Monday, June 30, 2014

Filtered Heartache

Even though in my current situation I'm trying to make things work and find a job or at least find some ways of making money so I can at least take care of myself and the kittens. But it's been very hard. 

There are many times I've doubted myself, many times I wanted to kick myself for something I've done or something I should've/could've/would've done. In the end I keep telling myself, keep reminding myself that through all this pain, through this unbearable struggle—have faith that it'll work out. I'm beyond frustrated. I'm broke. With the little but I do have I have to wonder should I save it for bills?? 

But I think the worst part of it all is trying to explain to my kids that we don't have. They're cats, they understand very little. But to tell them no you can't eat so fast, no you can't drink so much is hard. It's actually heartbreaking to say the least. I worry about them more than anything else. I want us to stay together and still be a family. I want them to be able to have food and the necessities they need. But I'm doubting myself as to if I can really do this. I'm deciding what's more important cat food or cat litter?? How can I afford both?? Then I even have to wonder, should I send my kids to the shelter? Or maybe give them to a family or families that can afford them?? Even though I know that's the best thing for them probably. I always say no…only because I know they wouldn't be happy. 

Then I try to ration out their food so we can save and have enough. 

Honestly I hadn't planned on filling up their bowl. But the look on the faces and the gentle strokes on my knees made me cave and fill their bowl. Of course they were happy. But I felt indifferent. Only because I have to ration and make one bag last for months instead of weeks. But then I felt so awful denying them food, even as I write this I feel like curling up into a ball and crying about it. Because I see myself as being a horrible person. I can't take care of myself, I have to deny my cats food to save money and I'm falling apart as life goes on. 

I sit here and think I have no right owning them. Even rationing myself to one meal a day is hard. Doing that to them is even harder. But then I think, what else is there I can do?? 

My luck in finding a job is shitty, I have little to no help or support and I'm basically stuck. 

It breaks my heart I have to treat my kids so bad because we don't have. And honestly.…I don't think things will get much better. 

This time I'm falling apart from the inside out.


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