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but Personality gets Attention...
It's said that asking people questions lets you get to know them better...
Saturday, December 31, 2016
As with a lot of relationships after a while of being together you guys lose sight on creativity within the relationship. Yeah it can get boring and stale and will even drag on and feel like a boring routine. But you've got to be creative and do things you've never done before to keep it exciting. My boyfriend was fun in the beginning and we had a blast! But then we got comfortable and that comfortability turned to boredom. We just sat around each other just to be sitting around each other. We didn't work on changing things. Then it got to the point he didn't want to do anything. No outings or dates. No more watching movies or TV together. It was just I’mma sit here and watch football games all day and you're gonna sit here with me and enjoy it. Well I don't want to. I like sports but I don't want to spend the whole day watching football games all day long. Maybe for an hour or two or let's watch a movie or something else. I even get turned off when he says oh you're making me miss the game. No I’m not. So I go upstairs to watch tv here he comes and it's like this back and forth I gotta do what you think is fun. Ok and I will but not excessively to the point I'm bored and can't entertain myself in another activity.
Here's the gist! It doesn't have to be expensive date or fancy flowers or even some outrageous declaration of love and affection. It can be a picnic in the park or even an outing to the mall. It’s the effort that counts the most. But it’s like once someone gets comfortable the creativity stops and becomes a boring routine. Honestly I miss his creativity. The random love notes he wrote were the best. It wasn’t Shakespeare but I love them anyway because he cared about me enough to convey those feelings on paper. But it’s like I’ll ask if I need to get flowers to keep me from being mad at him. I want you to do it because you want to. Not because you had to or was trying to find a resolution.
So don’t miss out on someone great because you think doing something is corny or a waste of time. It’s the little things that counts and makes them happy & love you even more. So for 2017 be creative!
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Monday, December 26, 2016
To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Friday, December 16, 2016
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
I can't sleep so I might well get this off my mind and that might help bring the slumber.
So as you all know I love house plants. After my cats killed them all except for two bamboos. I haven't really done live plants since. Just flowers every now and then. So the last bamboo I had which is 4years old and a trooper! Is actually at the moment dying. I've tried everything possible to keep the bamboo alive because it meant the world to me that it was still living and going strong after the kitty tornado wreaked havoc in my house lol. What's sad is that it's dying from the middle. The leaves and the rest of the stalk is green and healthy. But the middle is yellowing, browning and dying slowly.
Looking at the poor bamboo reminded me of my relationship. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and means the world to me. But lately, he's been a real dick to me. He's hurt me, pushed me away, called me names and disrespected me in so many ways possible that I cannot tolerate it. This past Saturday we had another big fight and he went so far to tear the decorations off my tree and throw them at me. All I could do is stand there watching our relationship die from the inside out and no matter what I did or do I can't save it anymore. I can't hold on anymore. And even though he won't let go....I've got to. Because holding on will just make matters worse and we both end up unhappy.
I don't want to argue or fight. I don't want to listen to how I'm not what he wants and how he needs to fix me. How he's secretive and dishonest with me. Excuses and bullshit all around. I'm tired. And I can't love someone who can't even be considerate enough to love me enough to not hurt me.
His love is like that bamboo. I hate to part with it. And the time I invested into it feels like a waste and I just can't bring myself to let go. But I know if I continue to hold on to it....it's going to rot. It can't be saved or fixed. There's not enough love or nurture left in me to save something that's already dead from the inside. Even though this maybe the hardest thing I have to do right know. I know I have to. I have to do what's best for me and my interests. I refuse to be happy, I don't want to regret being in a relationship I'm not happy about. I don't want to hold on to dying plant that can't be revived or recovered.
I'll still have my memories. All the great, fun and awesome times me and him spent together. I'll even have our child too. But we just don't work anymore. We're like oil and water and will never meant to mix no matter how hard we try.
Just like that bamboo, no matter how much I love it and enjoyed it's company all these years. I have to let go and get rid of it too.
One day I hope to get a new bamboo or two.
But another love affair, I don't think I have any love left or muster up the strength to do it again. Least I know with the bamboo as long as I love and nurture that plant it will grow and blossom. I don't have that guarantee loving another person. They're like an oak tree—weak, fragile and undependable.
Friday, December 2, 2016
Since I'm still up thought I jot down a few thoughts for you lol
I do want to say Happy December!! I hope this is a great month for you guys & dolls. And make it count! This is the end of 2016! So you definitely want to start 2017 off with not only a bang but on a good note.
Well as you may or may not know. Me and my boyfriend been fighting off and on. And it's more than just the trivial coupling. We just don't mesh anymore like we used to.
Anyway the other night I get off work and as I was going home I noticed I need gas for my car. But the little money I had I needed for my bus fare to work. As I drove I thought how nice it would be to have a boyfriend I could ask hey can I borrow $10 for gas?? I'll pay you back. But the lord said unto me:
Girl you know damn well that motherfucker ain't going to give you any money. Remember when you needed money to park and he told you that you shouldn't have brought food to save money?? Yeah. He ain't gonna do shit. But don't worry baby girl. You know I got you ma
So I went home and as I sulked about. I went to get the mail and notice one of the letters I got was a check! It was only $15 but honestly I was so happy and appreciative! I went and cashed it. Brought some dinner and put gas in my car. Plus that night the server gave me free fries with my food too! I was so happy!
So happy to the point I decided I would break up with my boyfriend!
I love him and care about him a lot. And things weren't always rough. We were always fighting and at each other's necks. Things were great. But after this whole pregnancy ordeal and him acting like a complete ass. I can't deal anymore. He doesn't want to help me or be supportive or even check to see if I'm ok or not. But expects me to do all that for him and then some. I refuse to do that anymore.
So he texted me that night asking how my day went. I told him it was great. Then I asked if I could see him at some point when he got the time. He asked if it was something bad. Honestly I just wanted to talk about the break up. In person. So I asked what he meant by that. And he says:
"You might got a new friend and you trying to call it quits with me"
I told him for the millionth time that I didn't have another boyfriend. But I did want to break up. Which he didn't take too lightly and was upset. Basically tried to blame it all on me. But at the moment I didn't care. I'm tired. I don't want to fight and argue and wonder what importance I am in your life. Then on top of that to compete for love and affection. I expressed how I felt to him for the millionth time. The next morning he texted me and hoped that I would reconsider the break up. I did tell him I WOULD tough it out until the end of the month it come January we're thru.
I talked to him the other night and he was talking about us having dinner last night. But got mad when I wouldn't tell him how much I love him. Didn't hear from him or see him. Oh well.
I don't want to have to give him the cold shoulder and end something that could've had some potential in the silver linings. But I can't take the mistreatment any longer. I also don't want to raise a kid in that kind of environment. I don't want my daughter thinking men are suppose yell and tell her she's a horrible person and be unsupportive of her dreams and successes. I don't want my son thinking that's how you be a man: disrespect women, call her out your name, use her for money, sex and mere entertainment. No. I don't want my kid growing up and thinking that's how it's suppose to be. I want to raise a good person. Someone who will grow up in the world and make someone else's son/daughter not only proud but happy.
So we shall see how the rest of the month plays out. I won't take this as a negative thing. It was a lesson that brought blessings.
And I would do it all over again too.
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Sunday, November 20, 2016
It's been forever right??
I've missed you guys and dolls so much! You all don't know how many days I needed to talk to you well mostly vent. But couldn't since I was so busy.
So quick update!
I had to go check and hadn't realized I haven't posted something since August! Damn. Sorry about that. Around that time I had started a second job. So I was working 16hours a day. From 7am to 11pm. Honestly I was tired and exhausted. All just I can afford to live. How lame is that?
In the midst of all this I've been getting the runaround basically. On whether I'm pregnant or not. I got sick and was in and out of the hospital a lot. And the doctors told me yes I was pregnant. To no I'm not pregnant. Yo I have a yeast infection which is caused by my having to pee so much, which is caused by my backache which I hurt at work for heavy lifting (I work in a call center calling people or taking calls). Oh! And I've gained weight for over eating (didn't know one meal a day and a two snacks was over eating). But yet my tummy is growing. My clothes don't fit. And I never had a yeast infection.
But with all of that. My boyfriend of almost two years. Still feels it's not his, it wasn't him and he wants nothing to do with it. What's crazy he was here with me at my house for a whole month which is the same time I got pregnant so I couldn't cheat if I'm with you 24/7.... we worked together so yeah. I'll be honest I love him to death and he means the world to me. But it's like me getting pregnant has ruined everything—for him. It's like sir we're both grown and know what we getting ourselves into. Don't act like this is something new for you. Especially since he has 3 kids already. So not only has he been an ass about that issue. He's been very inconsistent, shady and just horrible to me. Like he did a full 360 on me with his personality. All I can think of if we did get married is this how you gonna act with me? Leaving and not telling me where you're going, little to no contact, I gotta keep asking you to do something for me or listen to you bitch or tell me it's not your responsibility. You're mad I'm pregnant. He even got mad when I got the second job saying I wasn't making enough time for him. Even mad now I got a new job. It's like what the fuck. I bust ass and do everything for him but I can't even get him to be considerate of me, my feelings or my needs. So I've reached the end of my rope where I care about him but I can't imagine being in this relationship another year. Especially if he's going to continue to keep things from me. And disrespect my child. Hell I haven't even met his kids. And he acts like he doesn't want me. Like I feel like he purposely keeps me out of his life. So I just can't anymore. I'm too tired to deal with the nonsense.
So between his bullshit, and the bullshit from both jobs. I was stressed beyond belief. Then my uncle died unexpectedly. And my aunt his wife turned into a real douchebag. Between not telling me how sick he was, how and when he died to not even giving me the correct info on his funeral. It was trying time believe you me.
But I decided to quit my morning job I had for a whole year. And in the midst of that I got offered for a job at the IRS. One I've been trying to get for years. And I couldn't be happier. It's a good job with good benefits and decent pays. And opens a VAST DOORS of opportunity for me. That's what I need. That's what my unborn child needs. I want to be in the position to take care of myself, my household and still provide a decent lifestyle with no issues or struggles. Which as my boyfriend says makes no sense. And it would've been best to stay at my other job. Yeah $9 an hour isn't going to help with my expenses. But $16 will. I need good benefits. If I'm able to get an even better job then that's a perfect start. Since he feels I don't have any responsibilities. That's cool. I still have a house, a car, two cats and a baby to care for. And whatever I do shouldn't matter since he's not helping me. Oh and to top it all off my second job I was working nights, forced me to quit because I got a new job and they were pissed.
Got a new job. That I love and happy to have. Regardless of what the doctors and hospitals say, I'm not getting karate kicked in the gut for nothing. I know there's something in there and I can feel it. And food cravings are a bitch. Why would I want bacon flavored broccoli covered in cheese mid day while learning about my new job??? Hell tonight I wanted a milkshake!! Last week I was on a shredded wheat kick—it's been a pain in my ass. My jeans don't fit. Even the ones I had for YEARS! I tried on my old scrubs pants. I had those when I was a serious fattie those are getting tight. So how is it that pants I wore last week or two weeks ago don't fit this week? My feet are swollen that I needed to buy new shoes. Lets not start on the break out going on with my face. Hell its 3am and I want to eat. But I had a big dinner. Plus my nails and hair have been growing like crazy! My hair is down to my shoulders it was super short 6 months ago! Well I will say, I hope for a little girl. That would be nice. But I'll also be happy with a boy. I do hope my baby is happy & healthy. And they know how much I truly love them. And I'm working hard to take care of us.
But now that I do have a new job! I do have extra time. I have been knitting a lot lately. I would like to make a blanket. Still figuring that one out. That means I will also have time to spend with you guys and dolls and my friends too! And I'm so excited. Even with my job that is seasonal. I'm permanent and will always have a job but I will have a life and be closer to home and can always get another job if needed and that's a plus!
So I'm alive and kicking and doing just find kids.
You'll be hearing more from me as well!
So stay tuned! I'll have plenty of stories to tell you.
Did I mention my hair is back to being burgundy?? Lol
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