Sunday, May 20, 2012

25DOB | Day 26

"A Teary Eyed Birthday"

So it's my birthday today. Today I turn 25 years old. I'm not where I expected or wanted to be. I will say that I'm quite unhappy a to how things have gone so far. It's depressing actually. Even though I've been trying hard to make things work and to gain a better and happier perspective on life. Even to gain a peace of mind would've been just as lovely—unfortunately it didn't work out that way.

I won't say what's happen so far is my fault. I won't say that I blame someone else. There's no good that comes from something like that. Blaming only makes people more miserable than they already are. No one will be satisfied. So in that regard I won't do that. All I can honestly say is that I worked hard. I did what I had to do. Worked hard in high school to get into college. Went to college and worked hard or maybe I should say I did my very best and I'm proud of that. However unfortunate events came along, no one was ever prepared for, and not only did I end up completely lost and confused, my world was thrown upside down.

I've made bad choices, had more frienemies than best friends, a family who doesn't love me and things most women can brag about and wave off that I probably will never experience. All in all, I was a good person. I care for the ones I love, even of they did hurt me in someway or form. I even forgave and forgot all the bad things people done to me. Because one shouldn't go through out life hating, plotting revenge or contemplating on getting even with someone. While your miserable and unhappy, they're contented and happy as peach pie. But then again that's how funny irony can be.

As for now, I'll admit it and say to be a 25yo college drop out who's hideously ugly by society's overly high standards.…A part of me is happy to celebrate my 25th Birthday. It's an accomplishment in some regards. But then there's a bigger part of me who honesty is really hating thing and wish there were no birthdays, even wish I wasn't born. It's the truth, how am I suppose to feel will the world acts like I shouldn't exist in the first place. Like my birthday is just another day—so what who cares? It hurts. It hurts a lot actually. Even though they've never out right voiced that opinion. Their actions speak so much louder than their words ever could.

It's a nice hot day and usually I would probably go to the nail shop and get pampered, get my hair done and do stuff that I wanted to do that others refuse to do. I'd be somewhat happy. However today, on this nice hot day. I'mma be sitting at home, alone with my mom trying to preoccupy my time until 1:18am tomorrow comes. Then I can finally be honest with myself and say I don't want to celebrate any more birthdays. I haven't had a truly Happy Birthday in a very long time. Then again maybe it's because my expectations of how things and situations should go are unbelievably high and unattainable to begin with. It doesn't hurt to wish though, right??

Even now it's silly. I should be happy full of smiles and celebrating this get milestone. Instead, I'm sitting here in the nice weather, writing how I feel—trying not to cry so much.

I won't say it'll be different. Because I know it's not and I can't predict the future or check out my rocks & sea shells and determine the destiny business like Tia Dalma did. That's not who I am or what I've become.

I'm just a regular old girl. The girl next door, who's always been ignored and bullied by the popular skanks. The one guys say they're looking for but are too prideful to crack. That girl who was a top student and dropped out and lost control of her life completely. Heartbreaks, Let-Downs & Unhappiness will always plague my used to be bright smile. Always alone looking for someone to love me for me and accept that I'm not perfect, but in fact perfectly imperfect. The very girl who hates her own birthday—

But all in all, there's another little part of me who wouldn't change it for the world. I just hope next time around, next life time as a matter of fact, that I don't make the same mistakes and learn to be a stronger person.

For now I know one thing, I damn sure ain't the only loser in the world. So thus, I shall write about the things that are deleted off the Facebook that people only take on half ass seriously. We all have bouts of unhappiness and depression. And we all make mistakes. But we shouldn't be punished for being human either.

I'm human and I know it. Can't change it or fix it. Color it or redraw it. I am human. And a human I shall forever stay.

So now I'm off to go mourn this sad happy day. Trust me I know one thing, we ain't doing this again.

But last time I said that I celebrated happily now didn't I??


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