So I guess you can say after a crappy birthday and the blues that follow that. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about things. No matter how hard I try to "re-invent" myself, I either end up nowhere at all or I'm forced to start over again.
Society expects me to be a young, stable woman who's capable of taking care of myself and being something great. Which I don't disagree with. However owing student loan debt, not being able to get a job for a number of (sad yet pliable) reasons and I feel stuck.
I try and try and I get nowhere. Everyone even the stars on tv have all the how to on being successful and happy. Just get out there, do you and believe. I have and that's go me nowhere. But what really set me off into my current attitude is trying to get help for the wisdom tooth that's been causing me pain and suffering. I'm either too old or too young, I'm not a baby's mama nor am I married. I even called up the local dental school and he told me if I didn't have the money I would never get any help. But really, who has thousands of dollars just laying around?? I was hurt. Here I am in pain needing help and I get turned away.
It baffles me! How am I suppose to be a young responsible adult when I'm being prevented from trying my best to be all I can be?? It's like asking a royal blue nail polish to be true. It can only be done but so much, it won't change or turn into a blue hue you want. It's ridiculous to even get all uptight and upset about a nail polish not being the one you want. If you want Emerald City Green go get it. If you want Banana Yellow go find it. If you want Too Hot To Handle Red, Cream Soda or Chartreuse go buy it. However don't shun me or call me useless or unneeded because I'm not any of those colors. You can't expect Essie to be China Glaze or OPI be Sally Hansen or Sinful Colors be Essence.
Which then made me think of how I'm tried of people well basically my debtors saying to be because I can't get a job, have no rich relatives to depend upon; I need to go get married. How the hell am I suppose to do that when every man rejects me before giving me a try??
Remember that great guy?? He was everything I always assumed I wanted. However his birthday and Zodiac was just too much for me. Plus some of his views I couldn't come to terms with and let go like everything else. One of them being he felt someone who lived at home with their parents was a failure at life. Oh I'm sorry that my situation as caused me to find shelter back home where I know there's always room for me.
Then I wondered if, only if things were able to work out between us....then what?? For the first time in a long time I felt so inadequate. I had nothing to offer him, nothing to bring to the table. And only so much love, caring and compassion can go but only so far. Eventually he would go else where to find what he needed. Then I felt horrible because I also knew, he wasn't what I wanted and never would be. I felt guilty, useless and tainted. Who would want me even if I didn't have my extra baggage?? So I politely told him that it just wouldn't work, I've got way too much and can do little to nothing and I doubt it could get better. Plus I didn't and still don't want to be the reason for ruining someone else's life or tainting their happiness.
Just like nail polish, I don't be a no name brand. I don't want to unknown or thrown in a clearance bin because I've lost my wrapper. I want to be on the shelf with hopes that one day someone will buy me and be happy to have me. I'm not asking to be a popular color or the one with the best coat or shiniest sparkle. I want to be liked just because. To catch someone's eye or to even be give a try. I want to be someone's all time favorite, or the most qualified and dependable. I'm not asking to be EVERYTHING. But damn, at least let me try to be something before throwing me into useless, unneeded and unwanted basket.
Most of all I'm so sick of hearing about everybody else's life. Not out of jealousy or being lined with envy. But because no one want to even give me a second to talk about mine. It's not fair everyone else gets to move forward with no obstacles or very little if they're claimed to be there. They get everything they need and want and I get nothing. I'm the guy who loses every time, I don't get offered a small useless constellation prize.
I'm tired of being the single, child free friend who gets asked last minute to parties or get togethers or told I'm only good for a weeks worth of free babysitting or how I can't participate because I have nothing in common with everyone else. Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry my life took a different path.
No one will ever understand what it's like to try and start your life out and hope for the best no matter how many bad hands are dealt. Just to sit back and watch it crumble, fall, fail and disintegrate so quickly that you don't even have time to catch the good chunks and build anew. I take care of my mom because I don't think she belongs in a nursing home, plus I need a place to stay, a place to feel some what secure in. I don't go out because I can't afford it and I feel silly doing it on my own. I don't have friends because I'm tired of always being used, hurt or accused of stealing someone's boyfriend or husband. Better yet because I'm not a mom, I'm not allowed to participate with any females as far as society and the people I know are concerned. Men have always rejected me, the things that are suppose to make me unique and fantastic have made them reject me that much more. Like how the fuck can I be good enough for a one night stand but never good enough for a mere relationship?? Even society feels I'm not good enough whether its for work, help or even graduating college or making something of myself. If I even want to be considered and respected as an adult I need to have 5 years of experience, working, married and a mother.
But how do I accomplish those things?? How do I get there??
To get a job I need to get rid d my student loan debt. Even to work to gain experience enough to not be a Burger Flipper. So I can support myself financially and be stable and worthy enough for a man to look my way. Eventually find a man who considers me good enough for marriage, who in fact I have something to offer. Like cooking, cleaning and contributing to the household funds. To then be considered good enough to be someone's mother. To gain access to all the wonderful things I hear other women talk about. Then to finally be accepted, embraced and regarded as an upstanding citizen. To have some sort of happiness....
But before I can do any of those things I need someone to give me a chance. The way things are looking that's never going to happen.
I considered putting my student loans on another forbearance but I had to wonder what for? I will never get a job and lacking in education and experience, I definitely won't get a job that'll pay me $3000 a month to pay the bills off. What about the other places I owe? They would never accept my whole paycheck going to one thing and one thing only. I'd be working for free. What frightens me the most about that is, image working for free for 50 years. It's already likely they'll garnish my wages and take everything from me. Oh but I forgot, I can't even get a job at any place doing anything. If I had known my life would've turned out this way, not only would I had NOT GONE TO COLLEGE; but I would've dropped out of high school because none of that was worth it. Even now looking back on it, I worked so hard for nothing to gain nothing and ended up being nothing in the long run. That's what hurts the most.
They say its the most amazing feeling to find out your true purpose in life. The reason why you were born. I disagree, I found out I was meant to be nothing. Makes me even wish I wasn't born. I turned out to be a nobody. There's nothing amazing or spectacular about that.
So what's a person to do when they don't have a purpose??
I guess I've got the rest of my life to ponder that. For now I'll be the Georgia Brown Nail polish that had potential but not enough to fascinate the world enough to be something great. I'll never be the Essie or China Glaze polishes like the other girls, and I guess in one sense I am jealous. In another, there's nothing I can do about it and that feeling of despair will always override any other emotion I feel.