Sunday, December 30, 2012

Tyrone & Eve: A Forbidden Love Story

We all know the story of the Garden of Eden with the first humans that God "created" and how they got banished because they ate an apple??

Well I came up with a thought, strictly my own theory to the madness.

What if Eve, did just snatch the apple out of the tree?? What if the serpent was actually a really nice snake??What if it was all Adam's fault but God picked sides because Adam was first and the favorite????

Here's what I'm saying....

What if after Eve was created, her and Adam were in the early stages of the "meet and greet" and getting to know each other a little better stages. Everything was find and it was a nice experience for the most part. Because honestly I can't imagine a man actually being lonely enough to want a woman just for companionship purposes ONLY. So with that being said, eventually they ended up having sex, not technically were they married—however they were shacked up together in their paradisaical home. Well let's say after many attempts, the sex just wasn't all that great. Nothing wrong with Eve, we all have the same hole, not much change there. But if Adam could pack all his junk behind that miniature maple left—that leaves very little to be desired right??

So sexually frustrated Eve went frolicking in the woodlands and happen upon a garden, a vegetable garden. She came across, many vegetables but the one that caught her eye was this elongated cucumber, more unusual than most and curved just right. So she snatched the thing up and wondered how it would look if Adam had a package as big as this thing. So she made a cute little belt out of vines and whatever else she could find and hooked up on this tree out there in the woodlands (thus the very first strap-on was born) and the more she examine this beautiful sexual eye candy, and knowing Adam was probably parked somewhere watching lions fight over their latest prey (one of the many first gaming events held live) she thought she might give it a go.

And as she parked her keen foot on this boulder that sat comfortably at this tree's roots. She decided to insert such said cucumber into her wondrous abyss (or her vagina for those of you that don't know) and commence to humping the shit out of this tree—and enjoying every fine stroke of it. She even started calling the tree Tyrone.

Enjoying a wonderful, bright sunny day the Serpent, whom was named Sedgwick; was strolling through the Garden of Eden minding his own business. As he slithered down the dirt trail, humming Gangnam Style to himself, he had his eye closed and wasn't really paying attention to where he was going and ended up stuck in Eve's ass. Trying his might to free himself from this deep dark moaning hole, little did he know Eve was enjoying this new found sensation and didn't want it stop and began to hump Tyrone ferociously.

Well halfway through this fantastical moment, Sedgwick the Serpent finally was able to get unstuck, causing this great reaction of course. As he snatched his poor head out of Eve's ever so tight anus, not only did it make her slam down hard on the cucumber and explode literally (the first ever female ejaculation also known as a "squirt"). In pure ecstasy, Eve threw her head back and let out one of the sexiest sounds ever created by humans (the first sexually induced moan of course). As Sedgwick was trying to regain his composure and correct his eye sight after being blinded in the darkness for a bit too long. He notice that one of the forbidden apples was snapping ever so lighting from Tyrone the tree's branch. Remembering what God had said at the Orientation meeting when everyone arrived, he slithered as fast as he could to catch the apple so they wouldn't be banished from the Garden of Eden. Trying ever so much, he tried to get the apple and getting cuts and bruises along the way. Unfortunately he couldn't reach it in time and it popped into Eve's open mouth (whom was still moaning in ecstasy and slightly still humping Tyrone's cucumber—more like gyrating).

Then the alarms went off, and here comes boy wonder Adam to check out what happened. There stood Eve confused, throbbing between her legs as she wet herself profusely. Wondering how the apple got in her mouth. Sedgwick thus telling her if she explained what happened then they all wouldn't be banished. But eve couldn't bring her self to tell Adam that she was cheating o him with Tyrone the tree all because of this glorious cucumber that soaked and creamed better than a rum cake with a glazed icing. Eve was determined not to tell Adam what happened, how could she? She just found the best thing in the whole wide world and it was soooo much better than Adam's punishable dick tactics. How could she?? She just experienced the best orgasm ever and you want her to go back to lousy sex and a crooked 3-inch penis?? Poppycock!!

As Adam approached the woodlands he saw Eve talking (more like arguing) with Sedgwick the Serpent. Luckily Eve's well shaped body was covering up his sights of Tyrone the tree's cucumber penis. At first Adam wondered if they were just talking and nothing more. Also on the same token he never really liked Sedgwick since that one party a few month before Eve showed up. Adam stepped on Sedgwick's tail and never apologized and told the long one to find a tree who was in need of a branch and Sedgwick sunk his fangs into Adam's leg, thus nemesis and frienemies were born. Being the spoiled little Brat that he was Adam told God about how sneaky and conniving Sedgwick was, when it really wasn't true, but since he was technically God's eldest son and favorite he believed Adam over Sedgwick sparking off a series of unfortunate events. Still not being able to get over the fact of that incident Adam decided to go over there in his rage of impeccable jealousy and tell Sedgwich to make like a banana and split. Then he saw Eve waving the red delicious apple around and thus concluded in his mad thoughts that she was in cahoots with Sedgwick. Never really going over to find out what happened. Well Adam being a little snitch and pissed off, he went and called God up on his iPhone and told him what happened. God, in the middle of quite few things.....was disgusted for being interrupted at a time like then, plus pissed when he told them to leave the apple tree the fuck alone.

So he comes Adam back to the woodlands, happy and gay whistling. Eve hearing his approached snatched off the cucumber and hid it behind her back. In this cute banter of passing the apple to Sedgwick back and forth. Adam said, "No need for that, you're both going to get punished," and giggled like fruitcakes do, knowing you wanted Sweet Potato Pie instead. Here comes God, smoking like a train he was so pissed off. He cussed Eve out for having any communication with the Serpent and then for "eating" the forbidden fruit. She said she didn't and it was just bitten into so technically she didn't eat, not even taste the bloody thing. Adam proceeding to butt in and say how unfair it would be if God believed such a cockamamie lie when he saw what happened. Eve questioned Adam on how much he knew and he told her to mind her business. Thus making Eve utter the words "ok don't go to sleep tonight honey." Angering God that much more, he told them to shut up. Unfortunately, Sedgwick slithered over to God and began pleading for his life and how the apple fell by itself into Eve's mouth. Not believing a word he said (or at least until Sedgwick was reincarnated into Isaac Newton) he kicked the poor creature aside and began to pace the dirt. It was until God was about to scold Eve again he noticed something strange and said, "Eve did you piss yourself?" Still throbbing from her hot session with Tyrone the tree, she blushed and grabbed a blanket of vines and leaves and made this awesome Haute Couture ensemble that's similar to what Tinkerbell wears to this day (yay for the first fashion trend!).

Well God's patience had been worn so thin, that it was thinner than Anne Hathaway's invisible panties she wore with her BDSM outfit. SO he screamed how it was enough and he was shutting down production and told Eve and Sedgwick to exit stage right. Humbly happy Adam said, "Well big guy we can't win them all, how about we make another woman and this time lets make her more zombie like who take commands properly and listens to US and goes make sandwiches like we tell her to do without the funky attitude and we've got to do something about that month bleeding, that is RIDICULOUS, can't get my swerve on like I want—UNF! And then..."

Then God so rudely interrupted Adam and said, "What the fuck are you still doing here?? I been damned tired of your constant bitching like a little punk ass girl, you go on too." Adam bewildered stood and asked, 'But why Father?' Thus God replied, "Because I said so, why you snitching on everybody and then you've always got something smart to say, I love you truly I do, but some days Adam your a complete dumbass." As the Garden of Eden was getting torn down faster than a Superbowl Half-time Show. Adam stood there confused and lost, wondering what the hell just happened.

He went on teaching future man generations of how coniving and evil women can be and how not to trust them around other men and so on and so forth. Eve went on to create sex toys for the rest of the female population who were also stricken with that ever so small crooked 3-inched penis (in all seriousness it's not called Adam & Eve for nothing now...). Sedgewick the Serpent grew up to be Steve Jobs one day.

SO the moral of the story, there are still two sides to a story, and not all things are as they seem.

I think we should talk about things like this more often hehe.


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