Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Witchcraft | Desperately Seeking

I know that in life that some things have to fall in place. Others take time to mold themselves into something great. While others just continuously fall apart no matter how many times you've tried to repair it.

I've spent my last couple weeks. Job searching. I keep telling myself to give up. But something inside tells me to try one more time. And when I do, I get impatient and feel uneasy. When things don't pan out, I get worried and then that wariness turns into disappointment. Then that in fact turns into anger.

I have a right to be angry. I couldn't finish college due to the price. I had no choice but to drop out. I had lost my financial aid, my mother couldn't help with her fixed income. No one has some odd $52,000 laying around. So I decided to get a job. However because I hadn't finish, I couldn't be considered for a job. It wasn't about me not having enough experience or having the "marketable skills" it was because I didn't have a degree. I tried to go back to school but when life happens you can't focus on menial things. Plus having no financial aid my third time trying proved futile and I was put out and told never to come back.

So I tried to get a job again. Nothing. No call backs no saying we don't want you or to try again later. Nothing. When things take a turn you've got to do what's best. I felt a need to get my life on track to build something for myself. My mother's not going to be here forever. So I need to know for sure I can take care of myself with no problem. I started actively job searching everyday in December 2011.

Well almost a whole year later, I've had 2 bogus interviews, 1 interview, no call backs and more you're useless or not the candidate we want than anything. It's not like I haven't tried these places multiple times. I've tried everything under the natural sun. It's still not enough. What hurts the most it's like I wanted my time doing the right thing to be a good person. Only to end up kicked in my ass and scolded for doing so.

Now that I sit here. I've applied to places recently and heard nothing back. Even applied to a few places over the course of these past two weeks. Nothing. No information. I can't even get a job working during the holiday season. New President or not. This stems deeper than that. People are being prejudice towards those who are unemployed. I don't know about everybody else. But for me it wasn't a choice. I had to move to a new location for school. I couldn't keep my job. I didn't expect I'd come back home to a mountain of debt, no job and the only help I can get is food stamps. Food I have a problem chewing because my wisdom teeth are infected. I can't get help or care because I don't have a job and I can't afford the $300 a month health insurance.

I get mad, jealous and disgusted. Because if I knew my life would've turned out like this. I would've dropped out of high school and happily found a job doing whatever. No I wouldn't expect to do that forever. But having a job is better than never being able to get one at all.

I feel as if society expects me to be a failure. No matter how hard I try to change that label. They refuse to accept anything else. I get if I want something to go after it and try my best. But I'm doing that now and people are preventing me from moving forward. Don't tell me I'm not applying myself and how I need to grow up and be an adult if you're the same person who refuses to hire me.

You wouldn't tell a little kid to learn to get up after they've fallen once or twice and continuously knock them down to the ground a d scream and shout at them to get up. But as soon as they try to get up, you push them right back to the ground. How can they learn to get up and move forward if you block that right?

It's the same thing.

What frightens me the most is my mom dying. Me not affording to pay the bills and losing the house and being homeless. The sad part is the homeless shelters only take in women who have children and drug addicts. Everyone else isn't allowed help. Just like you've got to be pregnant to receive welfare.

Yet my debt gets bigger, my life sucks little bit more each day, and my feelings for everything goes a little bit more sour.

Excuse me for my plans being foiled. And beg my pardon for losing sight on my goals because they can never be fulfilled. Please forgive me when I say I've tried my best. I hope you understand that no I don't know what I want to do, what I want to be or what I expect my life to be in 10+years.

I'm sorry but I'm still desperately seeking for a place to call my own in this world and this life.

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