I thought that since I'm waiting for the water to get hot so I can bathe myself for the night that I would talk about something that's been on my mind lately.
Maybe a week or two ago, I happen to come across the mailman. I hadn't seen him since maybe January or possibly even December. I was glad of that. Just letting all the years wasted on loving him flow back to me and do a double rewind like a bad movie just tainted my emotions even more so. Seeing him and just looking at him broke my heart and made me dislike him even that much more. I even had a moment where I went to look at his wife's facebook page which had been AGES since I last did that. She posted up pictures of their wedding day and their trip to Disney World last year. But what I immediately got pissed off at or more like jealous was the fact her daughter graduated Penn State. But here's the kicker, SHE HAD A BABY!! The fall of last year and still graduated on time with good honors and the whole nine. There's his wife beaming at her recent college grad and boasting about their granddaughter.
But all I could think of how stupid, how much of a dumb fuck he really is. It's one thing taking care of someone else's kid, but it's another taking care of that kid that's not yours, kid and being perfectly ok with it. Now I know he was footing the bill for that Penn State Tuition and even now I'm sure he'd made to take time with that baby whether he want's to or not. All in all this time around I didn't feel sorry for him and I actual amuse at his misfortunes.
Then I thought that wasn't right or fair. He's just as much of a human being as anyone else. But why? Why do I hate him so? Then I thought to my ex-girlfriend, I didn't have the same problem or ultimate loathing with her. But why?? And then the other day it finally dawned on me.
Even though she and I ended on a terribly sour note and we were both pissed and unhappy. There was one thing she did that made the way I feel about her now come to be over how I felt then when we broke up. She said she was sorry, but only difference was she meant it. She accepted the responsibility that it turned out uglier than it should've and things were said that were hurtful. I can honestly say it was that mere few moments in our chatting where we acted like adults and talk it out. There was no she said and no I said this—none of that. Just pure conversation. Even though I don't trust and probably never wag my tail her way again. I love her just the same. I truly do and I'm ok with our relationship and how it got to where it's at today. We speak to each other here and there always quick hellos and nothing more. I like it, actually I love every spare moment that comes around.
But him, he never gave me a sorry, that actually meant something. His sorry's were like phrases to say because there isn't anything else to say. Before I would believe them. But it wasn't until that day when we both were on the side walk that April and he stared me in the face like I served no purpose, like air was more visible than me or even that I had no business walking on the same ground as his highness did. That hurt the most. Yet in a crowd of people you can search me out but when it's just me and you on a bright sunny day on the same sidewalk you didn't see me. When I confronted him about it I got a lousy "sorry about that" and he trotted off like it was no big deal. Shortly after his attitude towards me got worst. Now I try to ignore him as much as possible and make little to no eye contact. I don't want to continue to fall in love with someone who was suppose to be my Romeo and yet he feels I was never good enough and probably never would've been.
All I can say I know now that when I see him or find myself thinking about him, I don't get that fleeting lovable feeling like I used to. I won't say I'll be over it or that one day things will change. I mean c'mon he was my first adult love and it's truly a special thing, even far more special than a very very first love. Did I think the man I would fall madly in love with wouldn't want me or need me or even wait for me?? No. He's made his choice and I have no right to judge or demand something otherwise. I just have to learn to accept it and move on.
One thing I do know that if we happen to cross paths again in the next life, I'll make a serious mental note to never fall in love with him. It wouldn't be worth it, after all. It'd be like a love spell gone wrong. I personally don't think I could cope all over again.
Hopefully the Lavender will bring to me the peace of mind my heart's been looking for...