Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Horse Race pt. 1


Life to me is like a Horse Race. If you ever been to the horse races you know what I'm talking about. If not, you go to a place you pick your horse you want to bet on and watch the race to see if your horse won or not. I used to go to the horse races a lot when I was a kid. 

Anyway I feel like the only difference is the feel that I'm obligated to finish at the finish line with a defective horse. In most case they pull an injured horse or one who isn't performing to standards. But not in the Life race, it's like they make you keep that horse but determine your overall performance on your horse. 

So here I am on my pony, and when the race first began me and my pony was moving fast. Keeping up, neck-to-neck with the other competitors. It all was fine. Then one day my pony stops dead in his tracks and I'm like what the hell is going on?? But now my pony just moves one foot one at a time and takes it time and seems quite contented. At first it was a shock and I'm beckoning it to move faster. Sweet talks and treats aren't working. I decided to leave it be and hope it changes it's mind and moves like he used to. As the race drags on and I see people pass my by, the officials of life are screaming at me how I need to get a move on it and get going. I tell them it's not me it's the horse. They respond, your horse your problem, you should've known he would do this one day. How am I suppose to know anything?? So then other riders come to me and tell me different methods on how to make my pony go. I'm like ok, this should work. Unfortunately some methods were to mock me and the pony. Others like whipping him, pushing him, pulling him, detouring his route—and nothing worked. No matter how many times I've tried these methods to make the pony go, I still got officials hollering at me and riders telling me how I'm going to miss out on this and miss out on that. It's beyond frustrating. 

As this race progress, everyone is leveling up and getting rewards and trinkets galore. Here's me and my pony barely making it. It seems each step my pony takes, the farther away the finish line gets, the more frustrated I am—I'm unhappy. Then just when I think my pony decides to make a run for it, it's just a skip or a jump and he always fall down and the I have to help him up and listen to officials tell me how I'm wasting time. Everyday I try to get my pony to move faster. I try every single method over and over in different sequences to see what'll make the pony move. He won't move any faster than he's going now. 

After this last interruption by the officials telling me how I'm not applying myself, I need to grow up, how I need to stop crying and play the victim—I'm done. Either disqualify me, since I haven't reached any of my goals or done the things I wanted to do. What's the point to continuing the race?? Why do I need to go to the finish line, huh??? They've already given out the good prizes, rewards and stuff. I don't want to be known as the girl who came last and is a failure—regardless knowing that I am. I'm tired and I would feel better on the side lines. But then another rider happens to come up next me and say, maybe your problem isn't the race so much but the horse you're stuck with. I had considered that but I always reconsidered because I didn't want to leave my pony, we've been through hell and I stuck by its side the entire time. I'll do whatever I can for my pony because I have a love, a bond, a story with this pony. How could I leave it???

As me and the pony trot on. I decide to get down and look at my poor pony. Who has dead cold eyes, looks like it's unhappy and in pain. It breaks my heart because I don't know what to do. I've sacrificed so much for this pony and it won't even stand by my side when I need him most. So I decide to stand there in the pony's way. Not only did he stop but for the first time I felt like he acknowledge me. I pat his head and tell him we can do this if we work together. I climb back on and he won't move. He refuses to move. Honestly, I'm fed up. As we sat there for days. The officials say how I'm not doing all that I need to, to be the best I can be. I keep yelling back I'm trying my best, I can't exceed my expectations, my limits—I can't be a fish and be expected to survive out of water and climb a fucking tree too. I decide to get off my pony. 

I run back to the stables where all the ponies are kept. I pick one, not looking to see if we're compatable or not or if our paths are meant to cross. It doesn't matter. As I get the horse sattled and ready for the race. The officials are telling me how I can't and how I shouldn't because this isn't right, this isn't how life works. I have no right taking another pony knowing my pony is out there still in the race. I repetitively tell myself but that pony is broken, not working and I can't stand it. I refuse to stand this. I refuse to watch everyone be happy while I'm miserable. I understand everyone has had problems, and rift with their horses. But none had to sit on a horse who refuses to move and watch everyone else's life play out. 

Unfortunately I end up with a disagreement with the new horse. He doesn't want to be sattled or rode. He's independent, wild and free. So I allow it. I decide maybe I need a change too. I get rid of the formal outfit and let me hair be wild as free as this pony's heart and soul. As I climb on top we head to the starting line. He's restless and I love it. I don't know what to expect with this one. In one sense it's refreshing. With my favorite pony I knew what to expect. Unfortunately I made my expectations too high and the pony disappointed me. 

As I regain my focus and clear my mind. I hear someone say something. I look over and there's the rider from before. The one who told me my horse maybe defective. I'm shocked to see him again and ask why he's back at the starting line?? He looked to be doing so well. He said sometimes you got to keep starting and going over what was wrong to make it right and end up at the finish line in the correct manner—not the fast way. For the first time that made the most sense ever. Before when I wanted to start over, it was wrong—a taboo. Something that shouldn't be done and I was told no you can't, you shouldn't. As I look at this rider who has this fiery determination in his eye. I decide to set myself up. I'm taking this risk. If I fail this time around, I'm coming back to the starting line and make this work. 

As the gates click and clink. My horse plant his feet and as the bang goes off me and my new pony set off. I may be running into a disastrous situation or I may get exactly what I've always wanted. Either way I'm excited to find out. So far me and the pony are doing great. 

But I do know one thing, if I get past my old pony, and make it—whenever that may be—I'm coming back for my old pony. I refuse to sit back and watch it feel less than it need it to be. For now that has to wait. This race of life isn't going anywhere anytime soon, I need find what it is that'll make me happy find out if my original thought of being purposeless is true or not. My curiosity is insatiable and I need to satisfy it.....


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