Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Just An Old Fashioned Fairy Tale

Well today in the midst of thinking. Came up with a few thoughts. Might not all come together like most things do, but it'll have to do for now lol.

I don't know if I told you guys and dolls but for the past month or so I've been bombarded by guys. I wasn't really trying to get anyone's attention or even act like I'm interested in a relationship. But it seems like I've been getting 10 friend requests from guys all different ages, races and nationalities. But even though thats the case, they're all the same. They don't want a relationship, but want to talk about how they want to have hot passionate sex with me and tell me not to expect much else more than that. Oh ok. But when I decline that sorry ass offer I'm seen as bitch, or I'm stingy or I'm not doing what they ask me to—so disobedient!! Well you basically just told me all I'm good for is sex and nothing else. I'm useless. Thanks but no thanks.

Anyway about a week maybe two weeks ago I made the mistake telling my mother what I expected out of life. Which was to be married and have kids of my own. School and all that other stuff wasn't important. But now since I'm not getting any of that, life basically serves no purpose to or for me. So now she thinks I still want to be married and all that other girly fairy tale crap. No no I don't. The other day she got mad at me for pursuing the married mailman. Told me it was wrong and I'm like I really don't care. So she told me I was talking a poor attitude to this situation. How?? He's what I want but he's married, if I can get him to cheat I'll be happy. So what about his wife, she can't have every fucking thing the world has to offer. It's not fair. I had to hear the same thing again today and it made no sense to me why people get so upset over someone cheating. Foul, wrong or marriage sacredness this. That's crap. If you could control your feelings for people we'd all be emotionless zombies. But since that's not the case, shit happens. I fell in love with a married man. He may have lied to me and led me on and even treated me bad for a while. But it's not as worse being told all I'll ever be good for is sex. I'm not even good enough to be a mistress an that's messed up. I wear a top that dips a little bit in the front and I'm told how I'm sucha slut. Other chicks come out with a funky dress, pussy having out and tits barely covered and she's told how GORGEOUSLY BEAUTIFUL she is. The fuck?? Then when a new guy comes along or asks for my number, if I refuse to have sex with him or such his dick I don't hear back from him not ever. Some even left because I mentioned I'm bisexual. Can you blame me?? Men talk me to me like I don't deserve to be loved let alone respected. That'll turn any woman off and make her go towards women. However in that case some women nowadays are flaky just like the men. The best part about it all, when they feel and act like I'm stupid. That pisses me off. But I can't be mad, people have always expected the less out of me even if I tried hard or did even better. I'm still wrong.

Which brings along to my other topic. So my period decided to pop the hell up and fuck up a lot of things. In the midst of my bad cramps, I'm thinking why am I going through this pain really?? It makes no sense. I can't even get a guy to look at me straight and say hey she's worth it lets go out! Let alone being someone's mother. I've tried every possible avenue. To say to a man you want to have a baby is so taboo its ridiculous. As I was on my way home earlier today I thought, I didn't have a baby out of wedlock, didn't get pregnant in high school, was an all around good girl. Yet I get punished for that?? It's crazy. To be told well you don't have any kids likes its wrong. What's sad, this society actually punishes single women for not having kids or expecting more out of life. That's fucked up. Anyway I had thought or considered planning on finding some bloke to impregnate me do I could possibly get food stamps. Sounds ruthless I know. But I don't know what else to do with myself really. But now that it's coming to an end. I know I wouldn't be able to find a guy willing to do that. It would take months and weeks and I'd stil be stuck in the same predicament. Then I thought then maybe I'm not suppose to have a baby of my own, maybe I was never allowed to be a mom in the first place—I just assumed I would be because I thought I was worth it for any guy really, standards included or not. Unfortunately trying to do so on my own would be way too hard. No money and no stability is one reason, but the cost is way beyond anybody's means. Adoption and Foster care are one in the same now and it's even that much more heart breaking to know the baby can be taken off of you naysay. Besides I want a baby of my own. Not someone else baby she got to bond with and I'm just a permanent babysitter basically on for the time being whatever that may be. So I sat there tonight and said how much I'm kidding myself. And I came to a conclusion. Maybe if one day I do get a job or start to save some money. I'll go get my tubes tied or maybe a operation where I can get my ovaries and/or uterus removed. I feel if I do that, the feeling of whaling to be a mom won't be there. If I'm not able to get pregnant I won't have that urge or need. It's sad to give up but I don't want to wait another 25 years. I want to do it now why I have the age and a little bit of patience left. I want to see my kid grow up and get married or have their own kids or even graduate college. But I won't get any of that. So it's best to face the music and not concern myself with something that's never going to happen. Unfortunately everyone this will be the last Road To Mommyhood (RTM) post. No more posts, no more wants. I'm done. I think I've got it out of my system. It's sad and bittersweet. But me expecting to have a baby soon is like waiting to be married. It ain't happening anytime soon or even in the future. Why?? Because apparently I'm not worth it.

Now to topic number three. Like I've always said I'm some sort of freak of nature that seems to repel guys fast than bug spray repels bugs. Why, I have no fucking clue of whatsoever! Anyways. For the past couple weeks I've been feeling real bitter and pissed off. I'm tired of these unavailable men being so available. They love their home life but still yearns for that singleton lifestyle of boozing, have fun and women at their disposal. But what turns me off the most is when one of them tell me how worth it I really am and how any man would love to have me and be with me and marry me. Well apparently you're not one of them, neither are any of the rest of the men. Like I said no matter the race, location or whatever. They all act the same, say the same thing and nothing else because they've already got that. But if I have to be someone's sex toy then let me choose who it's gonna be. Is that so wrong?? Here I sit, mad because I'm lonely and don't have anybody to talk to. I love spending time with my mom, but I don't want to talk about what happened ok the news or why this talk show host did this or why the other one did that. God that shit gets so boring!! I want someone I can watch a movie with, not a romantic chick flick and someone who's not going to go to sleep either or fuss about watching reruns of shows that been off the air for decades. But I don't have that. Will never really have that companionship, no friends—not even best friends. Nothing. That hurts the most. I'm here on this planet without a reason, no purpose, my life sucks ass and I have no way of correcting or fixing it without someone—ANYONE—giving me a change, a little push, or just the support even. tired of the taken men talking to me while their women or wives are busy during the day. Tired of always being second to everywoman in the world. Tired of my friends only feeling I'm only good for a babysitter or to bring them a present. 2012 has been one of the most fucked up years I've ever had. To the point it's downright frustrating. What am I suppose to do with myself?? I'm bored every fucking day, nothing to do but to wake up and listen to my moms conversation of her TV best friends. I hate waking up in the morning. Nothing's change and it never will no matter how hard I try. I wake up to a nothing life and go to bed with it. Where's the future in that?? I even told my mother the other I wanted to be cremated. She told me I shouldn't. But why?? Who's going to bury me if she's gone?? Better yet who's going to come and visit my grave?? No one.

I don't know. I'm all for a good pep talk. But a Pep Talk isn't going to pay off my bills, make me less lonely or give me a baby. Talking helps but after while it's not gong to solve problems or make you feel better. It's like when a loved one dies and people come up and say how sorry they are.....Doesn't fill the void that lingers in your heart, doesn't bring that person back, it doesn't help for the heartache and pain that awaits later on.

So I took time out to think about all the things I had done, that I thought was right or I assumed I was doing the right thing. Being a good person, forgiving people who hurt me. Love all people and make as many friends as I could. Now look at me. I'm a 25 year old woman with no future, who's a step closer to being homeless and forever forgotten. It's been almost a whole year, I tried to fix my life and build something for myself. And I still failed miserably, even though I had all the expectation that I would get a job and be able to start a good life.

I guess not all fairy tales are meant to be...


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