I can't sleep so I might well get this off my mind and that might help bring the slumber.
So as you all know I love house plants. After my cats killed them all except for two bamboos. I haven't really done live plants since. Just flowers every now and then. So the last bamboo I had which is 4years old and a trooper! Is actually at the moment dying. I've tried everything possible to keep the bamboo alive because it meant the world to me that it was still living and going strong after the kitty tornado wreaked havoc in my house lol. What's sad is that it's dying from the middle. The leaves and the rest of the stalk is green and healthy. But the middle is yellowing, browning and dying slowly.
Looking at the poor bamboo reminded me of my relationship. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and means the world to me. But lately, he's been a real dick to me. He's hurt me, pushed me away, called me names and disrespected me in so many ways possible that I cannot tolerate it. This past Saturday we had another big fight and he went so far to tear the decorations off my tree and throw them at me. All I could do is stand there watching our relationship die from the inside out and no matter what I did or do I can't save it anymore. I can't hold on anymore. And even though he won't let go....I've got to. Because holding on will just make matters worse and we both end up unhappy.
I don't want to argue or fight. I don't want to listen to how I'm not what he wants and how he needs to fix me. How he's secretive and dishonest with me. Excuses and bullshit all around. I'm tired. And I can't love someone who can't even be considerate enough to love me enough to not hurt me.
His love is like that bamboo. I hate to part with it. And the time I invested into it feels like a waste and I just can't bring myself to let go. But I know if I continue to hold on to it....it's going to rot. It can't be saved or fixed. There's not enough love or nurture left in me to save something that's already dead from the inside. Even though this maybe the hardest thing I have to do right know. I know I have to. I have to do what's best for me and my interests. I refuse to be happy, I don't want to regret being in a relationship I'm not happy about. I don't want to hold on to dying plant that can't be revived or recovered.
I'll still have my memories. All the great, fun and awesome times me and him spent together. I'll even have our child too. But we just don't work anymore. We're like oil and water and will never meant to mix no matter how hard we try.
Just like that bamboo, no matter how much I love it and enjoyed it's company all these years. I have to let go and get rid of it too.
One day I hope to get a new bamboo or two.
But another love affair, I don't think I have any love left or muster up the strength to do it again. Least I know with the bamboo as long as I love and nurture that plant it will grow and blossom. I don't have that guarantee loving another person. They're like an oak tree—weak, fragile and undependable.