Wednesday, May 28, 2014

"Finally Free"

"Finally Free"

For the clouds to be lifted, 
I can finally see the vision that's in front of me
—No bullshit
Asphidity free, I plan to
Live for the Moment
Let it embrace

Feeling the
Exhale blissfully and live for an

Living Solutions

Sometimes in life when we know it's not working but yet we try to make it work only because that out natural survival instincts—we find when it finally falls apart, it's not the end of the world persé it's actually the relief we've been dying for. Whether it's losing a friend or loved one, falling out with someone you never thought you would, losing a job or being forced out of comfort zone into the unknown. It seems bad at first but sometimes it's for the better. 

As May comes to a close this has been by far the most eventful month in my life so far. My birthday sucked as it normally did. I panicked at the fear of not being able to take care of myself financial because my job at the school bus company was lousy and my paychecks kept getting smaller and smaller. I ended up succumbing to those get rich quick scams and schemes. And got all caught up—very stupid indeed. But desperation drove me to it. I tried selling everything I could find that holds value just to get something. I was frustrated, loss and stressed and to top it all off I made myself sick and I didn't like it. 

So I was given my relief. I lost my job. Got fired so to speak or as they put it "let go." But you know what I didn't care. I was being force to find another job anyway. So that just means there's got to be something better out there for me. If I have to spam the shit out of the employment world then I will do so. In the mean time I'll hustle the best way I know how. 

Yeah I was mad and pissed to find out I was fired. But I'm blissful. Because I now have the time to get my life in order and get my home in order and start over again. I may not like starting again from the beginning, but I'm a little smarter and wiser this trip and hopefully whatever stumbles I come across I'll be able to overcome them. 

What people don't understand, when you're alone to begin with, you do everything on your own. You make sure you're independent enough to deal. I don't have the supportive network of family and friends, or doting parents to fall back on, or even the job experience as everyone else—but I know how to survive. I will do whatever it takes to make money and get what I need. Even if that means sacrificing everything with the hope and faith of making it I'm fin to do it. No regrets and no second thoughts. 

Things, financially suck ass. But I'm willing to do whatever to get out of the tut I'm in and start anew. 

This may be a problem. But on a simple twist of fate it's also a solution. 

And this time around, this rabbit won't be backing down. 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Want A Free Quote On Car or Home Insurance??

Hi there!

I know you're not for the bullshit. So I won't give it to you. But please read this entirely before you scurry away, please and thank you!

If you're looking for or are in need of car, renters, home or even life insurance then you've stumbled upon the right place. 

Dan Rowe works for Farmers insurance (based in Pittsburgh, PA) and he's a really cool guy if I do say so myself. 

And he's giving free quotes. I shit you not, he's giving FREE QUOTES. Because he wants to help you save money if he can. But there's a catch, yes yes simmer down—you have to mention my name. Yes that's it. To get that free insurance quote on your home/rent/car/life insurance just mention my name. 

No matter the time or day send him an email or give him a call and let him know you know LéSans (la son) Ramsey and you're good to go sport. No bullshit or nothing it's just that simple and easy. 

So go check it out:

Don't forget to mention my name: LéSans Ramsey!! 

Daniel Rowe III 
Farmers Insurance 
425 Pittsburgh St
Springdale, PA 15144-1454 
724-274-7100 (Office) 
724-274-7104 (Fax) 

Definitely share this with all your friends too!

Friday, May 23, 2014

The American Life

You want to know what American life is like??

They tell us how beautiful and wonderful life is. That everyday is a good day and we collect people and memories that last a life time and will always comfort our hearts, make us happy and engulf us in this protective bubble of security and blissfulness. The way to get this Happy Life is to go into this room and view this hypothetical door. Everything we've ever dreamed of or wanted is outside this "door" and all we have to do is open it and go to it. It's just that simple. No bullshit, no problems--just turn the knob, open the door and skip your silly ass into a paradisaical dreamland.

However, once you finally get into this room, to get to your door. And it's the only door in this dark room. And at some point you will question how the fuck you got into this room in the first place.But you find out that someone's blocking the door, on the other side of the door is another person holding or blocking it shut. It has 8999 locks on the side you can see, one lock on the other side. The guy in front of you has the key to open the one solitary lock on otherside, while the person on the otherside has the 8999 keys you need to get the door open from the side you can see. Now you're standing there trying to recall in all of these fantastical stories you heard about how great and awesome Life is, if there were keys or road blocks and bullshit involved. You wonder if you didn't hear something correctly or even if you heard what you wanted to hear (all the good stuff) and blocked out the bad. I'm hear to tell you, you heard right and it wasn't that you missed all the bad things--they were never disclosed in the first place. But they expect you to known that the door was lock even though they're telling you all you got to do is open it and that's it.

To top it all off you have someone bitching at you about how you're not applying yourself or trying to open the door. Or how you have to persuade or kiss the people's (who's blocking the door) asses to get in and in the end it doesn't really matter they're going to say NO anyway because they can. Yet they continue to bitch, you get people who say they know how you feel when they really don't, or others telling you how you should feel. Or how you're being overly dramatic or a Debbie/Davey Downer because you're sooo fucking negative. Well shit bitch, You can say that because you're on the other side and you only like 5 locks and two dumbass blocking your door so doing whatever got them to move. I'm not in the same predicament or situation. But that's what american life is like. Some are harsher than others, and it seems the people who are complete lazy assholes get whatever they want I guess because they're cute or some crazy shit like that. I dunno.

But what disturbs me the most is the fact, that I feel in my heart....this I know--that when I finally get that door open, I'll just be in another room similiar to that of an unused attic in someone's house. Another empty room. The door will slam shut and I'll be back where I started again. But I'm so disgusted with life, and people making excuses and telling me bullshit to make me feel better when it really doesn't, is not something I want to endure another 25 to 50 years. I rather be dead, I'm better off dead, and I won't be losing anything if I did die. I'm beyond frustrated, I'm sick and I'm tired. I'm especially tired of trying to make this work and find a steady job especially since the employers know I need it, otherwise I wouldn't be looking for it. I'm not looking for the family life or party girl life. I just want to go to work, make well over enough to pay my bills and expenses and that's it. Maybe some occasional traveling or something but that's all I want. But apparently I'm asking for way too much....So in the meantime I'll patiently wait until death calls my name.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Horse Race pt. 1


Life to me is like a Horse Race. If you ever been to the horse races you know what I'm talking about. If not, you go to a place you pick your horse you want to bet on and watch the race to see if your horse won or not. I used to go to the horse races a lot when I was a kid. 

Anyway I feel like the only difference is the feel that I'm obligated to finish at the finish line with a defective horse. In most case they pull an injured horse or one who isn't performing to standards. But not in the Life race, it's like they make you keep that horse but determine your overall performance on your horse. 

So here I am on my pony, and when the race first began me and my pony was moving fast. Keeping up, neck-to-neck with the other competitors. It all was fine. Then one day my pony stops dead in his tracks and I'm like what the hell is going on?? But now my pony just moves one foot one at a time and takes it time and seems quite contented. At first it was a shock and I'm beckoning it to move faster. Sweet talks and treats aren't working. I decided to leave it be and hope it changes it's mind and moves like he used to. As the race drags on and I see people pass my by, the officials of life are screaming at me how I need to get a move on it and get going. I tell them it's not me it's the horse. They respond, your horse your problem, you should've known he would do this one day. How am I suppose to know anything?? So then other riders come to me and tell me different methods on how to make my pony go. I'm like ok, this should work. Unfortunately some methods were to mock me and the pony. Others like whipping him, pushing him, pulling him, detouring his route—and nothing worked. No matter how many times I've tried these methods to make the pony go, I still got officials hollering at me and riders telling me how I'm going to miss out on this and miss out on that. It's beyond frustrating. 

As this race progress, everyone is leveling up and getting rewards and trinkets galore. Here's me and my pony barely making it. It seems each step my pony takes, the farther away the finish line gets, the more frustrated I am—I'm unhappy. Then just when I think my pony decides to make a run for it, it's just a skip or a jump and he always fall down and the I have to help him up and listen to officials tell me how I'm wasting time. Everyday I try to get my pony to move faster. I try every single method over and over in different sequences to see what'll make the pony move. He won't move any faster than he's going now. 

After this last interruption by the officials telling me how I'm not applying myself, I need to grow up, how I need to stop crying and play the victim—I'm done. Either disqualify me, since I haven't reached any of my goals or done the things I wanted to do. What's the point to continuing the race?? Why do I need to go to the finish line, huh??? They've already given out the good prizes, rewards and stuff. I don't want to be known as the girl who came last and is a failure—regardless knowing that I am. I'm tired and I would feel better on the side lines. But then another rider happens to come up next me and say, maybe your problem isn't the race so much but the horse you're stuck with. I had considered that but I always reconsidered because I didn't want to leave my pony, we've been through hell and I stuck by its side the entire time. I'll do whatever I can for my pony because I have a love, a bond, a story with this pony. How could I leave it???

As me and the pony trot on. I decide to get down and look at my poor pony. Who has dead cold eyes, looks like it's unhappy and in pain. It breaks my heart because I don't know what to do. I've sacrificed so much for this pony and it won't even stand by my side when I need him most. So I decide to stand there in the pony's way. Not only did he stop but for the first time I felt like he acknowledge me. I pat his head and tell him we can do this if we work together. I climb back on and he won't move. He refuses to move. Honestly, I'm fed up. As we sat there for days. The officials say how I'm not doing all that I need to, to be the best I can be. I keep yelling back I'm trying my best, I can't exceed my expectations, my limits—I can't be a fish and be expected to survive out of water and climb a fucking tree too. I decide to get off my pony. 

I run back to the stables where all the ponies are kept. I pick one, not looking to see if we're compatable or not or if our paths are meant to cross. It doesn't matter. As I get the horse sattled and ready for the race. The officials are telling me how I can't and how I shouldn't because this isn't right, this isn't how life works. I have no right taking another pony knowing my pony is out there still in the race. I repetitively tell myself but that pony is broken, not working and I can't stand it. I refuse to stand this. I refuse to watch everyone be happy while I'm miserable. I understand everyone has had problems, and rift with their horses. But none had to sit on a horse who refuses to move and watch everyone else's life play out. 

Unfortunately I end up with a disagreement with the new horse. He doesn't want to be sattled or rode. He's independent, wild and free. So I allow it. I decide maybe I need a change too. I get rid of the formal outfit and let me hair be wild as free as this pony's heart and soul. As I climb on top we head to the starting line. He's restless and I love it. I don't know what to expect with this one. In one sense it's refreshing. With my favorite pony I knew what to expect. Unfortunately I made my expectations too high and the pony disappointed me. 

As I regain my focus and clear my mind. I hear someone say something. I look over and there's the rider from before. The one who told me my horse maybe defective. I'm shocked to see him again and ask why he's back at the starting line?? He looked to be doing so well. He said sometimes you got to keep starting and going over what was wrong to make it right and end up at the finish line in the correct manner—not the fast way. For the first time that made the most sense ever. Before when I wanted to start over, it was wrong—a taboo. Something that shouldn't be done and I was told no you can't, you shouldn't. As I look at this rider who has this fiery determination in his eye. I decide to set myself up. I'm taking this risk. If I fail this time around, I'm coming back to the starting line and make this work. 

As the gates click and clink. My horse plant his feet and as the bang goes off me and my new pony set off. I may be running into a disastrous situation or I may get exactly what I've always wanted. Either way I'm excited to find out. So far me and the pony are doing great. 

But I do know one thing, if I get past my old pony, and make it—whenever that may be—I'm coming back for my old pony. I refuse to sit back and watch it feel less than it need it to be. For now that has to wait. This race of life isn't going anywhere anytime soon, I need find what it is that'll make me happy find out if my original thought of being purposeless is true or not. My curiosity is insatiable and I need to satisfy it.....



Sunday, May 11, 2014

Happy Mother's Day

I just wanted to wish all the good Mommies and Daddies out there a Happy Mother's Day. You work hard, you get up everyday to get your munchkins ready for their day, you go overboard and do 20 jobs and get nothing but a card and maybe a cute trinklet of some sort. However I salute you, because when you decided to be a mommy/daddy or got toss the torch of responsibility by accident. You didn't go all selfish whore and continue doing what you wanted to do, you know that little person needs you and that you've got to do whatever you can to make their lives plentiful, exciting and amazing. So good job, you've earned this day off.

As for you deadbeats, you should be ashamed of yourself. All you do is think about you, yourself and you. Having a baby isn't a novelty and no you shouldn't treat it like it's the worst thing ever. You know babies come from sex, you don't want kids you need to reconsider throwing your pussy and cock out so generously to the whole neighborhood. You people sicken me.

In the mean time, this is my first mother's day without my mom so adjusting to all this is still a process. I understand and it's kind of bittersweet but then I realize that oh my goodness can't do that—divert attention immediately. However it's not all for naught thought, because even though my kids don't know a thing about Mother's Day they'll make it worth it. Even if people say they're just your pet, in your opinion yes. In my opinion no they're my kids. They greet me at the door, give me hugs and kisses and they're afraid to lose me. If that's not love then I don't know what is. So since it's supposed to be a special day, I might give them a nice treat tomorrow.

To the rest of you, cherish your mama she won't be here forever and might not make out the rest of the year. So appreciate it, even if it seems like a pain in the ass. It'll be worth it and you'll be happy in the end to have a relieved train of thought.

So Happy Mother's Day to everyone near and far and enjoy the day!!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

A Dirty Salad


The Miley Cyrus Effect

So since friggin Easter made my paycheck so flipping short I've been spending the last few days lookin for another job or a few more jobs in anyway or form. Because I need the extra money plus I want to be able to start saving and get to my new goal faster.

Anyway, since I can't get a normal job because everyone in the world is so fucking particular about who they hire and what qualifications they posses and all this other cockamamie bullshit. I go on lesser know job search engines as well as do a lot with craigslist to find gigs or little odd jobs to do to get a little but of money. I came across this one gig looking for a hair model and how they were going to pay whoever was interested anywhere between $100-200. So I'm like this will work out just great! My hair is a little longer than Miley's but I don't might cutting more off to gain some cash you know?  

I contacted the person and let them know that my hair was very similar to Miley's but a bit longer. So they said well can you send us pictures of your current hairstyle?? I said yes and sent about 3-4 pictures. It took them a day to get back to me and told me my hair was too short. 

Um. Whoa. Last time I saw Miley she has really short hair. My sides and back might be short but my top is almost long enough for a paintbrush pony tail. Honestly I don't think it was about my hair being black, I think it was because I wasn't white. Which I think is rude. You didn't specify and if I already told you it's already short I don't understand what else could've been the problem or why exactly there was an issue. I was slightly offended but I was more pissed than anything. 

Reminded me of a time I tried to be a hair model when my hair finally grew out. The people wanted someone with shoulder length hair. But because I was black and fat that was a no go. 

But what's funny it's Craigslist. You have no right to be so damn particular about what kind of employee or help you're looking for. They want College Professionals but don't want to pay the $100 (or whatever the price is) a month few for monster or career builder. Like get the fuck out of here! 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Is It Really Worth It...??

In the midst of not enjoying May so farr. Not only did it begin on a rocky start but it's been slowly going down hill at a steady speed limit kind of pace. At the moment, I'm at a lost. I need guidance, I want guidance and I have no idea how to get it.

After my paycheck being shorter than I expected which really put a damper on my plans. Not so much personal entertainment but I had planned on saving some of this pay check so I can have enough to pay for my taxes and car insurance and hopefully get my car fixed. No such luck. Just paying two utilities I ended up broke and negative. I had to sell something just to bring my bank account positive. In the process I've been applying to jobs like crazy because I'm not sure if I'll be able to get unemployment, let alone be guaranteed a job next school term. I can't wait to see what happens and then end up with nothing in the end. But no what I kept telling myself it'll all work out for the better.

However just sitting here at home, because I have to preserve gas to go to work. I can't help but feel very inadequate. I feel like I'm busting my ass to work and make a living and in the end I'm still coming out poorer than I already was. I don't want to work 10 jobs just to pay for utilities which aren't that expensive but because Pittsburgh refuses to raise the minimum wage and gas has gone up to almost $4 it makes earning a living hard and frustrating.  The worst part about all this is the fact I'm working so hard and I don't even know why. When I take time to think about why exactly I'm doing this....I come up with nothing and I'm baffled. When I look at other people in their situations, most are working for a dream they never want to see die that they have a passion that this dream will live. Others have families they're working hard to support and bring a better life to and the rest have lovers who they want to impress and build a life with. I don't have any of those thing and probably never will....

So I'm wondering if all this hard work I'm doing is really worth it or should I forego it all and move to another state and try to make things work the best way I can there?? But even though I know in my heart that's something I would rather want to do....I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I step back out there that I'll end up in another hole deeper than the one I'm already in. But I'm trying my damnedest to climb out because I want to be out and I want to be free and see what's above.....But the risk hurts knowing that it may not be what I want and that's what I hate the most.

I don't like being hurt, alone and left with nothing. I honestly don't think my heart could take another breaking and beating and I still survive.

I get that all this difficulty and working hard is suppose to make me come out a better person, but in the end I have to wonder.......for what?? To still end up alone, unhappy and working hard just to live??

What's even more frustrating thing is I want to cry so bad, but I also know my sobs will forever go uncomforted....
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