Wednesday, July 31, 2013

It's Fucked Up

I really didn't know what else to name this but at the moment I'm frustrated, hurt, disgusted, pissed, agitated, aggravated and so many more emotions to the point I'm falling apart from the inside out.

As I sit here and think how people who've got their lives together bitch and moan abut the silliest shit, it pisses me off. Why?? I never got to live a life of my own. I probably never will. Most people my age are starting families or making them bigger, others are getting well into their careers and some are just fucking doing whatever they want because there is no bad or negative force field that can ruin their good time. Then there's me, deal with life's bullshit. Do I get to go out? No. Do I have friends that actually like me for me and not what I can give or do for them? Fuck no. Is my life so together that I have to find faults in it just to have something to whine over?? NO. 

I have a badd feeling right now. It's deep down in my soul, and what do people say to me?? keep trying one day it'll be the way you want. Oh so keep letting life be fucked up for me and one day I might get a lollipop or some stuffed animal for my problems oh that's fantastic. I would rather not have that. I want something to give me hope and say that tomorrow or my future won't be this fucked up forever.

Now while everyone else is complaining about how they can't sleep or how "turnt up" they fin to be this weekend. I have too worry about if my mom is going to die this year or not and how I'll be fucking homeless without nothing. Oh but that's right, like someone told me I always like playing the victim when it's convenient for me. I'm sorry I forgot how unimportant I am asa human   being, I must've missed that memo on how Bunny was only good enough to remain in the background and be the foundation to everybody else's happiness. Excuse me for being so inconsiderate.

I never wanted my life to be this way, this isn't what I signed up for. This isn't how I planned it, even the worst case scenario. If I did, I thought it would in a controlled manner. Not out of control and never to be manageable. My whole body aches with regret, unhappiness and all I truly wanna do right now is die, just end it all, I don't see a bright or happy future. I see an even miserable one and I know honestly I can't take it alone, but I won't have a choice. No friends, no family, not even a lover who'll stand by my side long enough to tell me they'll always be there ad that things will be alright—nothing.

My world is slowly but fastly falling apart, and all I can do right now is hope it doesn't break me to where I won't be able to cope. Then I have to wonder, they said third time's the charm, maybe the unrequited love I once had for life will finally come to an end and I can finally know peace. Knowing how things goes, The Universe is enjoying my suffering like everyone else.

I will always hate this ugly yet beautiful life. 


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