Thursday, July 11, 2013

I Hate Life

Regardless. When people say, 'oh stay positive,' or 'keep your head up,' or 'one day things will get better' that hurts my feelings more so than help me. 

I never thought being told to give up would be so much more hurtful than saying so myself. Yeah I may get frustrated and may need a break and shout out the statement in protest. But there was always the hope of one day being happy that I clung to. That I fought hard for. that seems more of a dreaded nightmare than a hopeful dream. 

Today I was told, I can never buy a house, never buy a car or rent anything. I will never get a job because I'm not experienced or own a college degree or two, that I'm not married and nor do I have kids. I can't get those things and its far from possible to even think like I can. 

Then I sit here why is Life considered a blessing or a gift?? Not everyone is hurting the way I am. God forbid if mama dies, then I'd be a lost cause. My student loan debt goes up everyday and I go deeper and deeper into debt. Money makes the world go around. That is so unfair when it's not divided fairly amongst everyone.

I was even seriously considering having a baby just to get help but even in that case there's no guarantee. If I happened to die my debt would go to my kid and that's very unfair. 

The irony to all this, the only way I live care free and achieve that happiness, I would have to die. 

Either I die sooner or later. But if I expect to be happy, it'll still be an unattainable thing. I either end my life early and never see it. Or spend my whole remaining days on this earth miserable and still to never see it. 

There are days like these when I wish I was never born. Days like these where I despise everything that makes Life exist at this very moment. 
And all I see is all that hard work to get a dream, I was never meant to have in the first place. 

I hate life. 


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