Friday, July 20, 2012

An Unlucky Lover

I've been thinking forever what to call this post about what I'm going to write. Wrote stuff but also felt that it was too too much, rambled on and on or made no sense.

I think I finally got it or let's hope so lol.

When I was a kid I was easily influenced by the slightest thing. Even more so when it appealed to my attention. Like all kids I was told of stories of love, happily ever afters and making a family. The fairy tales didn't help much and not only intrigued me but made me want that lifestyle that much more.

I made it up in my mind early on that I wanted to married and be a mom some day. I guess you could say that I was induced in a false sense of security of not only being told of love being the greatest thing next to microwaveable rice or the fancy fairy tales. But seeing my parents happily married for years and years made that want—that dream, that much more desirable.

As I grew older I knew for sure that I wanted to be happily married with children. I made that my main goal. I was told men like women who are smart, educated and had a career. So I worked hard in school. I never had an interest in cooking but I felt that wouldn't be an issue. Since my high school wasn't big on home economics, it was difficult for those like me who didn't know much about it. However I was confident in thinking that I could learn and try my best. If not then hopefully maybe he was good at it and I was ok with that. I suffered through school and endured being picked on and being made fun of and not having much friends. Because I thought, or I felt I knew that I would end up with my Prince Charming and would be happy beyond all joys of happiness anyone could experience.

During my teen years even though I was never asked out on dates and didn't have a boyfriend really. None of that matter because I felt I would find him in college and get married and have my career and lead a happy life. I had it planed out to a T. I knew I really didn't want just any guy. The guys in high school, a good majority were shiftless, uncouth, jerks, insensitive and had at least two kids by two different girls. I didn't want that. I wanted someone who was damn near close to Superman (or Batman since he's more my style lol). Unfortunately all that came crashing down when I found out all guys were like the ones in high school, if not worse. But I was determine to find the guy for me, get married and lead a very happy life.

Yet as the years rolled on and no dates and no boyfriends came. It became frustrating and I lost sight on what I wanted. Then after my father died, I felt a wedding would serve no purpose if he couldn't be the one to walk me down the aisle. I knew deep down I would feel silly walking down there on my own. So I would settle for a Vegas style wedding. Since the only person from my family who would show up with true sincerity would be my mom. Unfortunately when I got thrust into the real world and experienced all the different types of men available to and for me. I became disgusted and decided I didn't want to marry. Not now, not later, not never. I didn't want to marry to get divorced, or cheated on or to be told he's grown tired or old of me and wants something new. That would break my heart.

Then I met him. He was perfect in so many ways and made me want to be different and do things I never considered on doing. He gave me Hope and I fell in love with him. I got in way in over my head and found out he was married with 3 kids in tote, happily or not he wasn't leaving his wife or family. That hurt more than anything. To be in love with someone that didn't love you back. Things became sour and still are to this very day. 3 years of wasted love that could've went to someone else more deserving and worth it, maybe. Because of that heartbreak I got angry and ended up making bad choices. Then the slightest thing changed my world upside down and made me assume I was pregnant. I knew I had to get myself and my life together for that little person and make a happy life for them. Thankfully I wasn't pregnant, because I was flip flopping my feelings for the baby and that wasn't right. Yet I wanted to still be a mom and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could get married to a pretty ok guy and build a life with him. Still no such luck. No dates, no boyfriend. If I got an offer, either I have to give up sex or be ok with being stood up or alright that his family will come in tote to the date. I got agitated seeing the people I once consider as friends happily coupled off or married and working on having families or building a bigger family. Here I am, unhappy and lonely.

However I learned one thing. Not everybody is meant to be with some one. No matter how good or how perfect they are. The timing's off is bullshit and the whole there's someone out there waiting for you is even more crap. I get mad and my feelings are hurt when people ask if I'm married or not and why I'm not a housewife. I really don't want to be, also on the same token I really don't know why. I'm tried of attracting the wrong kinds of guys who don't want marriage or kids and would much prefer a life filled with bachelor nights and baby mamas. So I've learned to accept it and be appreciative of it and be ok with it. Even though I'm not and I'm hurt. I'm gonna have to live with it and find a way to be happy or at least contented in this world. Maybe next time I'll get a second chance at this Life thing. Maybe not. At least I gave it my best shot.

For now, I'll despise all of those married, coupled off and happily engaged with kids galore. You people make life hard for single people like me who can't even catch a break. I know I would've been a good lover and mother and may need work on being a good wife but I would've tried hard and gave it my all. Since no guy wants to take a chance on me that's fine. I'll just have live the reminder of my life as a Crazy Cat Lady. At least someone will be appreciative of me and love me. I couldn't wish for anything more.

As my friends cope with unsingled lifestyle and parenthood. I'll be enjoying my life as a single girl. Contented and ok with being alone until I die. It's sad but true and you've got to face reality and facts.

I'm an unlucky lover not by choice but by fate and I'm happy with that.


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