Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Bunny's Confessions #13


I always considered myself Top of the Line. Only because people put me on such a high pedestal. I felt that there wasn't nothing I could do wrong or fail at. Which isn't a bad concept but it's not formidable in the long run.

I remember the first I failed in school, it was for Music a subject I did so well in. But because I didn't want to listen to the teachers anecdotal stories of her new baby, she failed me and gave me one shot to make it up. Unfortunately it sucked because she made it harder than it needs to be. Then the next time I failed wasn't until high school and that was for Spanish class.

Then I went off to college and I never knew how much you can be put down for failing. It's even worse!! You fail a class, you've got to retake it, if the professor hates you—you can kiss that degree goodbye. The more I failed in college, it made me doubt if I was really up the par and good enough for it. But I questioned the fact the teachers had an underlying conflict with me without truly getting to know me or judge me by what I could do. However the more it happened the happier I felt in the long run.

When I ended up flunking out and having to leave not being able to afford it also and plus school was too far away. I liked bein a flunkie and I felt free. Free from all the expectations, the desires and wants of other people that weren't nothing like my own. Even though I got shunned and lost a lot of people whom I thought were my friend. I was disappointed that people only cared when I was making something of myself and being someone I didn't want to me. But when I decided I couldn't please everyone anymore, myself included. I decided to face facts and accept that I can't be number one or on top for everything. When I finally did that. I felt so much better about myself.

It was lesson and a good one at that. I learned that not always is it needed for me to be spectacularly perfect. Just as long as I try my best and gain something, even if it's small, from my hard work as determination—that's all that matters. A lot of people out there may not be able to accept that and may give you an hard time for not meeting their expectations. But that's the thing, no one said we had to please everybody! Work on your own expectations. It's easier to let yourself down opposed to those who disappoint or leave you when things get tough, wrong just plain nasty.

So I may not be the woman I expected to be or was made to think I would've become. I'm a total screw up with issues and problems I can't resolve but I admit to it that I'm not greatest. To me that's the best part of being a flunkie—knowing that I am and not having to deny it :).

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