Monday, May 5, 2014

Is It Really Worth It...??

In the midst of not enjoying May so farr. Not only did it begin on a rocky start but it's been slowly going down hill at a steady speed limit kind of pace. At the moment, I'm at a lost. I need guidance, I want guidance and I have no idea how to get it.

After my paycheck being shorter than I expected which really put a damper on my plans. Not so much personal entertainment but I had planned on saving some of this pay check so I can have enough to pay for my taxes and car insurance and hopefully get my car fixed. No such luck. Just paying two utilities I ended up broke and negative. I had to sell something just to bring my bank account positive. In the process I've been applying to jobs like crazy because I'm not sure if I'll be able to get unemployment, let alone be guaranteed a job next school term. I can't wait to see what happens and then end up with nothing in the end. But no what I kept telling myself it'll all work out for the better.

However just sitting here at home, because I have to preserve gas to go to work. I can't help but feel very inadequate. I feel like I'm busting my ass to work and make a living and in the end I'm still coming out poorer than I already was. I don't want to work 10 jobs just to pay for utilities which aren't that expensive but because Pittsburgh refuses to raise the minimum wage and gas has gone up to almost $4 it makes earning a living hard and frustrating.  The worst part about all this is the fact I'm working so hard and I don't even know why. When I take time to think about why exactly I'm doing this....I come up with nothing and I'm baffled. When I look at other people in their situations, most are working for a dream they never want to see die that they have a passion that this dream will live. Others have families they're working hard to support and bring a better life to and the rest have lovers who they want to impress and build a life with. I don't have any of those thing and probably never will....

So I'm wondering if all this hard work I'm doing is really worth it or should I forego it all and move to another state and try to make things work the best way I can there?? But even though I know in my heart that's something I would rather want to do....I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I step back out there that I'll end up in another hole deeper than the one I'm already in. But I'm trying my damnedest to climb out because I want to be out and I want to be free and see what's above.....But the risk hurts knowing that it may not be what I want and that's what I hate the most.

I don't like being hurt, alone and left with nothing. I honestly don't think my heart could take another breaking and beating and I still survive.

I get that all this difficulty and working hard is suppose to make me come out a better person, but in the end I have to wonder.......for what?? To still end up alone, unhappy and working hard just to live??

What's even more frustrating thing is I want to cry so bad, but I also know my sobs will forever go uncomforted....


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