Saturday, May 12, 2012

25DOB | Day 18


SO at some point in our lives as teens and early Twentiers *lol* we try stuff and experiment and develop habits. Some good habits, and others really bad, hard, unbreakable habits. I'm not gonna lie and say I wasn't partied to it, nor say I was the President of the Hippie Clubs lol.

Well anyway on with it, in the midst of my college years, I experimented with the friends I had made up there and took a small liking to smoking. I said I would never do it because of much it made me sick as a kid because my dad was a smoker. And of course if you don't drink and smoke you'll be a good kid speeches during elementary and stuff. However everyone has this reasons as to why and why they don't do things.

Anyway in my junior year of college I ended up living with my slutty cousin. Not the best decision but thank goodness I didn't make it!! She was one of those family members you saw often but not often enough to get to really know. So you know her, but you don't KNOW HER. We weren't getting along and housing was being a douchewaffle about separating us, saying I shouldn't've asked her to be my roommate and I'm like I didn't my parents came up with that mess. The only reason why they did so was because they felt that I would be someone she knew and could come to if she needed something or had a problem. Be somewhat of support system. However didn't expect her to mate with every boy on campus and just be a problem child and create more problems for me since I had to bust my ass to get her into school in the first place. She was ungrateful little hussy.

While we were having our living problems with each other and I loved her too much as my little cousin. We were raised together basically off and on through out our years, and sort of lost touch when we got older as teenagers and we're also two year apart in age so that was another factor. So since I couldn't bring myself to bodily harm her, like I truly wanted to, I started smoking cigarettes in 2007. Then I would pretend she was the butt of the cigarette and stomp the HELL out of that thing. Best bad therapy ever lol. It became a habit to release stress and get over whatever issue that was plaguing me, or kick someone's ass without putting my hands on them. It was truly blissful. I did so all the way up until my dad died, even when I moved up to Altoona. Only the people on campus knew I was doing so, my parents didn't even know. Not that I'm proud of that....

I knew it became a problem when I was up in Altoona and I brought two packs of cigarettes during one of my adventures. In less than 2 weeks I smoked up both packs all due to the crazy butts I lived with. I decided around the end of March, beginning of April 2009 that I would stop or take a break. So I quit, everything was fine and peachy and I was doing great.

Around 2010, I started back up again because  my mom was making things stressful, and I was dealing with life being a college drop out, no job offers and more debt than I could stick a shake at. So I smoked and was contented, it felt like a release or maybe a relief. Even though it was momentarily or for a little while I was happy and contented. Then at some point I decided to take on smoking cigarillos. I think I did it mostly out of curiosity and enjoyed it. A big no no. I tried all the flavors and found out I liked the grape more over peach and strawberry. I would even smoke a black and mild every once in awhile. I started to like the cigarillos better than the cigarettes. They lasted longer and didn't burn up in T-5seconds. Believe it or not they were a lot cheaper than the cigarettes. I smoked Kool, but you would have to search hard and long (get your giggle out now) to find a pack for $3 maybe $4, otherwise you're paying the $5 on up price. But cigarillos....I could get short cigarillos for about $2-3 and a regular pack would be $3-4. Not only was the price reasonable, but I was able to hold on to them longer and I didn't have to go searching for cigarettes every couple days. It was pure bliss. Had lighters and filters galore and I knew exactly where I needed to go to get what I wanted and I was happy.

Then one day my mom was searching for something in my purse that I told her was in the front pocket of the purse. Did mom do that?? No of course not lol. She went through my purse like most moms do and found my cigarette & cigarillos stash. Yea I got hollered at and she assumed I picked up the bad habit from my "bad friends" and I told her I didn't. and that I'd been doing it for 3 years or so. She didn't believe me and wondered why my father never picked up on it and all these conspiracy theories. So around December 2010 I eventually stopped. The way I dealt with it was I kept a pack of cigarillos in my purse with the filters. I would even transfer them when I would change my purse. My mom asked why I was still holding on to them since I wasn't smoking them. I think or it's my belief I did so because it was the security of knowing they were there, they were in a place I could find and get to them if I needed to. I was ok with that. I would still and I still do carry my lighters, I have a favorite one that has eye balls on it with flames and it has a light on it and if you shine up against a wall it says "I Only Have EYES For You" lol.

At some point I stopped carrying the cigarillos in my purse. I know where they are though but all my filters broke up from me chewing on them. I'm still ok, to a point lol. I do have moments where I want a cigarette or something and smoke my problems away for a little while and ponder on crazy stuff. It's a bad habit, but it's a good thing if you can stop and say no more. Makes me recall when my dad would get frustrated with something or get stressed out he would scream and throw a tizzy fit about wanting a cigarette to smoke. I think thats the reason why I was so comfortable with doing it later on in my life. Plus I like the smell of the black and mild too. My dad from time to time would smoke his pipe and it always smelled of cherry wood or something similar. to me it was a nice smell and I was always fond of the smell for some odd reason. Even though I rarely smoked a black and mild, I would light it just to have that reminiscent smell and sit there and think about my dad. For all I know may it was another way for being closer to him and not forgetting him. Then again it was mostly to get rid the issues that were plaguing my life and causing me dismay lol.

So another something you learned about me, that you may not have known lol.

However kids out there, don't start a habit like smoking or drinking because your friends think or says it's cool. It can be very addicting and I'm not going to lecture you because you have to make your best judgement when making choices. I'm not saying you would never try or experiment with anything, but it's best if you don't. You don't want to become dependent on something that's not only detrimental to your health but can turn into a hard habit to break.

So remember that ok!


Post a Comment

What do you think?

Chrome Pointer