Saturday, August 24, 2013


I don't want hear how you personally feel. But honestly I'm tired of never being good enough for no one. In everything that I do I get scolded. Should I apologize or is that not good enough either??

I don't want to hear how smart I am, how pretty you are or if you're persistent you'll get what you want. Don't tell me to do what I want to then scold me for being "insubordinate," I'm not a child my age says so. But don't demand that I need to act like an adult but you then feel you have the right to scold me and treat me like a child. 

No I'm not asking for preferential treatment. I'm just asking to be treated like an adult. Excuse me if I cry about this, I don't like people telling me what I should be doing to make myself better when this is the best I got, this is the best I can give—Dammit, this is the best of me. 

I don't want to hear how proud you are of me and then five minutes later you've got a mile long list of things I've done wrong or you don't approve of. Then it's funny when they say, don't worry about what people say just be you! Do your best LéSans and all will be fine. Apparently not. 

I want to run away, and just be a forgotten memory for everyone who's met me. But I also know at some point I'll want to be heard, seen and accepted. So in actually do I really want to die instead?? Would that ease the pain I feel welding up in my soul?? Would I finally be set free?? 

I never thought my life would be such a disaster. I never even thought it would've went on like this. I feel like someone's ripped my heart out my chest and I'm just barely functioning on the fumes left over by its hard work. 

But right now, I wish I wasn't born. I wish my mom would've aborted me like she wanted to if she knew about me earlier. Then I know for sure I wouldn't be so damned unhappy. I may miss out on what life had to offer but that's not important to me. I'm tired of fighting for a happiness I'm more than deserving of and I'm tired of fighting just to be human, to be accepted or just to exist. I'm tired of people planning my life out for me and disagreeing with what I want. 

I'm......mentally exhausted. All I want right now is permanent sleep. I don't want to wake up and see another day. I don't feel blessed, church cannot help and no one can make me happy right now. I want to be alone and never to exist again. 

Then I wonder, would I get scolded for being unhappy??? For wanting to be free and to leave?? Would I be scolded for being tired?? But then by that time I wouldn't care and it wouldn't matter—it never does and never will. 

The funny thing about being scolded is that you get to learn something. Sometimes it's far too late for that lesson or it won't be any good or any use. 

I'll always be the one who gets scolded. 


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