Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Hardest Decision (...Ever)

Hi kids!!

Long time no see huh? 

I've been a busy bunny. I'm working two jobs now from 7am to 11pm. Been doing so for a month now and it's exhausting but the hard work is worth it. I see it paying off and that's got me super excited.  

However at the moment I'm beyond tired and exhausted. I feel like death is rubbing my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear lol. I ended up with a sinus infection. That's been kicking my ass like crazy! I had a headache all day yesterday and could barely get out of bed. Sore throat and no chance of breathing through my nose. It's been a sucky last couple days. But because of going to the ice cold offices and then to the blazing heat outdoors. It's got me all types of messed up. 

But that's not what I wanted to talk about though. 

So currently. I'm also not in my best potential as myself. Because right now it's a mystery if I'm pregnant or not. I mentioned it awhile back. But then I took a few tests who told me NOT PREGNANT in big bold letters. But yet I'm nauseated, my feet and ankles are swollen, I have to pee constantly, I have a vomit session here and there. And I just feel weird. I don't feel like myself. At first I didn't notice until one day I had this abrupt mood swing and was agitated at everything. Now I'm like well. So I took two more test at the end of July. One was a negative. The other a faint positive. 

It's not so much being pregnant that concerns me. It's the fact how this will affect so many lives and things that concerns me. 

My baby's father who's also my boyfriend and have been for almost two years now. Feels it's not his baby. He used a condom and that's that. Ok. Well sometimes condoms don't work. Personally if one was used, it wasn't put on correctly. We both were drunk off our asses and could barely walk a straight line and yet you could functionally put a condom on no problems. Which then turned into he didn't come that night at all. So it can't be his baby. It's gotta be someone else's. Ok so the last person I had sex with prior to him was my ex. Which was a whole year prior to when we had sex a few months ago. 

Didn't matter. Still not his baby. Which then came the whole you're trying to trap me bullshit and you probably saved some of the semen to wipe it in yourself. You know how fucked up it is to have someone you love and care about talk to you like you're a common whore and it was a one night stand type gig?? Like are you serious?? So then it's like well you might as well consider abortion. I'm like why would you say some fucked up shit like that?? Why would you say abort our baby?? Which he retorted: Not my baby. Gotcha. 

So. The last time we talked about it I got agitated and said well fuck it. I'll just abort it and I don't have to listen to your mouth anymore. Then he says no, don't do that. You should keep it. Why am I keeping a baby if you think it's not yours?? He says well there might be a possibility it's mine and you shouldn't abort our baby. But you said you don't think it's yours. He replied well no I don't. But if there's a possibility it is then we should keep it.  Uh-huh. 

So now I'm debating if I want the baby or not. I think it's fucked up to abort the baby because they don't fit my lifestyle right now and will make things difficult for me. However I don't want to be stuck and he's on some dumb bullshit. Yeah I know another kid for him is an expense. I know that. But I'm not trying to trap him or force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But I shouldn't be inconvenience as well. I don't have a support system. My parents are gone and I'd be force to pay for daycare and a babysitter and everything else on my own. But in the event that becomes too expensive I'd half to be a stay at home mom which would be a pain. Because that means no income. Maybe some help from the welfare office. And he's over in his corner turning up still talking about how he's not the daddy. 

But I also hope that I have enough time to do an abortion if I decide to take that road. It's been 3 months since my last period. And I've missed before. But I've never been sick or this uncomfortable either. 

So now I have to make a decision if I want to keep the baby and be a single a mom always struggling, constantly inconvenienced. Or if I want to get rid of the baby, keep him and make him happy, but always wonder what if or eventually regret it in the long run. 

Probably by far the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And I really don't know what to do. Above all else I'm so scared to be doing this on my own anyway.  

So I hope my visit to the doctors will shed some light on my decision...
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