Friday, August 16, 2013

There Is Where You Messed Up

Its like ever since my mom died, which hasn't been that long ago, people been bitching at me about what I plan on doing with myself. Not the whole "what are your future plans" conversation. But they're offering me advice on how I need to go back to school. That is so far from my mind right now it's not even funny. I don't have the $50,000+ to go back and graduate and right now at this point in my life I'm not looking for a career either. I just want and need a job and then I'm good. 

Or the next thing is where I'm living. Well at my house if things go in the right direction!! Then I get that how the house is too big and how I need an apartment. Either way I'll have to pay for utilities, at least the house is paid for. Secondly, I need  job and pay stubs and good credit to get an apartment. More things I don't have so like what the fuck are you saying to me?? I understand that people may consider there might be a mortgage but then I can't they know my parents been in that house since 1973, so what makes you think there's still a mortgage??

But here's the kicker—I have more people telling me how I need to find me a "guy" to help me take care of the house. Excuse me what?? I know I'm a female and all but last time I checked I wasn't flailing my arms screaming for Prince Less-Than-Charming-Dumb-Fuck to come save me. Regardless of the other things that people have said to me, that one pissed me off the most (then the whole where I'm living would be next). But what makes you people have little to no faith in me?? You're suppose to love and support me but yet you're scolding me and telling me how I won't make it in this life without a man or someone to take care of me or how I'm going to drive myself mad for being alone. That is so messed up!! Even if in the wildest of scenarios I find a guy, it doesn't mean any man will help me with my house or help me pay the bills. So why exactly do I need one?? I'll answer that in a minute.

The funny thing is that none of these people has offered me a room to stay or food to eat, and let me tell you being partially homeless sucks! Even though staying with my uncle and aunt is a nice gesture of kindness, I don't like having to get up early or having a curfew. I feel awkward and uncomfortable really. I don't feel secure and I don't like it. Honestly I rather be sleeping in the van parked out in front of the 24 hour walmart instead.

My one cousin made this suggestion that when the holidays comes that I need to be around family or basically people who care about me. To a point I understood where she was coming from but then again I got offended because she kept pressing the issue. Saying how I would be lonely and I shouldn't seclude myself from the family. But wait a minute....I'm an only child and it wasn't like I had a cousin my age or even find someone close enough to feel that way about. I was born an only child and being alone wasn't a choice it was something I had to learn to get over in the first place and then agin embrace and accept it fully. I can personally say that I won't be celebrating holidays much anyway. I mean why would I?? I don't have kids and I really won't have a need to. The only day I did get excited about was my birthday but now I can't even stand that day. Then I think you want me to celebrate and live life like it's a beautiful something the whole while knowing I never been close to anyone but my parents who are both gone now. So why, exactly do I want to spend a few monumental days out of the year with people I really don't feel comfortable with??? Ahh, that's right I forgot.

People think the best way to handle my situation is to move on and start my own life. Ok, I got that. But do it in such a way where I get married and children and be some lame ass man's housemaid while I won't be "depending" upon the people who call themselves family. I don't like when people under estimate me like that. You're saying that now that both my parents are gone I'm going to be alone and unhappy and I best correct that now because god forbid I may need you. No, no. You've got me fucked up with the other skanks of the world. I would rather struggle my ass from the depths of hell I see light than to beg people to help me or follow a tradition I have no interest in. I don't need a man, since the ones today are so lousy and even the good potential ones are just as terrible. What purpose would he serve. If they think for one minute some fucktard is going to move in on me and live there scott free, they got another thing coming!! I vowed to be a cat & bunny lady and a cat & bunny lady I shall become. I don't have the patience or time to deal with a human being on another level that's not acquaintance. I just can't and more likely I refuse to. I'm not trying to make a life time of where I'm always left alone in the end anyway regardless of what I do or what's said. Why pretend when there's always a possibility of me being eft alone anyway?? That's like saying that going years with on and off again internet you'll stay current with all the happenings around you. No you wont and at some point you'll miss tons. But you can't go back to relive what you missed that's not possible.

I even understand with people saying that I need to be more positive about things, but how can anyone be positive about anything when they're life was filled with negativity and false senses of security?? That's like hoping a fish can breath and survive out of water. 

I guess I'm tired of being let down all the time and I'm tired o the unbelievably high expectations people have of me. Just et me figure out who I am and if I have a chance of having a shot of having a little place in this world before saying what needs to done.

This isn't the life I wanted, I don't need anymore misery tacked on to my unhappiness.


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