Tuesday, April 29, 2014


So I wanted to post this last week (this was written May 6th) but it's the thought that counts.

Anyway TOMS was sponsoring this global outreach about awareness of misfortunate kids on April 29th, 2014. 

Usually I don't participate in these things because they're over exposed and just not true to the cause just for the success, reputation and such. It's no longer about the cause, it's about getting attention you know?? However when I googled to get more information on it I found little to no information. Honestly I was absolutely shocked by that because most humanitarians would jump on it like a lion stalking it's prey!!

Because I only found out about the day of (via Journeys), I would've definitely shared it. Then I wondered if this was a yearly thing or just pops up randomly. For the first I actually got excited about another cause. The first one was when I was in high school and that was the March of Dimes. 

Anyway A Day Without Shoes is where you go barefoot to raise awareness that there are others in the world who aren't privileged to have shoes. As well as being to the worlds attention that children aren't getting an adequate education nor receiving the proper care to be healthy either. I mean how awesome is that?? Believe it or not this cause is 7 years old!! And I'm like why isn't this receiving attention?? 

So I participated and went to my job barefoot that afternoon. Honestly even though it wasn't a HUGE impact, I felt like I had done something great and I felt good doing it too. 

Now that I've participated. Honestly I want to do this every year. And I plan on making a big deal about this just like I do with my Condom Week celebration.

Monday, April 28, 2014

A Hypocritical Loyalist

So last night whilst I was browsing the Social Networks before finally going to bed. I came across a few somethings that disturbed me and not in a good way. Like an annoyed kind of way and what I didn't like about it was that it bothered me in the first place. However I couldn't just let it NOT bother me. How fucked up is that?? 

So my ex is apparently married so she says. I dunno. I had to really wonder how is that possible?? She's unfaithful as hell. Even though she's been with her "husband" for 10 years she's cheated on him and even cheated with him on the previous boyfriend!! But I find it funny as hell that all of sudden you're ever so faithful and loyal. And she throws that out like she needs to constantly justify her position. Then I'm thinking when we were hooked up and I understood the situation I was in and I'm over what happened but I had to be the loyal one but she can do whatever the fuck she wanted to do. What type of shit is that?? 

Then I moved on to something else and this guy I was talking to, who I was Leary of to begin with finally came clean. Took him about 5 months though. I started talking to him and I was instantly turned off when he said I was weird I didn't smoke marijuana, he got excited I had my own place and wanted to come visit me and then his half assed approach. Like don't tell me you like me and then never talk to me. What I dislike the most was the fact he treated me like a side chick to begin with and knew instantly this isn't something I want to deal with. However I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and I personally couldn't see myself with him. Then I was over it when his baby mama added me on Facebook. Oh it all make sense why you gotta come see me at 2am and shit. 

Anyway for the last couple weeks he had been arguing with me. I'm like what's up with you. Apparently it's my fault because I keep playing him. I'm like dude you don't even text me back nor call me or want to do shit. He's like come visit me, can I have your address?? He's like I'll give it to when you're coming. How the fuck am I gonna come some place I don't have a location or address for?? So anyway he posted on Facebook about how he can't wait for his son to be born. I'm like who's having a baby?? Not only did he delete my comment but he private messages me and ask me what am I talking about. When I asked him if he had kids when we first started talking he told me that he didn't have any kids and he was single. He says last week or so when we had this conversation that he told me he had a son on the way and I'm like no you didn't. Because if you did you wouldn't be talking to me. I immediately write guys with kids off because I don't like the drama that comes along with the baggage. So he's like I don't know why you got an attitude anyway we're not fucking around and blah blah blah. That's besides the point. Then out the same breath he's like I still want you. I don't think you really do and he's like yeah I do. I ask him are you sure? He said yeah. Well how do I know you're sure?? He said I don't. My point exactly. Then says I knew he was having baby by all the stuff he's been posting. I'm like one I don't stalk other peoples Facebooks and two if I see your posts on my newsfeed it's either about getting high or some sexual something or other. He didn't deny it because he knows that shits true. 

Here's the best part! He has the audacity to say to me that it's up to me if me and him going to be together or not. No it's not. His baby mama is due either last month or this month. I'm not about to be put on the back burner and you got daddy responsibilities. I'll be damned if I'mma be stressing over a little girl who's still hung up on you. That's shit. After him fucking up my night, I'm like whatever I'm going to bed. Haven't talked to him since. He did stalk my Facebook for a moment the other day. 

But the Pittsburgh men don't want to claim their kids and only do so as a novelty accessory and it's sickening. You knew you knocked her up but because you don't want to deal with it head on you going to put it to the side and then move on to the next chick like that's going to solve your problems. No that's just fucking more shit up and getting peoples' feelings involved and eventually hurt. 

But my feelings were hurt and I was offended that he wants to tell me how indecisive I am and how I don't know what I want when he's screaming loyalty but you ain't even fucking telling the truth what the hell?!

I don't get it. It's like the most unfaithful people are always talking about loyalty and how they want someone to spend the rest of their lives with but that can't even decide on if they like a person or want to put forth the effort to actually make a relationship of some sort work or or not. It baffles the shit out of me. What trips me out is the fact that Pittsburgh is full of these people. I understand that I may have to move to be expose to more mentally mature people. But in my current situation I'm stuck here and these are the people I'm exposed to. It's like how do you even build a friendship with people who don't want to have a friendship of any sort. Who lie or feel threaten or men who just want to fuck you at 2am and bounce and call you next month when it's your turn again. It's ridiculous. It's always drove me up a wall. 

The best part is that they get mad when you call them on their bullshit and say I don't want to fuck with you and your bullshit—stay the fuck away from me. Oh, oh then I'm being difficult or wrong or all this cockamamie bull. Like whatever. I'm not going to be the background noise to your happiness when I could possibly be out there finding people who want to be in life because they genuinely like me for who I am. No I will not put my happiness on hold so you can enjoy life to the fullest because you're greedy as shit. Like a picture I saw, I'm not going to be crossing oceans for you and you're not even going to cross a rain puddle for me. 

No fuck you, you hypocritical loyalist. I don't have time for that. 

Northern Comfort

You know how they always talk about Southern Comfort?? The good old southern hospitality?? It's funny that no one ever says a thing about Northern Comfort. 

But then again there's nothin to define what it really means. Then one day it came to me what it is and why it's so scarce. 

The other day I happen to see my Neighbor who was a nice person and has a wonderful personality. She came and gave me the biggest tightest heartfelt hug I had in a long time. And she did so to tell me that her mom passed away just a few months ago and I told her how sorry I was and her next question was by far the most baffling. Here we have this mom who's in her mid 40s or so, tears welling up in her eyes and just looks down right heartbroken and she stares at me and asks me, "How do you do it??" 

Honestly....I didn't have an answer for her. I had never been asked that yet. When I took what short time I had to think about it, all I could say is I don't know myself. As we talked, she told me how much of an inspiration I was to her. To see me lose my mom and make it work like it didn't happen. She told me how depressed and unhappy she was and how much seeing me go about my daily routine or see my kittens playing in the window or on the porch just made her so happy. Honestly I felt like I had done something great! I just didn't know about it. 

I did tell her honestly, there's no way to get over it. I do miss my mother and even miss my father and I think about them a lot and I even have moments where I want to tell my mama something or come across something cute or funny I want to share with just her because she got my quirkiness. Then I realize that I can't, and I have to refocus my attention elsewhere which is hard. Thankfully the kittens keep me entertained and ward off some of the boredom. 

Before she left she gave me another hug and I could feel how unhappy she was with life. The funny thing was, I would have never considered not once in my life that being at my age of almost 27 that I would be being comfort to someone who's old enough to be my mom who's on a similar path as mine. 

When I consider the people my age who doesn't have a mom or a dad or both. I can only count maybe 5 people. Probably not even that many. Why?? Because we are conditioned to think our parents will be with is forever and nothing can affect that way of thinking. Well for me mine was affected when my mom got sick and it was a wake up call—one day I'm going to be an orphan. No matter how much I didn't want that, I had to learn to accept that one day this could be my fate. And it was. I think because I rewired my thought process I was able to accept my parents death a little bit more. I got my crying out of the way because I knew I had a lot of shit to take care of, like my mother funeral, getting the house together and repaired and going through the legal system to handle name changing and inheritance. I had no choice but to have a clear mind. Every now and then I'll have a moment and cry about it but then in my case I don't give a full cry. Why?? Because the people I want to comfort me aren't here and will never be able to comfort me. So either I cry for no reason or I suck it up and move it along. 

All in all I must say that I'm happy that people think well enough of me to consider me as someone to confide in and find that strength they lost so abruptly when they're world got turned upside down. I think about us Northern folks, that's one thing we do well. We know how to come together even for a short moment in a time of tragedy and bring comfort to one another and get past the moment into recovery. It maybe short lived but that's ok. It's that emotional bond that matters the most. 

The Southern and Northern Comforts are like the comedy and tragedy symbols of theatre (the happy and sad faces). Apart they have their own stories. But together they make one hell of a performance. 

When I Don't Have Anything To Do At Work


Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter & Sh*t!!

Hi Kids!!

I know I haven't been on much lately, but I miss the shit out of you guys & dolls!! Plus I've been worried about my Ukrainian love bugs too!! I hope you all are still safe and sound and I'll definitely keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

I did want to wish all of you a Happy Easter!! I hope you all enjoy yourselves and keep it safe, happy, healthy and sexy *wink, wink* hehehe.

Anyway with my hectic schedule I'm still going to try to get more posts done. Thank goodness I only have 30 or so more days of this school bus nonsense. It's driving me bonkers! I went to go take my knowledge tests (there are 4 tests and it takes about an hour to go through them all) and I failed the first three because I missed so many questions. And a lot of those questions were shit I did not study for! I was mad as shit, but not as near as mad when I kept getting trick and fuckery questions. The 4th test, I passed but I only got a 72% I need an 80%. How corny is that??

Then to top it off I dented the hood of my car! I was going back to work, I went to drive a route that's long and difficult by myself so I knew where I was going. On my way back I decided instead of going the route way to go through my old neighborhood from college to get to work right? I get stuck behind this piano delivery truck who kept stopping abruptly the whole way. Well whilst on this bridge that's getting repaired and been dropped down to one lane outgoing/incoming traffic. He slams on his brakes and I do the same but because my tire went flat and I had the spare on, my spare tire didn't hold traction and I hit the haul hatch in the back. The best part he didn't feel it!! What type of shit is that?? But the whole time I thought I crashed in my whole front! Nope just dented the hood and honestly I can't worry about it because there's nothing I can do about it until I get the money to fix it you know?? Instead of dealing with the insurance about it, because I don't want to go through any flack from them, I might as well go to the dealership when I can to get it fixed. Oh but here's the best part--on my way to work this past Wednesday...my spare tire goes flat. So since it was 5 in the morning, there was nothing I could do until everything opened up  which wouldn't be for another 4-5 hours. I called in and got attitude from the secretary whom I assume wanted me to drive that morning.  Then here I am busting my ass to get to work that afternoon, I had to walk and catch the bus and she says I don't have anything for you. Why the fuck didn't you say that this morning?? You know I was pissed right?? So I had to wait until Friday when I got paid to get my car fixed and I got the run around the entire time. Luckily when I was getting it towed yesterday (have to tell you more about that lol) the guy told me about a place closer to my home and I ended up getting all my tires checked, and got two new tires for $86 which is cheaper than the price for one tire. So the guy told me if I have a problem with any of the others, to come down and they'll help me out. Honestly I couldn't've been happier!

Besides fuckery with the kittens as usual and catching a minor cold, not only did I have an eventful week but I'm doing just fantastic as you can see lol. But I have tons to still tell you guys and dolls about. Maybe I can get a rambling in here and there over the next few weeks too :) Then hopefully I'll get summer break, like a serious break too! And I don't know about you guys but I'm tired of this shitty ass weather too. I'mma need Mother Nature to get her life together, because I can't take this 4 seasons in one day bullshit.

But I'll talk to you all later, now I'm going to fight at the Walmart to get what I need so I can cook and dye my easter eggs too lol. Have a good Holiday and Weekend everyone!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

An [Un]Missed Opportunity

So even though I have a job, I'm not too thrilled about it and it's not my favorite but I appreciate the money that comes with it actually. I just don't feel it's necessary to bust my ass like a slave and still get peanuts in the end. However I'm happy that someone finally gave me the chance I had been asking and wanting for years that I couldn't get because I wasn't good enough. This job lacks a lot of things I need, like benefits and job security.

In midst of all this I've been looking for extra work, one that provides me with the things that I need and hopefully I happen upon a job that gives me everything that I'm asking for and I'll be happy and well contented with that. What I've been doing is looking for jobs and applying to tons of places until I get something else. I already let them know I wasn't giving them a two weeks notice, if I find something I'm leaving. Unfortunately over the month or so I've been working at my job, I've applied to probably over 50 jobs or so. I've had two interviews and about 10 who claimed to be interested in me even though I don't think they really were. In addition to looking for jobs and applying to jobs that I see here and there, I get updates via email where they give me job postings of supposed "job openings" some are well over expired or lead to a bogus site, or claimed to have been filled months ago.

This morning while checking my email, I'm looking at the job postings email and I came across a few places that I applied for. Then I came across one that caught my eye. Fashion and Cosmetic Marketing Representative. For a moment I sat there in awe, because I was shocked, happy and feeling slighted someway.

When I was in college, and had to get ready to plan my life like an adult. Honestly I'll say I wasn't ready for it and probably wouldn't've been. But I knew it was something I had to do and that it needed to be done the right way. So in looking for jobs that not only fit my college major but would be beneficial as an entry level job. Unfortunately at the time Pittsburgh had little to nothing that suit my pursuit in finding a job that corresponded with my major. Which meant I had to look at jobs away from Pittsburgh, I found 3. Those three jobs were in New York, California and Florida. Three different jobs but three good jobs and great entry level jobs. As I spent more time planning this and getting this together, and talking with my Dad about it. I decided that I wanted to go to New York. Cali was too far and Florida had hurricanes. So my Dad said to choose the best opportunity, and if New York was it then go for it. So I start looking for housing in New York and decided to live in Forest Hills, Queens and I would commute to work in Manhattan until times got better. Then I also found a place in Soho and it was a lot of planning and the more time I put into this, the more I thought I'm going to be living in New York by myself. It was a scary thought but it was also so exciting. I couldn't wait until graduation and move to New York and work as a Fashion and Cosmetic Marketing Representative.

Unfortunately, my life took another route, but I still thought that I could move to New York and make it. It never worked out. Mind you this was 7 years ago. Now 7 years later, here I see my dream job and honestly deep down I want to take it, I want to apply. Then on the other side of the coin, I really don't want to. It defeats the purpose. I needed this opportunity years ago. When I think about it, and think if thinks had worked out where I could've gone to New York and made it work, my Dad would've still died, my mom wouldn't've wanted to move to New York and the cost would be too great and I'd probably be in an even unhappier situation. Or something unthinkable even!

Even though this opportunity was presented in front of me again, I don't think I'll take it. I already know I won't get it because I don't meet the qualifications they're looking for and then I have to wonder would I be happy doing something that I thought was cool at 20 years of age?? Probably not. A lot of things I wanted at 20 are things I no longer want and now have to consider what the fuck was I thinking??? Lol.

But you know what?? Call it a missed opportunity, I call it unmissed because if it can present itself to me again with everything I need then, that I don't need now. Then it really wasn't worth in the beginning. Besides why waste my time with people who are looking for perfection?? I rather work my 5 jobs and continue doing what I'm doing until I get something better, by my hard work and determination. Not by what school I went to, and what major I own. I've seen tons of college graduates who lack in everyday survival skills. I maybe a college drop out and considered irresponsible because I don't have a man or kids to tend to and piercings galore....but I know how to survive, even the worst of the worst.

Friday, April 11, 2014


For the longest I've tried to figure out why I have such a hard time dealing with females on a social and bonding level. No matter how much I analyzed the situation I could never figure it out. Regardless I would always try my best and build a feminine bond with other females and experience that group of women who's been best friends forever like in the Then & Now movie. Because it was embedded into me that that was by far the most important task that need to be completed, planted and given the upmost care to remain fruitful. But...I never got that and never got to experience it, probably never will. 

My job at the school bus company is one where everyone is basically friendly with each other. They greet everyone and there's smiles and laughter all the time. There are some that are loners like me and would rather not interact. But it's queer to be in a setting where everyone is happy and enjoys the people around them. 

For me that was very uncomfortable because I spent such a long time being unnoticed and not interacting with people who gave a damn that I'm used to being on my lonesome. I'm ok with that, others aren't—we move on. Not here. They make you participate and they don't sugarcoat or hold anything back. It's amazing actually. I began to enjoy this and felt more confident about interacting with people. 

But we all know good things must come to an end lol. 

Naturally I want to gravitate to the women and chit chat and giggle it up. Then I realized the more I did the more I got pushed into a corner. Not that I was unfamiliar with this corner but I don't like being put there because of someone else's mindset. This time instead of finding that femininely bond that women share with each other, I felt disgusted in a disappointed kind of way. 

It seemed the more time I spent with the women at work, the more and more I feel disconnected from them. I'm one of the few youngest workers, but I also think I'm the only one who has no relationship or children to dote over like everyone else. I thought one day I could alleviate that and talk to the people who might not have that....unfortunately they were men and they talked about their parents, siblings and nieces and nephews and other family members. 

It wasn't until the other day when I rode with two other women on their run that it finally hit me of how I felt with women. I felt emasculated. But wait a minute, is there such a thing for women?? Or is it so rare it's like a mythological sprite of some sort?? So I had to do some research but because it's so unheard of there's so many terms. I decided on the title because it described exactly how I felt. The run I mentioned above with the women, once I mentioned I was single. I was no longer allowed in the conversation unless it was about work. I always receive that treatment from women. Because I'm single and childless I'm not good enough for conversation. They make me feel uncomfortable. But I don't think it's fair to treat me like I'm not good enough to be a woman because I don't have kids or I'm not married or in a relationship or being a Susie Homemaker. Don't tell me I'm not a woman because I haven't done the same things you have or experienced the same the same things you have. I don't shun people who didn't have a father at home and I don't shun people who have siblings. 

But after the other day, I feel it's best if I keep my distance from women and just interact when I have to. I also refuse to allow another creature to tell me I'm not good enough when they're just as flawed or even more more so. 

And because of this last episode, it makes so much more sense why I never gotten along with women. Now the men at work I'm comfortable with and the conversation is conversation except for those who have kids or something equally entertaining like a girlfriend. But other than that I'm cool with them. 

Now I just have to learn to avoid women putting me in that Defeminized Corner because I don't hold the same values in life like they do. Or maybe honestly I need to move, not saying it can't happen there but it might not be as aggressive as it is here. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

New Entrees, New Ways to Taste the Lighter Side of Delicious!


Rain Puddles

Today we had a rainstorm this morning and usually I can't stand it when it rains. Especially if I have to go out in it. I even dislike it even more because my job has an all mud parking lot for the school buses so going through the rain and trying to avoid the drops, mud you're also trying to avoid the puddles. 

In most cases I would avoid the puddles. I don't like to be unnecessarily wet for no reason because it makes no sense. Not today. This morning everytime I approached a puddle I wanted to jump in like you do when you're a little kid. But I kept holding back because of what society says is appropriate and inappropriate. Then that made me think of how much society and rules regulate our lives and prevents us from missed opportunities. It prevents us from trying our best and experiencing something that could be so enlightening that we are left in awe. What baffles me the most is the fact that they constantly tell us as kids to go do what you want, nothing but yourself is an obstacle. But as soon as that child version of us wants to jump in the puddle because we feel it's right and we want to know the experience after that....Isn't there always someone else telling us not to because it's inappropriate, it's rude, you shouldn't be doing that. 

It's like I've had a ton of people telling me I can live my life within the four walls of my home. I understand that to a point. But if I say, fuck it—I'm fin to just leave the house, grab the kittens and move to Colorado I'm making a rash decision, it's inappropriate and if I can't make it work here why am I going elsewhere to fail. Then I have to wonder if I'm not prospering here and not getting the life that I'm suppose to be living as a 20-something filled with fun, happiness and excitement all around. Then wouldn't the next best thing to do is leave or go found out how to make that happen?? 

I think if I find another puddle today, tomorrow or Friday....I'm definitely gonna jump in it. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Happy April Fools Day!!

Happy April Fools Day yawl!! 

Lady Gaga Bot

I came across this freaky thing couple days ago on Facebook (via fearnet) and it was by far the most freakiest thing I've ever seen!! Now honestly it has no relation of whatsoever to Lady Gaga but at first you would think so.

But what's so scary is how life like the movements are and it makes you question if this is real or fake. Hell I even questioned if I was a robot or not and personally I was tripped out. However I enjoyed it!! 

Check it out and lemme know what you think.

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