Friday, May 18, 2012

25DOB | Day 24

"An Ugly Swan"

I was going to write for this particular Day of Bunny about how I was told by everyone—and by everyone I mean people outside of family, friends of family and some close personal friends, etc.—that I was do hideously ugly. However I saw something today (6/5/12) and it made me happy for two reasons. One: because it was a question everyone always asks of themselves and I got an answer from some I least suspected which made me sorta happy. Two: I'm happy the Days Of Bunny ended up getting pushed back because now I can write something so much better.

So as far as I could remember I always thought of myself as being cute, like everyday kind of cute. If I would dress up or wear something outside of everyday clothes, that's when I felt pretty. But as I got older, not just the little boys but the girls too, would always tell me how ugly I was and I was never pretty, no matter what kind of party dress (yes we wore party dresses in the 90s lol) I had on—I would always be ugly. And I won't lie, that hurt. Whether it was done out of jealousy or just straight up meanness, it didn't matter it still hurt. No one wants to be told that, let alone hear that everyday.

Well somewhere along the way I started to believe them. And considered myself unpretty. I didn't know what else to do. And as far as my bringing up goes, my parents were the type who would say how pretty I looked and made over me (in a non-spoiling type of way lol). But it's one thing to have your parents praise how pretty you are, compared to hearing what other people have to say.

I guess that's why I stopped wearing pretty clothes and felt more comfortable with my blue jeans and shirt or top or whatever for the day. Threw my long hair into a ponytail always and kept to myself. I was a loner to begin with and I already knew it. But it's hard to open up to people in general when you have insecurities and flaws you don't want them to find out about. Or even judge you about them. And because of all those things, maybe because of my low self-esteem and low confidence played a major role in me having a boyfriend in my early school days. Then again maybe I wasn't what the boys wanted in the first place. Hell I enjoyed going to the library and reading books and participating in after school activities. The other girls were more interested in colored hair weaves, new designer clothes, sex, money and which guy held the most power in the school. Sluttiness was easily confused in my school as a good thing.

All of my current problems made me think back to my senior and prom time. Me and a friend was suppose to go to prom together as friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I wasn't interested in him that way, and how he felt wasn't important. He was like my best friend—until he backstabbed me. In the few months before prom he was half ass participating. So I got to the point where I didn't want to go. I didn't like the other kids in my class. Most of them had Billie me and made fun of me and rarely spoke me. Why spend what's suppose to be a "fun and great" evening with people who really didn't want me there to begin with?? So shortly before prom, the friend said he didn't want to go with me anymore. Never have a reason why, not like he had to and I didn't care. I felt I was free and I could stay at home. Unfortunately that's not how it worked out. So when prom finally came. Not only did he show up but he took another girl to prom. I wasn't jealousy or seriously mad. I was disgusted. And my then best friend had the nerve to tell me what some of the people were saying about me. Even though I did get an update that following Monday.

LéSans didn't have a prom date because she's so hideously ugly

Why would anyone want to take out LéSans she's so ugly and lame

Maybe the person she was suppose to go with realized how ugly she was and back out—HAHAHAHAHAHAAA

I had to listen to that until graduation. Not to mention I got ridiculed for not picking the Prom King & Queen. And dammit I felt I shouldn't have to vote if there aren't any good candidates. Like wtf. Anyway, regardless of how the people cheered me on at the prom line up. I still had to hear the bullcrap. So that 5 minutes worth of fame wasn't good enough to me or for me.

My friend had the nerve to talk to me at the prom for a few minutes and take a picture. It was comical how he just "coincidently" showed up at prom in my colors. Hmm. And in the midst of his conversation of which I can't recall, he was more concerned about getting a ride to somewhere. But since I was forced to stay the whole time, I wasn't leaving anytime soon. Even though our friendship fell to pieces because of that, I didn't get a I'm sorry or I didn't mean to. Last time I talked to him was probably 5-6 years ago and he was asking me if I had seen anyone we had graduated with. No, and I don't care to. I had seen a few of them from time to time but they ignored like they usually did. So who honestly gives a fuck??

But I guess you could say that made me bitter and when my false sense of security finally fell apart beyond fixation. I was confused an did things backwardly. Hooking up with whoever, hanging out with whoever—did things I never though I would do. I expected and thought I would get a boyfriend in high school and share all my first with that person. I wasn't banking on it was going to be forever, because my sick twisted mind told me that I would meet Mr. Right in college and we would get married.

Deep down, I still wish I had taken a different approach or done something differently. I wanted to have a first love, first boyfriend, the first date, kiss, even the first time having sex with someone I could hold as a memorable worth while person. Who accepted me and liked or loved me. But I missed out.

I don't remember who was my first kiss. Couldn't recall I my life depended on it. Can barely remember who I lost my virginity too. And as for my first "real" love—well he turned out to be married with kids. First real love with a girl, well the novelty that was I wore off quicker than nail polish in acetone. In all those experiences, no boyfriend and no date. I would get asked out but the guy never followed through. He would lie and say he was busy and never rescheduled. Or I was left hanging. Or even some wanted me to meet them in East Ublip somewhere because his gas was more important. Even asking my mom what I'm doing wrong, she wanted to base it on the company I kept over the years. Well to a point I understand that. But what's the excuse now?? I don't have those friends anymore, and I've done everything right so the experts say. She deduced I needed a self help relationship book. When I told her the top 3 (Think Like A Man, He's Not That Into You, & The Truth About Men) she said those weren't good enough and to find something else. But none of those applied to me or my situation. Most of the guys who did ask me out did even have a car so how can I be "chirp chirp girl" in the first place?? Or just tell him your dating other people he'll come around and want to claim what's his—yea do you see guys fighting over pizza & hot wings?? I have yet to see that, but if there's a way to get more trust me he's gonna find another way. Or well if you want the nice guy, you shouldn't have friendzoned him. Only guys in my friendzone or close to it are the guys I'm not interested in. Those guys who feel a quick fuck is like a "getting to know you better" event. The ones who have the audacity to tell me I'm worthless and will always be a sex object. The ones who tell me I'm hideously ugly. Those are the guys in my friendzone.

Within all of the mess, I'm still trying to find myself and figure out what to do. I know my life's not exactly great nor is it perfect. And some of my so-called friends are in the same boat, but yet they have boyfriends, husbands and/or kids (hell some got all 3). So then of course it made me wonder is it because I'm not pretty enough?? Weight aside, because there are some big sisters out there who got men and makes you wonder what the hell, but it could be because she has money, maybe???

So I find myself doubting myself. To never hear, you're pretty or worth it or have the guys or whoever flock to you like they lie about in the movies and'll eventually make you doubt yourself. Then again I have to think the only good, great guy I knew was my dad. All the others either hurt me, abused or misused me, hurt my feelings, tell me how I don't match up to HER, or completely ignore me like I don't exist. I understand you should let one or handful of guys ruin it. But it hard to accept that and practice that when a bunch of guys have done so. I don't want to be told I'm cute just so he can get a sexual satisfaction. I don't want to hear how pretty I am and end up a baby mama with and for someone who didn't care in the first place. However I'm not saying I want to be married. I just want someone who will accept me for me and be ok with that. Don't try to make me something I'm not or mold me into something you feel you can "possibly" live with.

I'll admit, I'm still confused about Love, Life and Relationships. I'll even admit and say I dislike people in relationships. They brag too much and make a mountain out of a mole hill. The funny thing is they always say not to worry, but you do and you will. Friends are more like close enemies and will lie to your face without thinking about the consequence or outcome. Family isn't always enough and we need to be close to other people have an intimate (non sexual) relationship with other people. Men are so picky nowadays about what they want and what they expect, sometimes when the best thing that could ever happen to them is standing right in front of them, they run off to obtain the easiest thing.

Like they say make men work to get you as their mate, girlfriend, or wife. Why should he have to work hard for something when there's a skank waiting to give it up to him and for him all for free of charge, no work required??

But, finding that picture and wondering how sucha good question it is—something else happened and I didn't even consider it. A guy I grew up with, who's basically like family told me the answer was yes. Believe it or not it made me happy. Then I thought, well everyone's entitled to their own opinion of someone–anyone! And everyone has their own preferences of what they like in any given person.

I might be hideously ugly, unpretty and not cute or gorgeous enough for some people. But that doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way. I'm nothing special, I have flaws and insecurities like everyone else and made a lot of mistakes and still got to grow up a little bit. But none of that makes me a horrible person or lacking in any way or form. I'm human, just like everybody else. I always try my best and do what I can. I turned out to be an insecure, untrusting and strange 25 year old with a killer mean streak. I didn't grow up this way, people help made me this way.

So I think for now, I'm not going to worry about love at all. And I'll just have to hope that one day my dream of having at least one baby will possibly come true. No matter how silly it sounds, it's what will make me happy. However, I'm going to continue to work on me and continue to grow.

For now I'm still an ugly duckling, but I have high hopes of becoming the beautiful swan I was meant to be.


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