Friday, February 1, 2013

Closing The Door

I thought back when I was pondering this. This would be a good write or topic to talk about since it's February and the only conversation choices are love, sex, relationships, and all that goes between that annoying cake of over exaggerated happiness.

As most of you know and for those of you that don't. I spent my life planning on being happily married with a house full of kids. Nothing else crossed my mind and I knew I just had to be patient and wait. I assumed one day Princey-Poo would come and sweep me off my feet and declare his love of me to the world. How could any girl not fall for such a performance?? You hear it the whole time growing up, from your parents or even people who are happily coupled off. Never once do they tell you the downfall or negativity that love holds.

Becoming a teen I thought I would have that high school love that lasts forever. You know the sappy dramas on TV and movies that affirm such nonsense. Well it never happened. Whether my expectations of Boy Wonder were too high or the other boys left a lot to be desired. Meaning they already had at least 1-2 kids maybe even 3 or I wasn't like the other girls and unconsciously knowing I didn't have anything to really offer.  But I didn't let that get me down or at least right then. Since I was bullied and picked on back then, I was made to go to counseling. The counselor asked me what I had planned for life after high school. Well marriage and kids of course. She told me I was so hideously ugly no man would want me and the only way to get over that was to go to college because all men want smart, successful women to marry. Then she told me to kill myself to save the trouble of wasting my time and doing any of that. Yeah... Yet I took that into consideration, studied hard and went to college not to get a degree or a good job but to get married. That never happened and then I found out the guys I encountered in high school went to college so it made pickings slim. Plus college also ate up a good chunk of my social life, too.

Then my father died and I had to drop out of college. Ended up in student loan debt, no job working anywhere, unhappy and lost so called friends because my reputation changed. But I decided to think my life out and worry about me. Then I met the man of my dreams or maybe I should say worst nightmares. Not only did he open me up to love him and fall hard for him, he never had any intention on loving me back the way I thought I deserved. He was already married with a family and contented with it at certain times. Yet I was the fool and unhappily in love with him. So I moved on and found someone else to fall head over heels for—they too had many other lovers and the novelty that was me wore off quickly and she dumped me with no intention on loving me nor fixing our broken relationship either. Then I got played and hurt ended up pregnant unhappy and still in love with a married man who made his actions clear that I would've been nothing more than a piece of ass.

Yet I tried and tried. Changed my hair, got my nails and feet done. Wore pretty clothes and went out with friends who never really were my friends to begin with. Like seriously?? I had to pay them to go to the movies or grab a bite of eat with me. Did they offer me a burger or late night movie night—not a chance.
I decided to let it all go. I was tired of changing me and working hard to find love. Then when I let it find me I still ended up hurt and broken. Wait...that's not how they said it should turn out. This shouldn't be happening. What did I do wrong?? Better yet, what exactly is wrong with me?? I received many answers to those questions. Either I wasn't pretty enough, me being a college dropout was the problem, I was too fat, I wouldn't participate in oral sex, or because I lived with my mom and seemed like a hobo—whatever the reason was, none were positives, none, to me, didn't suit what was being asked. You wouldn't say a baby's stupid and useless for not being able to talk and walk when it's first born, that's just ludicrous.

So I said well if I can't get married I can still be a mom right?? Not by society standards. Not only do they see me unfit because I'm jobless not by choice but by circumstance. But I'm not married and I'm friendless. No home of my own or money stashed in a 401k or IRA accounts. I was by far the worst person to be anybody's mother. No matter how hard I tried for that. I fell short whether because I was broke, jobless or unattractive or just not right for the position. I wasn't allowed and needed to find something else to do like a career perhaps. Unfortunately, I spent my whole life working to become a good wife and a good mom. Never once did it cross my mind that people would be able and would want to prevent that from happening. I also didn't think that I would judged upon it in a paralleled way. I can't get employment help or go back to college because I don't have dependents and I'm not married. I can't even receive government help without being pregnant or at least 2 kids under my belt. Then to tell me I'm wrong for still being single yet have toe audacity to tell me I'm not good enough to reap the benefits of life, love, relationships and parenthood is quite contradictory if you ask me.

Now here I am with my hopes and dreams shattered into a billion of pieces. Forced to live forever alone with my black shattered heart that's colder than concrete. In one sense, I would try a third time. But then again after the first two failures at love and many men who only see me with the equivalency to that of a condom—I can't risk being hurt all over again and having no one to console me. I definitely don't want to hear my mother's lecturing on how she told me so to how things were rainbows and happy shit when she and my dad dated before they got married.

Thus, I've decided to close that hypothetical door of what if Mr. Right comes running through it. I'm tired of waiting and getting crazies come visit me instead. Besides the breeze that screams love, relationships and over exaggerated happiness gives me a headache every time. Which means I'm giving up on that dream of love, marriage and children. Apparently that's not for me, no matter what I may think—we've always been incompatible. But this time if love decides to approach me a third time, I'm going to have to disincline it's acquiesce of request. Last two times I got beat up badly and ended up more unhappier than I was when I went in. I refuse to risk it a third time. That's like touching fire after receiving third degree burns. Yeah I'm cool. You know what?? I feel good and positive about that.

I've also decided to give up on those who chose to make my life full of negativity. Family, friend or foe; I'm not going to give you a second thought. I'm only important to you when you want a present or expect me to worship you at your feet like you're some demigod. Please, you've done more than lost your marbles. This old lady calls people like that signifying monkeys in the coconut tree lol.

Even as lonely and unhappy that all sounds. Not only is it for the best for me. Now I have the chance to learn about me all over again with a clear, clean mind and conscious  I now have a cleared path that wasn't visible to me before, that holds many possibilities. I'm willing to find a place, maybe not in society's puzzle but maybe in one I fancy all on my own. Learning to cope and accept life being single but also on the same token finding myself and possibly who I was really meant to be this time around. No distractions, no presumed assumptions. None of that! It's an adventurous journey I'm quite curious about.

I can honestly say a year ago this time I wasn't so happy. I was in distress and couldn't find the way out and no one to understand me, let alone help me. This time...I'm sort of contented. I've still got a little more time to be happy. Maybe not have the happiness I originally wanted, but to find something in this world worth being being happy, excited and even joyous about.

So how exactly does one cope with being single and living happily just the same?? 

Well not by exercising or picking up new fake friends or finding love that's for sure. Those are for the ones who don't want nothing seriously challenging. But when I find out, I'll definitely tell you :). That's if we all live to hear it right?? Hahaha!!

Respectfully yours,
A Single Bunny 
(who's still a work in progress)


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