Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Last Piece Of Candy

I had just mindlessly walked out of the bathroom, went into a small bedroom that's now an office. Petted one of my kittens and went straight for the candy dish in there and stole 3 pieces. My mind was focused on my current fubar situation. I went back into the hallway, petted the other kitten and went into my bedroom. Like a feign, I climbed in my bed with the tapping and mewing of the kittens outside my door frantically trying to open the tin foil wrapped candy. And that's when it hit me—. 

These last few weeks have been high level stress for me. This past week has been hell. Within this last week I've encountered so many stressful situations that at some point I snapped. I didn't catch my senses until a few minutes ago. I can't even remember the last thing I wrote. But I know it was during work. 

So my position changed this past week at work. I was just a school bus rider. Which then I turned into a monitor. I understand my position. Those of you who don't know a school bus monitor is there to help the driver keep the children under control and safe as possible. In a normal situation that's fine. Not fine with special needs children who have a variety of disabilities. Who also experienced so many changes that they're disgusted. I understand, their routine has been destroyed so often and so abruptly they reject all changes. Unfortunately due to the complicated circumstances it's hard to transition. Old veteran drivers didn't want to deal with them not only because of their disabilities but they have behavior problems as well. So they gave it to a new driver. The old monitor quit and they replace me with him and that was an even bigger issue because we have two new people with kids who are challenged and disgusted. Not a good combo. To say the least you don't know what to say without it being taken the wrong way. So as for this week I don't know if I'm riding with them again or not. 

In midst of all this, I got pulled over the other night by the police. He said I exceeded the speed limit. Which I'm fine with and I probably did. But he approached the situation wrong. He not only assumed I didn't have a license but tried to say my insure was expired, I was a minor, and I was driving a car not registered to me and how I'm going to kill someone. Then wanted to know what my living situation was like and who I lived with and if I was sure I lived there. He said I was going so fast he could barely keep up with me. That's crap. Because the neighbor where he's an officer for. They way in two spots. He wasn't at the first spot and I hadn't got to the second spot. So I think he was following me from my neighborhood because at one corner there's a lot of negro activity. And my neighborhood board lines with his. I hesitated at the light because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go left or straight. I took left. When I got so far down there was a dog in the street. I stopped completely as the pup took it's time to get on the sidewalk and out of the street. Then I noticed someone following me. But thought nothing of it. So he said he would cite me and I have to go to court in 10 days which then became 30 days. So as I'm asking him questions on how to handle it, all he gave me was I don't knows and go find out on my own. When he let me go, he followed me through two more neighborhoods before getting off my ass. Now I think he stopped me because he thought I had something to do with what was going on down the street, the dog, my damaged bumper (that got damaged because I slipped on ice while backing into the drive way a few weeks ago) and my music. But when he couldn't find dirt on me he had an attitude and tried to make something out of nothing. That pissed me off. 

In lieu of that, I worked to see what I can do to change it. Unfortunately I hit two roadblocks. I can get everything changed however I need insurance in my name. After my car accident in June I don't know how the insurance company will take it. Then to look for insurance is a problem since I only have enough for bills. I have to work on that tomorrow. But then I got a flat tire on Thursday that I have to get repaired and I have to see how much that will cost since I can't get new ones right now. Another problem. 

Then, I've been getting stalked by this old drunk alcoholic guy who did a few things for my mom. She would complain she didn't like his drinking then leave him alone! Unfortunately my mother was a nice person and acknowledge everyone regardless of their affiliations in life. Well after she died he came around looking for me to be his new employer and I'm like I don't need your help. I've never seen him work and he's rarely sober. Like winning the lottery rare. He did help me get the ice out of my driveway which I was appreciative and said thank you and paid him. It wasn't perfect but that's out of my control. After that I told him I don't have anything for you to do. Because he wants payment all the time and demands work. I'm like no. I'm not going to assist in his drinking habit and I rather try on my own first or forego it if I can't. 

Last Friday night he comes to my house around 10pm. That's one thing I don't like, why do you need to come to my house at night?? So I invited him in because I wasn't about to hold the door open and let the cold in not go outside as he rambles on. He goes into how him and his supposed wife are arguing and stuff and I'm like ok it'll work itself out. Whatevs. Then he boldly says he wants to hook up with me. I immediately say no. He says don't worry about Jackie and the kids (there's 10 of them). I'm like I'm not but no. So then he says oh she's putting me out and I need a place to stay and you have a house so that'll be great. I'm like no. Then he's like oh you're so beautiful and just my type and you don't need to be single blah blah blah yadda yadda—I'm like thank you but I'm not interested in a relationship right now. I don't have the time and my main focus is working and taking care of myself and my kittens. Then he asks me if I have kids or not and I'm thinking dude I've known you for 3 years now and I lived with my mom have you seen kids here??? Then he's like you have the cats that's cool with me I like cats. Then I reiterate what I said. He's like well that's because you haven't had a grown man treat you right. I can help you pay the bills, I get $700 a month from social security but I can't give you anything now but next month definitely. We can go out, I know tons of places we can go to plus you have a car so we're set. I'm like no, I don't have time for going out. After about another 30-40minutes of this banter he then demands I give him something to do. Like a chore. I don't have anything for you to do. So he back to his love conversation and said he needed someone to love him and I'm like you've come to the wrong place. It ain't happening here. So he says well ok not love but a friend. I'm not interested in friendships. He's like oh you let them other dudes mess it up for me and blah blah and I'm like no the girls did that. But I don't have a need for a guy. So he's like you need someone to help you with this house. And I will do that on my own thank you very much. So he eventually leaves and said I need to think about what he said. I told him I'll consider thinking about it. He said he'll come back next month and ask me again. I'm at the point I just want to get rid of you. 

Saturday. I had go out to the store because I was in the midst of cleaning and rearranging furniture and trying to make the house more emotionally appealing for me and not feel so awkward while I'm here. I feel safe but then again I feel very uncomfortable. It's not my house. It's my parents home and always will be and it will always feel like that. With them not here in it, I feel slightly uncomfortable. I went to Walmart that night around 10pm to get a few things I needed since I made adjustments in the furniture. I got back around 11pm. I sat watched a tv show and went back to what I was doing. So the door bell goes off around 12:30am and it's crazy from yesterday. Did I mention he's 50 and some of his kids are younger than me?? Unfortunately with my front and storm doors, they're so old there's a terrible glare. So I can't see who's outside. I can't even look out either windows to see especially if whoever it is, is in a blind spot. He said he came to see if I wanted company. I'm like no. He's like well what are you doing. Cleaning and moving furniture. He's like I can help. I told him I don't need your help. And he's like well I can't go home and I came to see you. I don't have time for company. I have to go to church in the morning. He seem to get disgusted and asked if I thought about what he said. I told him no, I have more important things to think about and it doesn't include that. So he's like you're saying I don't have a chance?? I'm like no you do not. He's like you hurt my feelings. I'm sorry but no. He leaves. 

Now he told me he no longer lives at the top of my street. He moved two streets over going down. So I'm wondering why are you passing your supposed house to come to mine?? I saw his supposed wife this week and she have me a real funky look. I pretended like I didn't see her because I don't know what he said to her or what frame of mind she's in. 

He comes past yesterday evening after I got back from my second job and his excuse for coming is to "check on me." One night he came pass and wanted to know who I had in my house because a car was parked in front of my house. I'm like I don't know what you're talking about nor do I know who's car that is and I don't care. He kept asking me like it's an issue. Anyway. Yesterday he brought a friend with him. The friend stood in my driveway. I tried to look out the living and dining rooms' windows but can't see anything. Since he's shorter than me, I can't see him from the front door window. I open the door and he immediately snatches on my store door. I pulled it back and cracked it and he's telling me how he came to see me and goes into this reason of why I haven't seen him because he's supposedly working. When I could care less and I wasn't searching for him and let him know that. So he says I'm working so I can save up money and take you out. I'm no that's ok, I don't have time for that. He's like you have free time. I don't. He's like you're not doing nothing now. I'm like you interrupted my cleaning. When I have free time I'm either sleep or cleaning the house. So he says well you'll get off in the summer. I told him I doubt that. He's like yes you will be off in the summer. I'm like I don't think so. He says it again. So I'm like well if I am, I'll be looking for work. I'm looking for another job now. I don't have time. So he mumbles some incoherent jargon and then demands I give him something to do. I'm like I don't have anything for you to do. So he's like you going to be mine I'm going to keep trying. I'm like I seriously doubt that. So then he says I'm going to keep trying even if it takes me forever. I'm like if you say so but I seriously doubt that. 

So now I have to find away to make some money to get a surveillance camera so I can see who's on the porch without having to be forced to open the door. And asking who is it a lot of people refuse to answer so I'm like I don't have time for this nonsense. 

I even had an ex-con call my phone and ask me for sex. I have no clue who he was, where he got my number and I have NEVER in my life associated with someone who went to jail. 

Because of these last few encounters I've had with men—I officially hate men, they turn me off and take me to such an uncomfortable level it makes me cry literally. They creep me out. I don't like this new found attraction because I have a house and car. No I'm not your meal ticket and damn sure ain't going to consider it. Not even in the craziest or mindsets! No one can fix this, I'm mentally damaged and have no interests of whatsoever in men. I'll talk to them and respect them but I'm not interested, especially if they're going to be creepy and demanding. I'm contented being a cat lady.

Then I talked to my cousin who's afraid of everything and anything outside her house. And she wants to give me advice and tell me this and tell me that. She's been having me look for the job at the hospital that I told her I haven't been able to find. So today she tells me I see something different than you when I look. Well no fucking wonder it hasn't been working! So now she wants to help and then give this whole you should've known bullshit lecture. Last time I talk to her she got disgusted because I said I wanted to leave Pittsburgh. I hate it here. Why am I staying. Then she's like what it you got sick or got in trouble if you lived out of state. I'm thinking BITCH I WAS HOMELESS FOR 4 MONTHS WHO THE FUCK HELPED ME HERE??? Family sucks ass when they don't help or treat each other like strangers and enemies. My family is gone so I might as well leave here. I might be able to find a better opportunity and maybe encounter some people I can get slightly get along with. 

After her bullshit. I went to the bathroom and after went to the office and grabbed candy and ran to my bedroom to goggle it down and then I realized I'm making myself sick. I'm eating because of stress. The thought of it made me go into a anxiety attack and now I have an upset stomach. The sad thing is I noticed my clothes were fitting or felt snug. I dismissed it. But while I sat there with my rollos in my hand, I thought about all the food I was was mindless eating without actually feeling hungry and thinking the whole while it's ok. 

So I think in going to fast starting today and not eat anything for the whole week and see how it goes. See if I can get this binge eating under control. And not have it spiral into another problem or make myself sick. 

I just don't like my situation but I'm in a position where there's nothing I can do about it. I can't leave Pittsburgh because I don't have the means financially to do it. And uprooting with no place to go to is ridiculous. I can't find a steady permanent job because what I have experience doing is now down my computers and smartphones. I don't know anyone to help me who isn't already retired. This school bus gig is more of a pain than a help. I love my webcam job but I hate the fact that I have to sell my pussy for $1 maybe $2 if I'm lucky. I'm selling to cheapskates who blow money on some skank. My hair is falling out and I'm beyond frustrated. I get so tired of people telling me how blessed and how happy I should be but I'm not they don't know what it's like to have no family at all and what little I do have all have problem. Like who the fuck says I'm hear when you need me call me and then never answers the fucking phone or tells me bluntly I'm not helping you or taking care of you I don't give a shit if you're homeless or not. So I'm like fuck family. I came into a problem because what little my mother left me, had to go getting my house back, fixing and repairing it and paying for services and shit and even to have access to the money which fucked my life up that much more. Everyone's on that if you talk with the lord, no fuck that I shouldn't have to talk to him when he put me in this fucked up situation. When I needed his help the most, I got fucking ignored and people are like well you just have to accept thatNO, screw that. I'm not going to thank you when I wake up when I'm living in hell. I don't need people giving me advice when they aren't contributing to my cause or helping me correct my problem.

Honestly I just want to be left alone, and go to work and pay my bills and come home to my two kittens and patiently wait for death to summon me. I don't need friends or family or that extra fuckery that comes along with those things. I really don't. It's like when I wanted a relationship with a guy or wanted to have kids or have my own family I wasn't ready, wasn't good enough, and of course it's never the right time. But now when I don't have a need for it and been practically alone or a loner what-have-you, now I need to do it. But why?? I've been single forever with guys, girls suck here as far as bisexuality is concerned. If I've lived 26 years without it, I'm pretty sure I'll be ok the years to come.

You know the saying, "That was the last straw [that broke the camel's back]"? Well mine was a piece of candy...hmmph.


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