Monday, June 4, 2012


I dunno why I waste my time job searching. I already know I'm not going to get a job no matter how hard I try. It's not about personality issues or if you're positive/negative's that gut feeling you get. You don't need a memo or email, not even a notification to know if something's wrong and not working out. But what agitates me the most is the fact, that I am trying my hardest and everyone feels that isn't good enough. I'm not perfect and I don't consider myself to be perfect. But no matter what I do in my life good or bad, I am always punished servely. And it kills me seeing people whine and complain about the pettiest and silliest of things and how much their life sucks. Hell I would trade you in a heartbeat!! To have nothing and still look forward to nothing is more than depressing and hurtful.

But then I have to sit here and wonder wtf am I trying so hard, knowing I'm nt going to get that happiness like I want, frabricated or not. So I'm wasting my time on an unpurposeful life, working hard for something I will never get and busting my ass just to get to say "I'm Finally Happy" doesn't seem or feel pliable enough to me. More arsey versey if you ask me.

All this pain and heartache just to even say "Hey World I Exist" is ridiculous. But what I love most is how Americans can feel so sorry and sympathetic for people not of our country and give them whatever they need and help them to rebuild themselves and make something of themselves....while there are Americans here struggling the same exact way and what do they say?? You're not tryin hard enough, you're useless, you're not applying yourself, your lazy, you're this an you're that. Never once offering even a hand of hope or help. They just watch them fall down to the ground and kick them as hard as they can and bash them and mistreat as many times as possible with that "figure it out on your own" speech. It's quite sad. I see America falling down one day and this time no president or rich person can help to restore or bring it back to where it once was.

Why did the forefathers leave England and Europe of you were only going to repeat the same mistakes they made and recreate the very thing they were leaving in the first place?? I bet their souls are crying out and hurting. All the struggles they went through to make a happier place and what do you?? Recreate the same hell they we're trying to leave. Makes no sense to me.

Irregardless, I'll still try even though I know better. I'll still try my best. I just refuse to hope on things that won't happen, have faith in something I know won't happen, or even believe in a higher being who ignores me everytime I need help.

No one will every know the pain I've been through and no one could ever say they know how I feel. If they did, they would be more understanding. I'm not asking to be catered to or to be spoiled. I just want what is fair, owed and due to me. I think I deserve that much, right?? If not then why exactly am I here?? Why be born here to suffer and be in pain all the time?? Why go through life with these high expectations where you get less or no result at all?? Why is that??

Maybe I was raised wrong and shouldn't've been born. Maybe no one would have to listen to my complaining and be attendees to my "pity party" and I won't be so eternally unhappy and not by emotions but all the way into my heart and soul.

Imagine recall the last time you were genuinely happy.....

I can't remember the last time I was happy, couldn't try even if my life depended on it. Probably the last time I was happy was before I was ever old enough for school, before my parents got sick, before any of the bad stuff—that probably was a happy time, sad thing is, I was probably so young, I don't remember any of it.

Hmm, maybe I was rumbling or conveying some deep hidden thoughts and feelings. But either way I feel a little bit better but then on the same token I want to cry, but there won't be anyone to console me and hold my hand and tell me it's gonna be ok.

Damned to be alone, and there's nothing I can do to fix it.

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