Monday, December 26, 2016

Kwanzaa | Umoja | Unity

 So today is the first day of Kwanzaa (Happy Kwanzaa!) and this year what I wanted to do was make this a personal experience like I did a few years ago. 

This time around it's going to be based on my encounter with relationships, love and all that other goodness that comes with being in a partnership with someone else. 

Umoja means Unity! 
To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

Now one thing I've learned with being in this relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2years is that we lack Unity. Or at least consistent unity. Some days we are unified and other days we aren't. He thinks it's all my fault, but I know it's his fault. Why do you ask?? How do I know?? Because besides him not telling me where he lives or honestly tell me where he is or what his plans for the days are or this stragglers of text messages here and there and 2-3 days later. None of that is me sir. I'm making the effort to save our relationship and make it work. But I can't give 100% for both us and you giving me a -80%. It's not good and it isn't healthy. 

What makes it worst is that there's a poor baby involved. That was created in a unified moment I might add which is now like the worst thing to ever happen to him (even though he has 3 other kids; whom I haven't met) I might add. Regardless of how he feels I made the choice to keep the baby because I felt my child shouldn't have two shitty parents. One's enough. Through this back and forth and arguments all the time—we lost our unity. I doubt we can ever get it back. He still pulls away and no matter how hard I fight to get close to him he pushes me away. "It's none of my business." Well ok. I'm going to fallback. Focus on me and my job. And prepare for my baby. What's really ironic when I say we need more unity within our relationship, he calls it kissing my ass. No it's not kissing my ass. I'm just trying to get along with you. 

We've talked on it. Because I told him we needed to break up. It's not working. I can't deal with the sneakiness and lies and dishonesty. Him treating me like I'm only important when he wants to use me basically. I understand he has kids and I understand he works and can be busy. However if I can work 2-3 jobs and still find a few moments to text him and see how his day is or how he's doing. Then dammit I expect the same courtesy in return. Even though he thinks we're not breaking up. Though we are—I know now if unity is lacking then the relationship will never succeed or progress. It was built on a weak foundation and will fall to the ground on those same foundations. I'm not going to continue to rebuild my side and he's just shoving a bandaid here and there and telling me yeah I fix it too and as soon as shit starts hitting the fan and falling apart, it's all my fault. 

A car isn't going to run unless all the parts are running in unison. Then there's your part of filling it up with fuel. And you need to work to get money to get the fuel. All that process though it's long and drug out. It's the unity that makes the vehicle go, that gets you where you need to go and where you want to go—hell even to places you've never been before! Every little bit counts. And always will. 

Quite honestly I'm tired of always being stuck on the side of the road because he's not doing his fair share or lies about doing it. 

I'm ready to hitch hike and leave him where he's at doing whatever it is he's doing. 

If I decide later on down the road that I want to be in another relationship. That is going to be the first thing we have a conversation on. If we can't be unified sir we can't continue this charades. I do not have the time and I've got better things to do than play and chase you. That's what pets are for—OK!! No more benefits of the doubt,  being in denial, or hoping tomorrow it will change and go away. 

That one little simple gesture of unity can go a long way in a relationship and within a family. 



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