Thursday, January 24, 2013

As The Carrot Turns: A Royal Flush


So now it's time for the unofficial part two for the new year [Read: Better Late Than Never!!]. Hmm where to start though.... Eh I guess we'll let it flow naturally and see how it goes.

Oh I know lets start off with my Sims 3, after those two weeks of downloading and installing them back in November tell me why I ended up with an error and my saved gave would not open nor would it run and it made no sense to me. I tried the few minor fixes and it didn't work and decided to uninstall it and then re-install it. Still nothing, and so I decided to wait it out and give them a break and see what happens. 

Next is the big thing. So before Christmas, me and Madea did some big shopping because there was snow and the weather was crappy and just to stock up. So used all but $82 or $87 of my food stamps. I ended up going to the store a few days later to pick up a few more things we had forgotten and went to use my food stamps and the machine told me there was something wrong with machine and it wouldn't swipe  the card. Sometimes that happens with the card machine, it accepts it and it doesn't. So I decided not to get too worried about such said problem and move it along. Well I got a letter telling me about when the food stamps would be distributed to my Access card. Thinking all is fine, when I went to the store to pick up a few flu remedies for my mom when she got sick, I got another letter. This letter said that my food stamps were going to get cut off January 1st because I was no longer eligible to receive food stamps reason being is that I didn't turn in the renewal papers and failed to show up for my interview. I'm sorry what now??? I did turn in my papers, and saw not one but two people that day and the woman said it was fine and I waited December 13, 2012 for them to call me at 11:30 AM and they never did call. So how exactly is this my fault?? Because I was in a delirium I couldn't comprehend the paper until I read again a few days later. It had the nerve to say that I could appeal and someone might call me in March 2013. What in the heck is this bull crap?! Now I plan on re-applying for food stamps and I'm going to be a real pain in the ass for my gosh damn food stamps that's owed to me. I refuse to be told no because I don't meet some silly or far fetched requirements, I feel it's due to me and I won't take no for an answer. So yeah when time comes, I'll be declaring war on the welfare office....very soon.

Now, I decided to...Well lets say I had a moment within myself where I didn't want to be defeated. I wanted to try one more time. Even if there was a possibility of risking a failure, I still wanted to do it. I decided to contact a sperm donor, yes a sperm donor. What compelled me to do so, I don't really know. I did so wondering if, by any chance, I could at least try one more time and see if I can attain my goal and be genuinely happy for once in my life. I'll say now that I honestly thought he wouldn't contact me back but yet he surprised me and contacted me back. He called himself Joe. He seemed nice and sort of friendly. I asked if he was still offering services or not. He said yes and asked me a few personal questions about when my last period was and a picture of myself and such. At first it seemed strange, maybe because it was uncharted waters for me. Then again, it felt sort of liberating. Until he asked if I was interested in a Natural or Artificial Insemination. I really had to think about that. I had thought about it before and always considered the Natural way, it's more probable and gives a higher chance at getting pregnant. The thought of having sex with a serious complete stranger who not only disguises his name but gives no history on himself. That's a serious 6 feet down from a random bar guy you pick up for a one night stand. I sat there thinking all I know is this fake name, he's a donor, lives somewhere he won't tell me, and has over 20 children about 5 of them with colored women, the rest I assumed were Caucasians or other races. Since I don't know him well, that also means I have to risk the possibility of being subjected to sexually transmitted diseases or infections. I was frighten and I'm not afraid to say so. Then I thought about Artificial Insemination and how awkward and unpleasing it can be hooking up with a Turkey Baster. Not very exciting nor romantic in any way or form. However I would be a bit safer and I wouldn't feel uncomfortably awkward. Then I thought what are the other women doing?

Then I remembered, my situation isn't nothing like theirs. They had friends who didn't mind fathering a baby out of wedlock without being forced into a commitment. Or they found donors who were perfect and worth it and not a total creep and came running to them in a heart beat. Then the third strike.....quite a few of them were all ready in a relationship of some sort, be it same sex, serious or marriage. Or they had very supportive families and/or friends to be there for them. For the first time I felt lost and confused as if I never prepared myself for something like this. So I decided to be a big girl and go about it alone, and I chose Artificial Insemination. Joe told me if I wanted it that way I would need to come to him to get it and he was a good 3-4 hours away from where I live. Then tried to persuade me (in a discouraging sort of way) into Natural Insemination because he said he would come to me. But I doubt he would be considering I living with my mother and a hotel would be more suitable and some men get too big headed and think they are hot stuff and they want you to accommodate them regardless of what they say. I didn't like the fact of meeting a strange man 3 hours away from home for a teaspoon of sperm and all that process could be done for nothing. I also didn't want him coming my way just for sex and meeting him at some random hotel if that was a possibility. I didn't feel safe and it made me wish I had someone come and save me. Then I realized, I wanted to do this on my own...

But for that split second I didn't want to do it on my own, I wanted my prince in shining aluminum foil and duct tape to come and save me just in case I got hurt or kidnapped or mistreated or anything. If that was the case, why wouldn't I be trying to have a baby with him instead?? What makes him so inadequate or ill prepared for the notion?? Then I wondered am I really ready for a baby?? I say I am and I feel and think I am, but something's yanking on my heart and got me thinking the exact opposite. Oh yeah, that's right....this isn't how I wanted it to be originally. I may feel that love and a relationship of any sort with anybody is futile and a waste of good time and energy. I guess for once in my life for a long time I wanted to have what all the other women take for granted and never truly wanted in the first place. I felt so abstract about the whole thing. 

Well I decided to forgo it. I did give it a shot and the other donors I saw all wanted natural sex and in one sense you can't blame them since you want something from them, there's got to be something in it for them right?? Especially since they're doing it (or they're suppose to be doing it) "free of charge." Or maybe that's the guiltiness in me talking and I'm making an excuse. Whatever it may be, I can't go through with it. I guess it's time for me to face facts and accept that. Even though I prepared my whole life to be a wife and a mother, the universe is telling me that's not the right thing for me to be doing. One wouldn't keep trying at something they've always been a failure at hoping for one day where perfection will arise and they become a success. It doesn't work that way. But if it did, we'd all be getting what we wanted right??



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