Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Witchcraft | Friendships?

Yesterday while I sat in the parking lot wondering what to actually do with myself. I saw two girls pull up and park several spaces from me. They had just gotten ice cream at the McDonald's. Nothing fancy, just a sundae. They sat there and giggled and laughed. They seemed to be really having a good time. I couldn't help but get jealous.

As far as I could remember I always desperately wanted a friendship like that. I heard all the things of how people made friends in school and stuck with that friend for the rest of their lives. They were happy and that friend made life's hardships that much easier.

I tried hard. However I never got such said friendship. I was the one always doing the hosting, paying and everything. While they did nothing and even half assed the relationship from the beginning.

Failed friendship after failed friendship I learned that apparently I was doing something wrong. I tried to make new friends but the relationship always went south no sooner than it had just begun. Even if I tried to repair it or build the bond stronger. They refuse to help or meet me halfway.

Now that I'm older nothing has changed. I always end up with the fucked up friends. I tried to make new friends. But since everybody's getting married, having children or creating a life I can't do at the moment due to circumstances. They push me aside and only pop in every now and then if they want a babysitter or their new friends are busy with their spouses and families.

I've gotten to the point that I don't trust people. I refuse to open up or take down my brick wall. I'm tired of being disappointed all the time an being told how I don't understand something. And no I don't want to babysit.

I won't say I don't miss having another person to talk to and spend time with. But I also know even if I get such an opportunity it's not going to last. I rather not get close to people at all and keep everyone at a distance. That way I won't end up hurt, my expectations won't be proven wrong, I end up left alone.

I guess this has been weighing heavily on my mind because recently I've felt lonely. It's nice to connect with other people. But also I get tired of my mom and we can't always communicate. The things she wants to talk about are things I have no interest in. I don't like cooking or the junk that comes on TV now. No I'm not a fan of the news either. But I also feel I shouldn't have to pay someone in some way or form to have them spend just 5 lousy minutes with me.

However I've decided that I don't want any more friends. I refuse to try to make friends with anyone else. I'll just have to sacrifice that small smidgen of happiness that I'll never get to experience all for my feelings and my safety from being taken advantage of. It maybe harsh and to some I'm cutting myself short. But I don't want a friend later to sit in a nursing home with to reminisce and forget things with. I want a friend now, where it counts the most and give me something to reminisce about.

But we can't always have what we want now can we?

So I sat there and watched the two girls laugh and have fun. Eat their ice cream and create a bond and I kind of hoped for their sale that their friendship will last for a long time.

Friendships are a lot like Relationships. They happen to some of us and are just a faded dream that'll never happen for the rest of us.

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