Friday, January 3, 2014

I Sleep Alone, Cause There's No Room In My Bed

 It seems like in the midst of me trying to find myself, my family's been pressuring me to find a "mate" to live a traditional life with. However for the last few months I've talked to quite a few guys. I think I finally realized or more or less found out why I'm so short with men.

These men consider themselves single, yet they all just about have a kid or kids. They also have a pre-determined outlook on what they want in a woman however it's not realistically possible. You can't have a super model tall with a matching waist, triple-F tits and an ass bigger than Rhode Island, with a face prettier than any celebrity out there who has the qualities of the perfect housewife while being nastier and freakier than a porn star. You can't have everything you want. It's not possible, so you have to drop the standards and accept whatever comes your way and based your NEEDS and not your wants so much. For me that bothers me. Another thing is, they say they want a good woman but have no problem in mention how he wants to bed her or have her suck on his dick. Like what do you want?? A nasty ass ho or a good woman?? Baffles me.

For the last month, I've been called sorta cute. I hope you skinny. Why you being difficult, why can't I have your phone number. I'm interested in your face but I want to see your body first. And it goes on and on. Getting a headache just thinking about it. But one that took the cake was this one guy who was in his 30s and wanted to "hook up" but when I declined he had the nerve to tell me off because I said not interested. So I had to let him know, excuse me but I didn't go on the dating site out of want, I was bribed. I don't beat men down but I do have standards and if you can't talk like you've got sense or you're not a total horny pervert. No I don't trust people after all the crap that's happen to me. He eventually stopped talking to me. He even had to nerve to say he didn't believe I was a real person like what type of shit is that??

Then another guy, who has a kid wanted to give me advice at how much fun sex is and how to let loose and all is good as long as a condom is used. Yeah tell that to the people who were victim of the condom coming off in the middle of sex. I doubt they would agree and neither do I. So I told him I wasn't interested in sex and in the midst of our conversation he said oh now you're tons of fun, because I originally found you to be plain and boring. Oh I'm sorry my plainness and boring personality isn't what you're looking for. Then what makes it worst all these men all claim how they're be oh so loyal and faithfully committed. How can you be when I won't even be your top priority?? You already have a family and a ex that won't disappear due to children and you're telling me I have to ride the trunk of the car because you have far more important things in your life. Why should I be held back or not receive everything I'm deserved because you have a different agenda. That's not fair in the least bit.

Then comes another guy who was the one that said I was sorta cute. And his view point was well you a good woman, got your own crib, you seem nice why are you single?? Good question, I've been asking myself that for years. But now I'm like fuck it because I don't care anymore and if I have to plan my life in accordance with accommodating someone else's life then no fuck that I'm not participating. This his whole objective became where I live and how many days will it take me to let him come over to "cuddle" with me. Days?? Try never. He said that's not much of a chance. Neither are you saying I only cute enough until you want to cuddle with me.

I don't like men who are over confident, and think that I'll be ever so easy to get. No, no it won't. I'm going to make it as hard as I can because I want to show you my ugliest nastiest side and if you can't make it through and fall short then I know you were never good enough for my best. I already gave my best to two different people who never appreciate it. I can't let that happen a third time or make a routine of it either.

But last night I sat here and thought, what if I did let the walls down and open up. Would the unexpected happen?? Would I get what I've been looking for?? Just the thought and sound it sounds so bittersweet. Unfortunately after being hurt and fucked over, I immediately retracted that thought and went on to something else. I don't want to have to change me or turn into something I'm not to temporarily please someone who's not even trying their best to make me happy or show me pleasure. I read something that said that everyone is going to cause you pain, you just have to find the right people worth suffering for. I can't imagine that. I refuse to accept pain, hurt or mistreatment for the sake of just how things are.

In my mind I consider that things would change, that I one day wake up with a stitched up heart like new and be ready to receive whoever comes my way. But I also know that's a dream and fantasy and that I can't have exactly what I want. However I won't settle for less and if that means I have to consequently live the remainder of my life alone then so be it. I've already accepted it and I'm learning how to be content with it. But I also know I have commitment issues, and I won't be loyal to anyone who's not loyal to me. I'm not saying I need to be treated like a Goddess but I also don't want to be treated like some common hoodrat hooker. So whether I don't smoke weed, or that I'm not a size 8 or that I'm only just cute--that's all fine. I rather sleep alone anyway. I'm selfish like that lol. Plus there's no room anyway because the kittens have the other half of the king sized bed. To me that means more than having a half ass man telling me how much he sorta loves me.


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