So since today was Labor Day Happy Holiday to all my fine people out there who celebrates!
I didn't barbecue and neither did the old folks, instead we did what most Americans do who are too lazy to get cooking--go to a restaurant. Which isn't a bad idea and plus least the food was very good.
Anyway, I'm not typing about the delicious, sexiness of the buffet I ate. So one of my mom's high school friends called me up Sunday night and wanted to check on me. I think everyone thinks I'm going to kill myself or something outlandish and crazy to that nature. Which I'm not, even though I have considered it, not going to say I haven't. But hell, regardless of my age and what miracles (might) come my way....my life is totally fucked up right now so yeah why look forward to a future I never wanted in the first place?? And all that mumbo jumbo about you can't predict your future is crap. Ever want to go back into the past and do something differently just to change the present?? Yeah your present self then wasn't thinking you'd be regretting the shit you did then in the future (which would be the now) HELLO! Dropped the Bunny Logic on ya! Lol. Anyway so she asked me if I had been invited out for the Holiday and I told her no and for some odd reason she found that to be appalling like almost horrifying and all horror movie like.
I'm sitting there like, why is that a problem?? So she gets all dramatic on me and says how terrible and unfortunate that is. I'm like I doubt I would be invited in the first place, and she says well you shouldn't be at that big house all alone and I told her I wasn't at the house which got her off the subject of my supposed loneliness. After I got off the phone with her, I couldn't help but think back a few weeks when one of my older cousins mentioned the same thing and how I need to start planning on who to spend the holidays with. Why would I want to do that?? My parents are both dead so why do I want to celebrate with people I don't feel ultimately comfortable with??? She said the reason was that I don't need to be sitting at home alone on holidays and how I need to interact with people and socialize because if I don't I'll sit at home and sulk and be unhappy and how unhealthy that is for "anybody" and how I need to consider all these things. I'm like I'm not celebrating shit, excuse my French. I feel I don't have to if I don't want to. Whether I sit at home alone today, tomorrow, next month or next year it doesn't matter. I personally think I shouldn't be expecting people to think of me when a holiday rolls around and I would honestly be offended because you didn't consider that when my mom first got sick or when my dad died and I don't want you doing it now that mother has died.
This whole oh Bunny's gonna kill herself we must call her constantly and invite her over so she's not lonely is really beginning to piss me off. Like I'm an only child, I had to grow up lonely for the most part. Plus I personally don't want to get dependent or attach myself to people knowing they're not always going to be there. The little conversations about spending time together is great and dandy but it's not healthy to get someone's hopes up and then not even be decent enough to offer them an apology or a proper excuse as to why you didn't or refused to show up. That's like telling a little kid you're going to take them some place fun and then never show and give then broken promise, concreted lies and terrible excuses as to why you can't without thinking about how they're feeling unloved, unhappy and not good enough in the process. That's wrong, plus I had enough of that as a kid and growing up. I'm not about to let what other people call "loneliness" get the best of me. Honestly I feel better and I'm happier by myself, but with a crowd, even the two I live with currently I feel out of place and I'm not sure how to really interact with people anymore.
Plus I'm tired of always being the one who's left. Not like a subtraction kind of thing, but the one who ends up getting left. Make a new friend, they leave. Fall in love with a guy, he leaves. Love my Parents to death and they both left me. Tired of opening up the emotional happiness store and getting no customers. I know it's wrong to think and feel that way, but I've yet to have someone actually want to stick it out with me no matter. Why build relationships when someone (or me in this case) is always going to be the one standing there watching the other person happily frolic away like they've been relieved of my burdensome existence??
Yeah no thanks.
I'll be contented with not having to have to shop for presents, or wish someone a happy holiday anymore and snuggling at home with my future crazy cat lady collection.