's not ok when your man disrespects you. If he says the slightest thing. It's not ok. He shouldn't say you're a lying cheating whore, that the baby he made with you isn't his and he refuses to claim it. He shouldn't be begging you for money and not paying you back or using your car and bring it back on empty. He shouldn't keep your relationship with him a secret or on the hush-hush. If he has kids, you should at least meet them before anyone else. He shouldn't be withholding sex or love from you. He shouldn't demand you give him blow jobs or meet his every need and want. He shouldn't treat you like a maid or servant. He damn sure shouldn't get mad when you start doing better like getting s car or getting a new job or a better place to live. He shouldn't be telling you how you have to have permission to have male friends. Or to have roommates in your house if he's not even willing to help you with bills or expenses. You shouldn't have to beg him to do things for you. And you damn sure shouldn't have to get this indecisive ass answer on whether or not he's going to help you or not. He shouldn't be blaming you for his downfall or failures. He shouldn't blame others for misfortunes and difficult situations. He shouldn't be trying to mold you into someone you're not. Whether it's faint, heavy, aggressive, or smoothering—he has to accept there are dislikable things about you. But constantly pointing them out and wanting them to be changed, washed away or adjusted isn't acceptance. He shouldn't be affording the next man the opportunity to help you and get mad because someone else didn't want to see you struggle. If he can't tell you where he's at, where he's been or who he's with. Hell if he can't tell you where he lives or even go so far to ignore you and keep in contact with you based on his convenience alone. WHATEVER IT MAY BE—if he made you cry and laughed while you were hurting. 


It's not. Get out while you can. 

You can do so much better. If you want to. If you don't that's ok too. Worry about what's best for you. 

That man is suppose to love you. You shouldn't have to chase him. If he cared, he wouldn't give you a reason to second guess his actions or conversation. He would communicate with you and to you. There is no screaming matches or him telling you how stupid you are or evading questions or talking over you. You wouldn't have to struggle. And you all would be able to make sound decisions whether that's on a future together, marriage, kids or even just making a plan on date night. He shows you how much he cares. He wouldn't want to see you struggle. He would be proud and happy that you're becoming a better woman, a better person. He would be your strength. He will love everything about you. He wouldn't do something that would jeopardize your relationship and risk him losing you. He'd be good to you. And will always remain good to you. Because he loves you.  

But if your man isn't doing any of that. Or acts like taking you on a date or being good to you is a chore or a problem. Then honey you don't need him. 

If you're paying for dates, or gas in his car or sexually satisfying him and he's not giving you shit. Then leave him—immediately. It ain't worth it. 

You can do bad on your own. 

Make 2017 count. Drop the bad relationship. Drop the inconsiderate cunt of a boyfriend. Tell the ex boyfriend who's turned into a crazed stalker to bugger  off. Work on being a good woman, a good mom and an even greater person. Travel, see the world, have fun, take the risk, get a new job, new home, new car, go make new friends if you have to. If you aanr love baby let it find you. If you don't that's ok. It's ok to be bitter and unhappy for awhile. Don't let anyone have the opportunity to disrespect you and hurt your soul. And don't let someone else tell you that you're wrong for feeling jaded for being betrayed by someone you loved wholeheartedly. Fuck them. 

Just please. Please don't fuck up like I did. You don't want to be unhappy and pregnant and all alone. It's sucks. 

So please whatever you do. Please fight for you. And if you have a baby, fight for them. They're all you got in the end and you can't be weak or waver. You got to be the bamboo among trees and yes you will bend and sway but continue to stay strong and hold on. 

You'll overcome one day. 

Independent Women Aren't Difficult, They're Survivors



So since it is Dr. King's birthday I wanted to post a few of my favorite quotes. None of the ordinary. I wanted to post the ones that are notable but often overlooked. These speak the loudest to me. 


“I have the audacity to believe that peoples everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and dignity, equality and freedom for their spirits.”

“Not everybody can be famous, but everybody can be great, because greatness is determined by service.”

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

"I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?"

"The time is always right to do what is right."


Saturday, January 14, 2017

Monday, January 9, 2017



Sunday, January 8, 2017

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Kwanzaa | Imani | Faith


First and foremost Happy New Years guys & dolls!


I’m sorry this posted late. I was hanging out with my best friend for life AKA Baby Cousin. I decided to borrow her a bit since I had nothing else to do and give my Aunt & cousin (her gram and dad) a break. I remember being young and sitting at home with old people was the pits. Even though I wanted to spend time with my older cousins they weren’t interested and wanted to go have fun. And kids my age had brothers and sisters and family activities. So that’s what I was doing.




On to it.




Imani means Faith. 


"To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle"



One thing I’ve learned is that faith can go a long way within a relationship. You’ve got to have faith for the relationships, for and within each other and for your future. Especially faith that things will work out even when it seems it’s going to fall apart. However with us, he never had any faith in me to begin with. Even was bold enough to tell me that he didn’t trust me. Would even say that the only people that care about him is his kids and no one else. It’s like well what the hell am I then? I’m giving you my all and loving you as much as I can and you’re telling me that it’s not good enough for you. Yeah I was offended but I was hurt that here I am trying to love you and you won’t let me. But then has the audacity to say that I don’t do anything nice for him or care about him. How can I if you won’t let me?? Also on the same token, how can I have faith in our relationship and hope it works out between us when you acting shady with me now? Honestly I refuse to build a relationship on distrust, dishonest and unfaithfulness. It’s weak foundation and nothing good will come from it, especially if only one of us is trying to make it work.


To me that’s the main ingredient for a successful relationship. I’ve tried to get him to be more open with me and trust me but nothing works. Honestly when he would say he couldn’t trust me that was my red flag. And I should’ve paid attention, but I didn’t because I gave him the benefit of the doubt and was hoping he was hurting and just wanted someone to care about him. I wanted to be the one he knew that could make everything alright and he could always confide in. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Probably never will be. I still have faith he’ll be a good man, remain a good father and become more prosperous than he now… just not with me. But I don’t hope that our break up won’t make him lose faith in love or finding someone new. I’d love to say I have the faith to find someone new, but I also know that’s asking for way too much and is never going to happen anytime soon.  I can’t do men and their unfaithfulness as a PERSON. Like who goes around wanting to hurt people or mess up their progress? Keep that miserable bullshit over there with your unhappy ass self. 



But if you’re in a relationship (or working on getting into one), learn to have faith. It means so much. If you’re having a rough time or arguing or just hit a really messed up bump in the relationship. Don’t make it worst by arguing or fighting or placing blame. Take time out and focus on what you both want and need. Work on strengthening your faith and hold each other close. Communicate, don’t dismiss or evade it. Love and care about each other. Don’t hate and be disrespectful. Build that empire. Trust in each other. Be that well prosperous investment you both need and want from each other. Trust me when you have that, there’s nothing that won’t knock you guys down or tear you apart.



Always have faith.





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