Thursday, April 23, 2015

Just Before 30


I've found that reaching 30 in these next couple of years (literally) that people just automatically assumes things. Even more so than usual. 

So I thought I throw those misconceptions of single women approaching the BIG 3-0 and how society views us and forces us to adapt to an old tradionalism that is obsolete in living in the 22nd Century (yes I said 22nd century lol).



Don't ask me if I have kids and then rebound that with a "well when are you gonna have kids?" To a "you better hurry up you're not getting any younger!" Followed by a "you never know you might meet prince charming next week and have tons of kids soon" just no, just stop. 

Even though im (going to be) 28, I know I dont want kids. I wont say like all the other women that im not motherly enough or it never struck my fancy. I mean c'mon it was my dream at one time to be a mommy. But just like dreams changes, so do wants and desires. Compared to 18 year old me to I don't want kids. I've made up my mind and I know for sure I don't want kids. Its not based on things like age career or anything like that. I knew long time ago that I didn't want to start a family in my 30s (much less 40s). I didn't want to be like my parents. The were wonderful parents dont get me wrong, however when I came along they were old, boring, less active and strict and demanding. The older the they got the less they became able to do. Hell look at my situation now. I haven't had parents in two years. I still got many years to go without parents. A lot of people don't understand that has an affect to it all. Growing up it would suck because I didn't have a grandpa to bring into school or my grandma was too sick. I couldn't celebrate siblings day because I was an only child. All my cousins were old enough to be my parents. It sucked ass going to school. While everyone else's mom was teenie boppers or in their twenties and grandparents in their 40s. Here's my parents in their 50s on walkers and needing several naps just to function. I knew then I never wanted to go through that with my kids. Yeah living your own life is great and all but you can't be selfish and expect things to fall into place. I rather be old and experience new things, than to experience everything but can't really enjoy the older years to come. 

But since I've been adult and been thrusted into the new millenia dating scene. I can't see myself being the mother to a lousy man's children. And men are lousy. Say what you want. But there is no more dating or courting or getting to know someone. Its all about let me fuck you while you fuck me and we fuck each other until we're tired and move on to the next fucker. After awhile that gets old, plus there's diseases and pregnancy happens too. Things I dont want any part of. And why would I. I already dont like temporary happiness why would I want to be fucked over literally and left all the time?? With that being said I dont want to be a baby's mama. Unlike what people think, not every situation is meant to be good. No matter how positive or how much hope we have--if its not meant to be then its not. I dont want to be in a situation where im doing everything for a baby. I wont have a mom to babysit or a dad to pick snookums up from daycare, I wont have a sister or brother to help me out. I'd be doing it all. Honestly that's way too much and that would frustrate the fuck out of me. Knowing that can't take care of my baby to the fullest and having no support system makes its worst, but being stuck with a man who isn't all that interested in responsibility that would be pure hell. And im not putting myself into that situation. I dont want to be in that situation. Hell it was about to end up like that when I first got pregnant and I was shocked then. Now I would be mad as hell. So no I don't want kids. I wont change my mind. 



On to the next.... Marriage. I'm tired of hearing people telling me I need to get married. How any guy would be happy to be with me. No. Just no, just stop. If that was truly the case I wouldn't be single. I wouldn't have to deal with shitty ass dudes or have my heart ripped out, chewed up, spit out, stepped on and set on fire. But its not so much out of the loneliness crap. Since majority people believe that if you're single you're lonely as hell and desperate and depressed and longing for human contact. No we all aren't. But its this insulting assumption that I can't be a proper human being nor can I be considered a woman unless im married to a man. Being married isn't all its cracked up to be. It doesn't mean he'll take care of me or even provide for me. I still maybe on my own in a lot of things. I also don't want to be married. The thought of divorce disturbs me. I know it happens and can and even will happen. But why get married if you're gon a decide that one point many days, weeks, months or years that you don't want that person. No you knew that all along and was just entertaining yourself but wasting their time. Either way its not good. And since I know with my being bisexual having to pretend to be straight would bother me. I wouldn't want to limit myself to one person not saying I'll cheat, but I may want to have long term relationship with guy and I may even want to have one with a girl too. I just don't want marriage to be an issue. I dont want to be left, especially by someone who's indecisive. I rather be single or shack up maybe. Not everyone is desperate to be married before or after 30. Someone of us have set limits. We all don't want to be that one aunt waiting to get married and never do. Sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and accept that we're meant to be cat owners or dogs or fish or whatever lol. I function better as a cat lady. 



Just because a woman is single we're not all trying to be Carrie Bradshaw. We all don't live in New York, we all don't work a fabulous job and don't have more shoes than closet space. We definitely can't afford to travel either. I know working minimum wage I can barely pay for bills let along going out to have a drink or two or going on vacation somewhere. Priorities come into play, if you live alone like I do you know what I mean. For me there's no one to wake me up or do stuff for me. I have to do everything at my home, from paying bills to getting the trash out on time to even fighting off bugs, raccoons and rats. I have to do it all, because no ones gonna do it for me. My family has made that very clear. And most men that I do encounter even make that clear. Just because I own a house doesn't mean I wanted to do so. I rather be in an apartment, honestly. I took over my parents house because I didn't want to be homeless anymore or looking for a place for me and my cat to sleep at night. Was I making the best decision then?? Yeah I think so. Do I still think I made the best decision?? Not really. Its expensive to care for the house. Since its just me and I basically work every damn day, tending to home becomes more of an issue and chore for me. I know I can't do it by myself. But I also know I don't want someone in my home who doesn't know how to appreciate my situation either. So I've got to make it work. Which means busting my ass at my job or getting two jobs and not having time for "fun" because I got priorities. That's what adult life is really like. Its hard and difficult and there isn't always a cheat code. 


For record, we all don't love cooking. We all aren't trying to be the best chefs to impress some man. Some days I'm like fuck cooking, and I have chips, ice cream and soda for dinner. Its just me and since meals for one are tv dinners which are gross, making a meal GC means I have to be stuck with it for a week or two. In most cases majority of my meals are repeats because I want to cook something I know ill eat. Even though that gets old and I run out of foods to get excited about.  Its better than cooking meatloaf (as suggested by the aunties). I hate meatloaf and will never eat that unless i have to. I dont even wanna make it. It's gross to me. I have done different things that makes cooking more enjoyable but bottom line is I can't stand cooking. Its a pain in my ass. 


Next, please dont off your advice on our lives. We all are given our own and go about handling things our own way. If you don't like it,then tough cookie. Its not your say to tell us we need to find a man (or a woman) or how we need to pop out kids or tell us how our finances are the greatest because we dont have kids. We dont need that. We dont need to be re-raised and given messed up advice. Yes it is messed up. You're giving your outlook on the situation while being outside. If you were inside dealing with it you probably would do something completely different. A lot of people told me I shouldn't cut my hours at work. But im also tired of being garnished and working 80hours and only getting $400. And out of the $800 I get a month. I need $100 in transportation. My utilities come out to $450, cable is $150, my cell phone bill was $200, then I still have to purchase food for me and the pets which comes to $300 at least. I've already exceeded what make. But if I wasnt garnished I'd have an extra $200 each month. So even in the event of cutting back, I dont catch a ride home I walk, i cut my cellphone bill and even started shopping at the dollar store for food. But then also there are those random things that come up like taxes, refuge and renewal of my drivers license that you don't plan for that comes up. My taxes all together is about $1400 that's for the year. Unfortunately I didn't pay my school taxes because I was out of work and $700 right on the spot I a lot and I was out of work too. So now I have to figure out where to get $1700 from to pay for that. Then there are home expenses like my leaking roof that also needs to be tended to. Quite honestly its very overwhelming to handle all on your own believe me. So just because we dont have kids or a spouse to tend to doesn't mean we have it easier. Especially if you haven't live on your own for years or so. We can do without the lecturing. 


Honestly, I feel im in a better place heading into my 30s. It may not be where I wanted to be or expect to be. But im contented. Really, I'm excited to see 32 for some reason. I can't remember why exactly but I can't wait to find out why it was so special to me at one time. 



That's A Misconception


I think what's wrong in today's world is the fact that people don't have any regards to their fellow man or woman. They've turned into selfish people the whole while hoping that they get that neighborly love from others but in the mean time they treat you like shit. 


That seems to happen a lot in the work place and I don't understand that. Like don't expect an employee to be ok with staying at the bottom of the totem pole their entire life or when you no longer have use for them. My job is a prime example. 

Though I love working there besides the hard labor. I enjoy the people I work with and feel very comfortable. However I dont like just working minimum wage and being forced to stay there. Like im not trying to aim for management. But I do want something more. I dont like that my managers are petty. I dont like that the pay sucks. I dont like having to do 5 jobs but only get a paycheck for one job. Most places dont offer health insurance or raises or even promotions. My job does but it takes forever. What I especially dont like is the fact that there are people at my job who bust ass everyday and do great but it goes unrecognized and the admiration goes to the one kid who not only calls off or never shows but has an bad attitude and is either eventually going to quit or get fired. That's wrong. Or they fire the wrong people for the pettiest of reasons and that's just plain sad. 


However we as a people have evolved. We dont care as much if we get fired or lose a job. Well look for another one and in most cases we have a side hustle to make up for what the job lacks. But in this day and age you have to. One job wont cut it. Two doesn't even cut it. But things are costly and while those things are going up. The pay is going down but they expect you to survive without any assistance or handouts or help. But it doesn't work. It makes it hard for us to plan ahead for the future. 

But its like society has this thing where they want us to succeed but not pass a certain point. If we get too close to going over that point or make it over. There's always some wild ass disaster that happens. Whether its losing a job, garnishments, backed taxes or something that's so far out of our control that we can change or alter it at all. Its cruel and unusual behavior to be honest. But it seems the way life is set up. Maybe its a population control technique or a way to make sure the rich stay rich. Because there isn't any more middle class. There's poverty, poor and rich. No in between. Hell poverty is like two inches under poor. So to me its one in the same but to society its not. 


I'm surprised that in this day and age that the need for survival has become a controlled side show of the fittest but yet its still fixed and in the end you may never win or succeed or get out of a vicious circle you're being forced to participate in. Its ultimately sad really.

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