Monday, December 3, 2012

Why Is It That...

When someone else wants something so badly they'll go at any cost to get to that goal or to get it accomplished?

It's like they say fuck whatever you want to do, or whatever makes you happy or who gives a damn about you reaching your goal. Every time someone does that it pisses me off because I'm like what's in all this hard work?? Am I going to reap the benefits that you so desperately want to reach?? Will I be the happy one at the end of all of this?? More the likely the answer is No. As soon as they get what they want, they forget all about you and act like you never existed. That hurts more than helping them in the first place. When they succeed and you don't and they don't even offer a helping hand, no thank you—no nothing. So not only am I further away from my goal, I helped you accomplish yours and now you feel you don't have to help me accomplish mine.

My mom wants to beautify the house. Fix the patio room and add new this and add new that. I honestly don't see a point in all this. She said she wants to get it "accomplished" so she can die happy. What for?? You lived a relatively happy life what else do you need??? Then I get pissed off when she says well I want to have my friends over and show them the renovations done to the house and show them this and show them that. You can invite your friends over as well. My friends?? She knows I don't have any friends and to say that is more than a insult. I take that as you're mocking me, poking fun. Then she'll mention someone, well what about what's-their-face. What's-their-face isn't going to come and if he does it'll only be because he wants sex from me. Well what about what's-her-face? She's only coming if someone's going to be compensating her for "her time." Well I'm sure you can find someone to invite over. Like what the fuck is that suppose to mean???

Like last night I come home from the store and she was on the phone with her girlfriend from high school. I'm thinking oh hey we can watch a movie and bond. No she was on the phone all day yesterday as a matter a fact. I got pissed because I'm sitting here like a bump on a log. It's not that I'm jealous, to be honest I don't want another friendship or even take time out to be close to another person. But it's the fact that when I sit here eating dinner alone because you rather be on the phone then you have the audacity to get mad when I want to be alone and be on the computer. She bitches and moan about me not doing anything and then talks that you need to get married crap. Like what the hell I can't produce miracles.

When she acts like that, she reminds me a lot of what she said her mother was like. Whom she didn't get along with. But to ignore me and then get mad and bitch about it. Like I'm sorry if I don't find your friends interesting. And to be honest I hope they don't come see here. I couldn't stand hours of the old people talk and bullshit and I'm just sitting there. She and them are the only ones enjoying themselves. I suppose this is the reason we were never close in the first place and I'm trying hard to make this work with her but somedays I just can't take it.

Crying doesn't work, it's not like someone will come and comfort me and tell me it ok, keep calm and carry on. The only way I can make friends if I'm rolling in more money than Trump, willing to take care of kids that don't belong to me or be willing to have sex with some bloke for a small ounce of attention. I refuse to do any of those. People are fucking evil and maybe in the Nifty 50s that was ok and you can make friends without having to impress. Nowadays shit don't work that way. For her to want to fix up the house is just as crazy. Why? Because if she dies today, tomorrow or next year I'm screwed and I won't be able to keep the house. Regardless if its paid for, not only are my debtors trying to take the property and possibly foreclose it, but the utilities need to be paid and the taxes need to be paid and all the other things need to be paid that pertain to a house and how am I suppose to do that if I can't get a job that means I'm going to be out on the streets. I can't even receive any help from the government if I'm not pregnant or already got a houseful of babies. Even though as tempting as that sounds, I can't see myself getting treated as a nothing more than a cock sucker just for something I'm not sure I'll get in the first place. My so called relatives already told me they're never doing shit for me even if I was dying they'd probably watch me die. They wouldn't call anybody for help.

I get tired of people telling me to look at the bright side of things. How do you expect me to do that when I got negativity dead smack in my visual 24/7 with no break or letup in it? Would you tell a man who's dying that he's going to survive and live a life like a wealthy celeb?? I would hope that no one would give that false sense of security. Everyone has all the answers but I don't see anybody forking out t money to help me move forward with my life, or give me a chance getting a job or even be a reference so I can get a job.

You know what? I do get mad and jealous when my mom says to me Don't you want me to be happy?? No, no I don't. You got married and had a kid and had everything I've always wanted, I've always dreamed of. Things I'll never get and you're asking me to continue your happiness???

No, she'll just have to suffer like everyone else because I refuse to take the time out for anybody but me any more. If I can't be happy then no one else can, call it childish but that's how I feel. If 2013 comes and I'm still stuck in my rut—broke, jobless and unhappy. I vow to make it difficult for anybody who crosses my path. Make ten hurt the way I've been hurting these past several years. If something shall change then I might consider being cordial but I'm not getting no closer than a planet's distance within the sun to people.

It's hurts me to know that I busted my ass to get something a goal I was never meant to have in the first place. Or maybe I could've reached that goal if I had used everyone like they've always used me...

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