Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Misguided Desire

Lately I've been in this looped emotional roller coaster. Why exactly, I don't know. But what's weird about it is the fact that I keep flip flopping back and forth between what i want. That's it. It's crazy isn't it?? It's like one want is more important than the other want but they're both wants. It's like trying to stick to negative magnets together and hoping that they stick together or find a happy crooked medium. 

Lately, I've been pondering and thinking. I think it's mostly due to the fact that people are talking to me and telling me how I should feel about being single and how I should be coping with it by their standards of course and I'm over here like no. Don't tell me how I should feel or what I could or should be doing because that's how you think you'll react to my situation. You can't predetermine how you'll handle any situation for that matter. What's crazy is if you don't believe me just think of a situation you were in and how you had scenarios play in your head about how you should've handle it or what you could've said or whatever what if comes to mind. You can't even say well I'm going to handle it this way knowing damn well when the opportunity present itself most likely you won't. That's why I don't get people telling me that I'm lonely when I know I'm not. And when I voice that they basically try to force me to say in this admittance that I am lonely and I don't have a say to say otherwise. 

I think because of constantly hearing that lately it's got me feeling twisted. Like I have to question do I feel lonely?? Then I tell myself no, because I know I don't. Then I realize it's not so much of being lonely it's just lack of interaction. Which then led me to wanting my own family. 

Yeah. I want a family. But I don't want the husbands and kids because I want to stay single and be childfree. So I'm like between two wants and I don't know how to arrive at a happy medium between the two and what's funny is the fact that it's been weighing heavily on my brain for the last few weeks. Then I wondered if it was because I missed my parents?? No, I miss them, but not that much to slip into a depressive state. Then I think, I have my two kittens and fish right?? Whom I gladly call my kids and treat like my family. But it feels like my little family is lacking something. Or missing something. There's love and laughter and good and bad times but it's still missing something I can't see. It's like seen sunshine all over but the sun is hidden behind clouds.....and there's no overcast you know?? That's what it's like to me.

But the thought or joking up with a guy just doesn't interest me anymore. I tried but I don't like being led on and then dropped because I was never considered more than a temporary fixation in the first place. I was deemed a novelty and as soon as something better comes along, that's it for me. No ifs, ands or buts about it. 

Having a baby is out of the question. Men are assholes, donors cost too much money, and foster parent and adoption is unlikely because I need all this nonsense just to basically babysit someone else's child for a while or long time. Mostly you're getting a kid who's already acclimated to their parent and you're never going to be treated as parent. And the only way to get that is to get a newborn but mom's giving up newborns only want couples (or in stranger cases men) to raise their baby. It's like an un-winnable war. 

So then I'm like so I need another cat?? I'm like no. The whole introduction phase is way too much for me and adopting two more cats would be too expensive but I don't want the little kitten to be lonely or without a playmate or be third wheeled by the two I already got. 

Then it's like I dismiss it and I go back to me being cool with being single and super happy about it. But don't let me get a few moments to myself where thoughts can wander in and I'm back in the cycle all over again trying to decipher what it is that I truly want and I get confused all over again. 

Or maybe this is just apart of my journey as I live my life out by myself. I may have given up on men, but I just might meet a nice girl to have some sort of relationship with. But then again I may not even do that you know?? I know for sure I won't be meeting a nice guy anytime soon who's actually genuinely interested in me and even the thought of it is no longer a fairy tale like dream and more of a chore like why am I thinking this knowing damn well this won't happen?? And since I refuse to have kids after I turn 30 (which is almost 2 and half years away) theres no point really. I doubt men will mature in less than two years too lol. 

I think I need a new hobby or something that holds my interest enough to not let others sway my thoughts and I can enjoy the way my life is so far. And continue to enjoy it until it's my time to go too you know. 

Hopefully these unwarranted wants will go away, I just have to try my best to be as patient as I can be. 


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