Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I Feel So...

I know I should be sleep but after thinking about tonight, I lost the urge to do so. I went to visit my aunt. But while I was there I felt so left out. Like almost inadequate. It's like everyone else knows a secret and you don't and you're just the background noise to the conversation that's being spoken in tongue in front if you. 

While I'm laying here it made me realize why I want to be alone. I don't like that inadequacy feeling. That "left-out" permanently feeling. It bugs the shit out me and I don't like it. It gives me too many emotions to try and handle and I don't like it because in the end I end up frustrated, hurt and confused. 

I personally and honestly feel that if I alienate myself from all people I won't have to deal with that feeling. I can be contented if I want to or even mad or sad or whatever feeling I'm experiencing at the moment. Plus I don't know how to interact with people. No matter how hard I try to, I always find myself just sitting and smiling and putting up a front like I'm really happy to be participating but in actuality I'm not, I'm uncomfortable, anxious and....lost. Because I don't know what to say and I know the people I'm closest to I have nothing in common with them so a conversation becomes difficult or just down right boring. Or in some cases, it becomes nothing at all but awkward silence. 

The restlessness that shrouds my bitter heart feels like when you can't swallow and it's so hard that nothing works. When I get like this I just want to run away and be a forgotten memory. It makes me wish for death....

However. Having my little kitten, makes life worth while for me. We may have our misunderstandings somedays but I'm happy to have him. He makes me happy and appreciated me for what kindness I show him, loves me without judgement and the best part about it all for the first time I've got someone who's afraid to lose me. Someone who's even afraid to see me leave. That by far is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love every single moment I get to spend with him. Nothing else matters. But I also know and I've come to understand that interacting with humans will soon come to a close. I think after this party I begin to spend the remainder of my life alone with Hawthorn and leave it at that. Hopefully if things go the way I hope, I won't have to leave the house too often and me and him can always be together. I also know it won't last forever. One day we're both going to end up at death's doors going to another place. Sooner or later it doesn't matter to me. Because he'd be the only one to miss me and I for him as well. 

I can honestly say, this is the first time I ever felt so emotional. 


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