I know it's been awhile since you've last heard from me. Between dealing with work and the everyday pressures of being single. I swear I'd kill for a vacation from it all and to just be relieved for a moment you know??
But I decided to write this because several things have been irking me the last few weeks or so. To the point, I'm beyond frustrated. Like i'm at my wits end as to what to do to fix my life even to a more positive standing than where it is now.
Lately it seems like I've been getting more suitors than I can handle. Some are just weirdos expecting me to get super excited and lover-lusted just by them saying 'HI' to me. Which it don't work that way. I know that works for some of the whores of today but it doesn't work for everyone. But besides the jerks who sends me pictures of their cocks in my inbox like it's going out of style. I had one guy who's almost 20years my senior and is basically telling me that we're getting married and having kids. At first I humored him but then eventually told him I wasn't interested and wasn't attracted to him like that. Plus between the weird things like saying God told him to tell me that me and him are getting married, how I'll be the bestest stepmother to his 3 kids (one of which is a few years younger than me) as well as a good step-grandmother to his grandchildren, then how he wanted to cook and eat my pets...... Yeah I know right??
After that, I got fed up. I kept getting all these wild ass guys who basically telling me I don't have a choice or how I have to choose them or in some case GO TO WHERE THEY LIVE and be with them. No. I'm definitely not doing that, not only am I NOT looking for a man. I definitely don't need another one telling me I don't have a choice when it comes to picking a somewhat suitable mate. I rather not be bothered. Not that I'm super man hater, but why do I want to waste my time with a guy who can't even be understanding that I work and don't have time to fool around or have "fun" like he does?? One guy got mad because I don't know what time I get home in the evenings. Well it's rarely the same time. No I don't know because it doesn't matter in most cases when I finally get home I'm not leaving or going anywhere until the next morning if I work. But the funny thing with him, he can't talk to me past 9pm but he wants to come over to my house around 9pm to "hang out" with me. Lately they've all been telling me what I need and how they can give me this world of happiness and great sex. I'm like dude no. What I need is my bills paid, and my house fixed up to a better condition it is now. Your probably lousy sex and bullshit laced happiness isn't going to cut it for me. But yet I'm the bad guy or I'm wrong for not giving guys a chance. But I'm confused I'm not out there looking a dude. I don't have a need for one in my life. Shit I can't even make some arrangements to find a temporary space for one. And I'm definitely not going from dude to dude to keep that blissful lust ongoing. Don't have time for that. I'm not interested.
One thing that's really pissed me off is these dudes inviting themselves over for dinner. I can barely support myself and buy food for myself. Why am I going to cook and have you waste food?? If you haven't brought groceries then I'm not cooking for you or feeding you. I just think that's so rude for a guy to do that. Don't assume you're going to get a free meal off of someone. Yes it's nice to know if someone can cook or not. But you can't base a decision off of one ideal or good trait. That's like me being happy with a man who works, but doesn't provide or share expenses. I cook because I have to, not because I want to be this awesome chef and provide these awesome meals for a man later down the road. No I cook as a way of survival. No I'm not sharing because in most cases I had to fight to get my food stamps, struggle to get to the grocery store and struggle to get those groceries home and then struggle to make something that'll last me for days or even a week or two. Like get the hell out of here with that nonsense. I'm not your mom and I don't have to prove to you if I'm a good care giver or not especially if you aren't my husband, my child or my main squeeze. But lately men have gotten unbelievably rude.
Which then leads us to the whole why society seems to find it hard that I'm single. So many men would be happy to have me and how pretty I am and how I'm a hard worker. When I say I dunno or how I'm not interested then I have to get lectured on how I can't be a functioning human being without a man whose shadow I can gracefully walk in. It's like no that's ok I don't need a man. Then comes the whole well how are you planning on having kids ordeal. I'm not, I don't want kids. I don't want to be in the position where I would end up a single mother. Then comes you don't know that you might meet Prince Charming and he'll be ever so happy to have you nonsense. I'm like look with the way I attract the lousiest of guys, I doubt that'll happen. I'll be damned if I'mma be on my own raising a kid and doing and being everywhere without any help of whatsoever. Yeah that's a road I want to avoid at all costs. I don't want my own family, It's more of a burden to me now than it being a luxury when I was younger and wanted the husband and house full of kids.
But what's ironic, I remember years ago men wouldn't want nothing to do with a girl if she wasn't working or didn't have her own place. Now that I have those things, they act like I'm too independent and I need to turn it down several notches. But why? Why do I need to be dependent?? Especially on someone whom I'm not totally sure will be there for me when I really need them. I think that's why I'm so comfortable living and being on my own.
Yeah being a Singleton and living alone has it's perks and you can do what you want when you want and with whom and whatever else your little heart desires. But there are moments where I'll admit it's really fucked up to be on your own. Especially for those of you like me who were an only child, parents are gone or decease, family is just people you know of--literally, and the only friends you have either live too far away or are busy with their own goings on. So yeah most people paint this ideal apartment life and how cafes and corner stores and bookstores embrace this cute apartment you live in and how you can wave your arm or snap your fingers and the golden taxi takes you wherever you need to go. Unfortunately that's not the case for some people.
I decided to live on my own because I didn't like living with other people, the crazed rules. Being home for dinner at a certain time, curfew, laundry day, no pets allowed, you can't do this and you can't do that. OH MY GAWD I'm damn near 30 and here I am being treated like a 13 year old. I couldn't stand it. Taking on a house by yourself is a lot different from apartment life. I had faith I could it on my own but I realize now (two years later) that I can't do it all by myself. I tried getting a roommate but after having the tenants destroy my house that is a no go for me. But bills are costlier. Hell my electric bill is more than my paycheck in a two week period! All my bills were extremely high this year and that was with costs going up. With me being garnished at work for my student loans, not only do I have a smaller paycheck, but trying to divide a little over $800 a month over everything that costs $200 each. I can't do it. I've lost my mind trying to make this work for the last 3 months and it's not working. I'm tired of busting my ass 40 hours each week and bringing home less than part time pay. If I miss a day of work I'm screwed. So I'm at this dead end like what the fuck am I suppose to do?? I have no one to depend upon--no one. Trust me it's no picnic. I've been trying to get home from government programs but since I'm not a single MOM, and I'm not a BUM by choice so I cant get any type of help of whatsoever.
It's like I've entered the ugliest nightmare ever and people keep telling me the only way out is hard work, determination and faith. But it seems when I do all those things I keep getting dragged back into the darkness. I'm ready to sell the house and wing it. I'm just tired I guess. Tired of everything being weighed in on me. I don't have the option to have someone to depend upon or to make phone calls or to handle business when I can barely function with everyday life due to overworking myself. I don't have someone to call when my bills get behind or I'm struggling to buy food. I'm on my own, for everything, for anything.....forever.
Here I sit with a jacked up knee. I fell on sunday and scraped my knee really bad. Also scraped up my hand and my toe and even sprained my ankle too. No matter how many calls I made to clinics today to see if someone would see me, I got turned down. The better clinics are too far to walk with my messed up knee. That's the messed up part about living utterly alone. It's all fine and dandy until you get sick or need some serious help. But i knew that ahead of time when I decided I would pursue life on my own. I just assumed that I could handle it all, not because I felt like some goddess or super woman. I was comparing it to my single life I had in college. While college wasn't super efficient, it was a more attainable lifestyle. The grocery stores were around the corner or a taxi ride away. In some cases we were spoiled to have a cleaning crew come and clean the rooms and bathroom and so on and so forth. And bills that occurred every month was nothing more than a cellphone bill. It was highly different. I've noticed with trying to figure out what the hell was wrong in the world currently. It began to make sense when I finally researched it. Majority of singletons my age are in apartments and if shit hits the fan they call on their support system to dig them out of the hole or prevent them from drowning. Me I don't have that. If I fuck up with my bills even for a month I'm screwed. Now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay my property and school taxes, if I'll have enough money to renew my license. But what worries me the most if I should happen get deathly ill or god forbid die, who's going to think to even try to see if I'm ok or not. I'm prepared with the thought that it could happen, but it would suck that months after I've died and my cats too probably and someone's like OH HEY IS YOU OK OR NAH?? Most people that call in to "check in on me" basically call me like I got all the resourses in the world. They tell me they saw a car on sale for $5000 out in some godforsaken land that they happen to drive by (but can't come get me to see it or get it if I had the money because that's not their problem) or how I should do this or do this or go here, there and everywhere like I have a car to get to this places and majority of the buses once you get off the bus line you need to be ok with walking 15 minutes or more to the next location. Or they wanna tell me if you do this with you bills or get a roommate or get a better job or jump over the moon backwards while counting the alphabet in pig latin. But when I ask well can you help me out, then I have to hear all the excuses of how they cant or won't but have enough audacity to brag to me about all the people they've helped like they're the saints of all saints.
Things like that pisses me off, you have so much say in everything I do but won't help out at all. But then throw it in my face like you wanted to live alone and be an adult so figure it out on your own, but if you get a man then it wouldn't be a problem. Like he's gonna help me out seriously?? Yeah, there's a reason I decided to live on my own, I learned that people are so damn unreliable and I end up doing stuff on my own regardless. Of course after I struggle to get through the task at hand, I always get that oh you should've called me I would've helped you out. Yeah, sure you would.
Bottom line, being and livin single is remarkable. You learn a lot and grow up real fast and fine out what's more important in life and to you and to your personal well being. However if you have a terrible or no support system, then the entire burden is upon your shoulders and you fuck and trip or waver, you will be crushed by all that you're carrying. Then you'll know how it truly feels to be alone. Honestly if you can't handle that, then you're best living with someone. Otherwise if you can handle it, be prepared to turn into a cold heartless, evil ass bitch/bastard.