Monday, April 4, 2016

Never Guilty

Hi kids!!

Happy April. And happy March because I think I may have missed it lol. 

I've been so busy trying to get my life together it's crazy!! 

I love my job and the people I work with but I'm tired of the commute. I'm tired of getting little to no sleep and little to no time for myself and my boyfriend too (yeah that happened lol). I'm tired of missing work when it's not for something productive like handling bills or job interviews. The last few trips out to my job have been atrocious. I either missed a bus, missed the shuttle or got left. It's a pain in the ass!! I'm just tired. I need something closer. It would be ideal if the closer job came with more money. But at this point I don't care. Just need something better. I want to do better i want to be better you know?? No I'm not looking for a life long career or to be a manager or any of that. I need a job I can work that's flexible and offers opportunities if and when I decide to change my mind. At the moment I just want to work and be able to support myself. But trying to job search and tend to employers and work is hard. It's damn near impossible. I'm missing calls and emails that I can't respond to because I don't have time to do it at home. By time the weekend comes I'm either knocked out all day Saturday or spend it cooking all day. 

What's funny with me looking for a new job. My current job isn't happy and my higher-ups are trying to make me feel guilty and some days I do. But why would I feel guilty about trying to better myself and my situation? Yeah I understand that puts you in a bind. But how do you think I feel having to bust my ass to get to and from work while allowing a "customer" to cuss me out all day. All for a paycheck that majority goes to my transportation. 

However I won't let them make me feels guilty. I can't guarantee that I'll be perfect. I'm human I make mistakes and I have an OVER FULL plate. In addition to be a functional adult and taking care of myself, I have to take care of the kittens too. And I'm also trying to make sure my current relationship works out and doesn't get neglected either. 

I have faith that everything will work out for the better. I know I'll get another job that requires less travel. I might take a pay cut. But that's better than all my check going to transportation costs and trying to support myself. 

In the meantime whether they like it or not. I don't care. Me comes first. I rather go to a job in a positive attitude than to be cranky all the time like I've been these last few months actually. I already I will never LOVE LOVE LOVE a job. But I at least want to love it enough that I work hard and go everyday and not let other people block my shine or my efforts. 

Plus I got my new beau. Whom I absolutely adore! He treats me well and even helps me out and I appreciate all his efforts. Especially since he got three kids and his own crap to deal with. The fact that I get to be on his priority list makes me so happy. We're making an effort to make this work too. So now I've got an even bigger step to consider with him. 

Going long term I always thought would just transition on its own. But since majority of my so called relationships were short lived or just ended so abruptly I never had to cross this milestone before. Now I'm scared, excited and worried all at the same time! We've been together for 7 months! I had to count it up lol. But we've known each other for 9months. We're talking about living together, marriage, even kids! Don't think it's all peachy though. We've had our fights and misunderstandings but we made it through those. Honestly I can't wait until we have more. Because I know there will be more. We have good days, bad days and halfway days. I think things are moving at a good pace. I have faith that we will work. Even when my ex still thinks he has a chance. I 

I'm shocked that he still has the audacity to contact me. For a minute I admit I felt bad for getting in another relationship without ending the other first. That was wrong. But I was tired of trying to convey my feelings to someone who's suppose to be a teammate with me and was acting like I was his worst enemy! That hurt the most. I was trying and putting in my all and he just didn't give a shit. But had the nerve to get mad when I decided to move on. Now don't understand why I'm still with "Mr. G" lol. Well G spends time with me and he wants to make it work with me. That matters more than the materialistic things I can get from a man. Strip away those material things all you have left is personality, character and maybe sense of humour. Not too many people can be that charismatic without flaunting something. But with G we both know we broke and struggling but we help each other out and make it work and I love that so much more. To the point I don't feel guilty for screwing my ex over, especially when he was having me walk around looking dumb and desperate. I'm cool. My babe is cool. And we happy. 

Another thing I've learned is don't feel guilty to making changes in your life. Especially with friendships. Yeah you want to have those life long friendships with amazing people. But we also grow and change and start exploring different paths in life. Sometimes we have to cut people off or spend less time with them because they no longer add to your life or they're taking away from your life which is bad either way. You need people with the same mindset and that can be a good support system for you. None of that sometimey crap or hoping things will go back to the way they were. Nope. Sometimes it doesn't happen and it's ok to be honest and let them know it's not working and you guys got to break up lol. You need people in your life that's going to tell you that you're doing great and keep up the good work! That's real success there. 

So please don't feel guilty for cutting friends off, for dropping the boyfriend or girlfriend for someone new who'll love you, or leaving that job that isn't adding pizazz to your life and wallet. Don't. You're suppose to better yourself. Be the best person you can be. 


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