Monday, April 22, 2013

Remember Bunny...

So last night, my mom decided she wanted to watch this Hallmark movie that came on ABC called Remember Sunday. I had seen it but quickly got disinterested in it, and never gave it a second thought. So as we were watching the movie, she was excited, then very voiceful. I understood why but coming from the other person's point of view it can be pretty hectic. I thought she would be able to understand that, and in some cases she does but in others she doesn't.

Because I never really talk about it much, I can say that it's a bit embarrassing and then sometimes it's frustrating to say how I feel but no one understands because it's such a rare case that it's almost unheard of and can be understood only so much. Hell how many people you know have old people for parents who both had brain surgery?? Lol.

This story was about this guy who had a brain aneurysm and completely lost his short term memory and can't remember anything really. After watching it, it made me kind of sad and depressed.

For you see kids, both my parents had brain surgery. My dad had a brain aneurysm when I was 7 months old. My mom had leaking blood clots and had her brain surgery when I was 17. Since I was young, I really didn't experience much with my dad's recovery process, but when my mom had hers I was exposed to it 24/7. Even decided it would be best to dropout of high school and forego college and get a job to help my dad with the bills. But also on the same token I was worried because both my parents had short term memory loss.

I remember after my mom had her surgery, all I could think of was that she wouldn't remember who I was, and my dad was so distraught that god forbid if she died unexpectedly he would grieve himself into an early grave and I would be an orphan. My mother's family told me right then and there that they wouldn't take me and I would have to fin on my own, as for my dad's family they never cared and I don't know who they are. So to be 17, when most are excited about prom and going to college becoming young adults; I had to grow up badly and take on my mother's chores of the cooking, cleaning and taking care of the house because my dad had to go to work and let's just say his cooking was so inexperienced that even a step-by-step class couldn't help and the laundry came out dirtier than it when in. Unfortunately I wasn't ready for such an abrupt transition and it ruined a lot for me. My mom spent months in and out of the hospital for having seizures and being sick. Luckily she hadn't had a seizure since 2006.

What's even worse is when my father died, not only was my mom heading into her third year of recovery, but it was like the slow progress she made just disappeared. She was sad, hurt and missed my dad. But she also didn't trust anybody, not even me. Even though they hurt a lot and she pushed me away, I wanted to leave. I won't say I didn't consider it, but then I guess the guilt got the best of me and I couldn't leave her alone like that.

Even now almost 10 years later, she's made a good progress. She forgets a lot of things, and her medication keeps her sedated for the most part. It has been heard and frustrating, and I do get disgusted and wish it wasn't me. Only because I think of all my cousins she took care of and raised even, these same douchewaffles won't even call her on the phone to see if she's ok. They didn't even care to see if she was still living when I lived two hours away. I've also learned that some people don't understand and are so quick to find a more suitable solution, like so many have told me to put her away in a nursing home or a rehabilitation center. I can't do that either, that's not fair for her to be around strangers or to be mistreated. She's like a little child and only feels comfortable with people she knows and remembers. She tries her best everyday and hell even going through it all, there are times I don't have space in my brain to remember other things and worry about the silly things. Because I have to remember things for her, between when the bills are due to if she took her medicine or insulin for the day. Each day is really a new day.

I can say through it all, we've gotten a lot closer as far as our relationship as mother and daughter goes and I'm happy and thankful for that. It's not perfect and some days we butt heads like the Tauruses we are. Regardless of what anybody says and my family included, I won't leave her for nothing. Even if that means I have to stay with her until she dies, put my life on the back burner and never experience all the fun things that 20-somethings get to do—that's all ok. I look it at this way, without her I'd be homeless and have no one in my life. Even though one day that may be a possibility, I'm still going to cherish the moments I get to have with my mother. No I might not be able to make her a grandma, or have her be super duper proud of me. But she's got me and she knows that. I try to make her smile and laugh about something every day (even though the huge generation gap is sometimes an obstacle lol) and make her as happy as I can.

That's all that really matters, even when she doesn't remember my name .


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