Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Think I'm Finally Over It

I think I'm finally over it.

So we know about the mailman who I fell deeply in love with and had on my mind constantly all the time. The same man I was willing to do whatever for, and then some just to get him. Yea Him.

Last time I saw him it was maybe the end of February beginning of March. And my uncle had stop by to drop something off to my mom and we spent some time chit-chatting about different things.

So it was a little after lunch time. I heard one of the dogs on the streets pitching one and when I look there he was. Then it made me reminisce to the last time I saw him and how I sorta felt happy just to see him. Even though up until that particular point he would rarely talk to me. Well basically it was like he had nothing to say. Even when I would ask him general questions like how he was doing and what was new—he'd give me one word answers or throw off some jibberish and continue what he was doing. And now that I think about that was really rude, fucking douche.

So yea, when I last saw him it was still winterish and was cold enough we all needed a jacket and long pants of some sort. My heart skipped a beat and I was sorta happy, even if he refuse to talk to me. However when I saw back in February/March I was so enthused with the fact of seeing him face to face and excitement just overflowed. When we made eye contact he have me this smug ass expression, rolled his eyes and ignored me like I never existed in the first place. And dammit if that didn't hurt like hell. Broke my heart. He would even usually bring the mail half way to me but refused and acted like I wasn't on the porch at all. The fuck type of shit is that??

So in sitting on the porch today—Cooling it. Enjoying the Summer Breeze and listening to the low rumble of the thunder that's in the distance. When I noticed my neighbor had company and we live on a high hill or basically a mountain. So anybody's voice will echo clearly and loudly. Not that I was eavesdropping I sat here pondering of I was being punished for taking my tongue piercing so well and now I'm forced to eat soft foods like yogurt and mashed potatoes for nourishment. When all of a sudden I heard one of the neighbors say hey and I look.

There he sat in his mail truck and he chit chatted with them. At first I was trying to figure out if it was him or not. Then when I picked up on his voice, the same voice that used to send shivers up and down my spine. I just sat there and instantly thought of when I last saw him and how mean he treated me. So the neighbor asked him when they're going to hook up or whatever. I was deep in my own thoughts and was barely paying attention until one of them asked if he had a Facebook. He said no, he didn't like Facebook he rather meet face to face and drove off laughing.

There I say, mind twisted and then I realized I felt like something was missing. You ever have one of those moments where your there in mind, body & soul but something just don't seem right or it's missing?? Yea it was one of those moments.

Then it hit me—am I over him?? Am I finally over him??? I sat here thinking and tried so hard to remember what it felt like to have my heart beat so hard that it felt like it would jump out my chest. Or the way my tummy would get all butterflied with anticipation and excitement. If you grown woman, you know how some men just make go dripping wet......none of that. Nothing. I tried my hardest and got nothing. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at the thought of how silly and blindly in love I was with him. I would do anything for that man. I was even ready to cheat with him just to say I had him even if it was for one night. But none of that came to mind, no feelings, no happiness—nothing. For some odd reason I felt at peace. I felt like I has gotten over something and now I'm able to officially move on.

Let me tell you, it feels damn good to me lol.

I guess in some regards, I will always love him. I won't deny that. He was my very first love. I spent a lot of time working on that love. It wasn't an infatuation or crush, not even an unrequited love. I knew what those were like and I was ok with that. This was different and I knew it. I hate the fact that I fell in love with him and with the girlfriend. Because I wasted good love that could've went to someone who not only was appreciative of it but accepted me and loved me back in return. Someone who actually deserved it. Unfortunately I doubt I could fall in love with someone else. It would be too hard and I would be devastated if I ended up brokenhearted for a third time.

But then again I could be wrong. I said I would always love him and only him. And if I ain't fell not one spark for him AT ALL today. Me falling in love with someone else might change too. Maybe.

For now.....I know I'm over him and I'm happy. Maybe turning 25 wasn't so bad after all.

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