In the midst of thinkin about my situation and thinking about my parents. I wondered how different my situation would've been if my mother had died first and then my father. It probably wouldn't've been as long in term of what happened. But I still believe I would've ended up with the same result regardless.
The more I thought about it, I finally understood what my dad meant when he said he wanted to die first before my mom.
See with my mom needing 24/7 care, time to myself basically was reduce to long bathroom visits or time out going grocery shopping to get time to myself. Imagine doing that for 5 years by myself and additional 5 years with my dad. It can get frustrating and becomes overwhelming regardless of what people say, caring for a sick person or an elderly person is exhausting really.
Now if the tables were turned and it was just me and my dad. I wouldn't have had to do the same kind of 24/7 care and I would've had somewhat more freedom to my self to do what I wanted to do. In that regard, that's what he meant. He said he didn't want to be left with me because he knew I wouldn't be at home with him and that he would be lonely and I'd be out enjoying life. Honestly everytime my mom would mention that to me my initial thought was that I wouldn't be doing that. But I was basing his situation with my mother's at being stuck in the house and dealing with a sick person. However when I took the time to think about it recently I wouldn't be doing the same thing that I was doing with my mother. My situation may have been more chaotic and unstable though.
The sad part about it all, I actually felt bad after saying over and over and over again that I wouldn't leave him and I wouldn't do this and I wouldn't do that. Yet I know if I was put into that situation I would be doing whatever I wanted and been contented doing so.
Sometimes when we think about things and say how we'll react that's never the case. We're comparing a possible situation with a present strategy. So never say what you'll do knowing if you were really put into that situation that's not what you'll do.