Friday, March 15, 2013

I Thought I Had Lost You...

So a lot of people have and had been judging my feelings on wanting a child. I thought I would take time out to explain myself, and the whole end to the Road To Mommyhood label amongst a few other things that come to mind.

Any for those of you that do know or didn't know, doesn't matter. I have never had a normal menstrual cycle. Why?? It was unclear to me however I found it to be normal, and assume all the other girls had a period once every four months every 5th year. It wasn't until I was about 16 or so and I had to go have a check up at the doctors for school. The nurse asked me when my last period was, mind you this is about October. I told her the end of August. She automatically assumed I was pregnant and above all else telling more lies than a lawyer at a murder trial. With her being so persistent and insensitive about it, not only did it hurt my feelings but it made me self conscious. I chose then never to talk about it because it apparently upset others.

Then I got sick in college and they found out about my having Graves Disease and Hyperthyroidism. Then my doctors say that it was my condition that was messing up my menstrual cycle and overall health. They did mention in a mellow tone, that I would never be able to have children of my own. Do you know how devastating that is? How depressing and how unhappy that makes a woman to hear in a nonchalant tone well you're broken, good luck with that. It ruined my whole plans about going to college to get married and to have a bunch of kids. What man would want a woman who can't even bear him children. What good is a relationship then?? Thus it was a hard pill to swallow and it took me a lot to get over it and accept it. But I won't say it was easy because I was a mere 20/21 years old. I still had my whole life ahead of me and that one thing just cramped it all up and threw me off my groove.

Years later at 23, I find myself pregnant and unhappy. I'll be honest I would've love to have met that child and even gotten to spend the littlest bit of time with them. I may not have wanted the baby due to the situation and how the baby came to be negatively. But it didn't mean I didn't love the baby even if our time was short lived. Unfortunately, because I couldn't move on from how terribly their father treated me and the fear of my child falling out of love with me; I miscarried and was very happy. But when 24 came I found myself missing being pregnant and decided that I would at least try my best to have a baby, even if it meant on my own. Unfortunately due to my severely irregular periods, that wasn't about to happen. So I then considered adoption but when I was told I needed to be 25 to adopt, which later changed to I needed to be married. That was another thing that ruined it. So I thought about artificial insemination or even in vitro fertilization. Unfortunately since I didn't have the thousands that was needed, I was basically screwed. So once again I accepted life without a baby.

Shortly after things took a wicked turn. My period began to run a normal course and I was shocked, surprised, happy and unhappy at the same time. Then it hit me....

I can have kids!

Since the opportunity presented itself I felt I should take it while I had the chance. I devoted my time finding a guy who was willing to have a baby with me. I wasn't expecting a free hand out nor did I want to force him into a responsibility he wasn't ready for. No one likes that. If he wanted to participate fine and if not that's also fine. Didn't find NO GUY willing. Then I headed straight to the sperm donors. Not only did I learn it cost money to join these places to get access to the best sperm donors, I found out that the donors themselves wanted hundreds or thousands just for a teaspoon of sperm. I felt like I was back where I started. Yet I was confident, I had to make this happen. I was being given a chance of a lifetime and it made me so happy! But with the added stress of not being able to find a job or being told no because I never graduated college or I wasn't already a "mother" I felt that society was singling me out and yet demanding me to be a woman.

I thought if I found out what I could do to get rid of my student loans, that might make me seem or look more responsible oppose to my current appearance. Top three that didn't include paying them back or a public service job or military.....I had to either die, be a vegetable not in a coma or pregnant on welfare. Pregnant? Welfare?? Just below those it said if you get married they remove half of the debt (so if you owe $500, they'll drop it down to $250).

I immediately thought I could kill two maybe even three birds with one stone. I could be getting rid of my student loan debt, getting the baby I want and then eventually be accepted in society enough to get a job and be respected as a woman. So I worked even harder to make that happen. The more I tried the more men told me no, or called a slut or said how horrible of a mother I would be. Everyone started telling me that no one would want me let alone have a baby with me or even contemplate having unprotected sex with me. Like I was the one with the diseases. They treated me like I had HIV and was going around infecting people. Even guys who had women at home and wanted to proposition me for sex refused to even participate. I wasn't doing it to get married or put him in a tight spot or even have a reason to go back to him. Then I got tired and said fuck it, just give me sperm and you'll never have to worry about me again. But then people said I had no right to deny my child a father. Understandable, but if he doesn't want me or the baby how is he still deemed in good favor?? Why is that?? It was becoming more and more harder and I couldn't understand why. People told me to wait until I'm 30 or 40. Wait until I got married, or go back to school so I could get a college degree and work until I get up the corporate ladder and make enough money to be a single parent. They even told me I needed to go make friends so they could throw me a baby shower so I could get free gifts and things I needed that I wouldn't be able to afford.

Then I got mad. There are women and teenage girls getting pregnant left to right. Those that don't have a job or a place to live or money or a job and yet they're better than me. The fuck is that about? 

I only considered having a baby to get my student loans taken away so I could start my life and be something. I didn't have to be a corporate drone, but I would like to work. But that wasn't the main reason why I want to have a baby maybe even two on my own. My family has always been over the top out of the ordinary dysfunctional. They were never close and never would be no matter who's involved. I barely know anyone on my dad's side and mostly they're strangers. My mother's family hates me because prior to my birth my parents raised all the nieces and nephews and provided for everybody whether it be a place to stay or live or anything. They were good people and good for their word, but the family took advantage of their kindness. Thus when I came, I was immediately disliked. I was also told as a child that no one would want me if my parents suddenly died. I'd just be an orphan, yet my parents never did that to them. So when my father died and it was just me and my mother, I felt this empty lonely feeling. I didn't like it. To see a future of being alone that broke my heart and I didn't want that. Since I was always bad at making friends, and the boys didn't seem interested in me at all. Marriage soon became out of the question.

The thought of coming home from work after a long hard day to see my child greet me and say how much they missed me and how much they loved me was eternal bliss. I really wanted that and I wasn't about to let anything to stop me and prevent me from having the happiness of a family. I didn't want to be like my parents have a baby late in life and not be able to see them grow up or not have any grandchildren or even see my child become something great. That's why I disapprove of having a baby after 30 it's not promised you'll get to see them become an adult or be able to be as active. When my parents had me they were long done and tired, there was no running or fun activities of roasting marshmallows or all the things they did with my cousins. I never got that. I missed out all over something I didn't have control over and over people who were so selfish and ended up being horrible to me. Hell same people who don't even wish me a Happy Birthday when it comes around. I definitely didn't want to end up alone or all by myself, I already spent a good remainder of my life like that. I had to have a baby, it's more than a want, it's important.

Well, I ended up finding a donor one day. I was happy and overjoyed, but I knew deep down it wasn't what I truly wanted. I didn't like the uncertainty of it or the possibility that this person didn't have to be who he said he was. It turned into another dead end and I was at a lost of what to really do next about the situation. I thought and thought and the only thing I could come up with was that I was never meant to be a mother or a wife. Regardless of how I felt about it, it just wasn't meant to be. But I left the possibility open just in case. However a promise I made to myself back when I was 19 or 20. I said that if I wasn't married by time I turned 26 I would have kids on my own anyway. Well, now I'm in a predicament  Not only are the men refusing to impregnate me, my 26th birthday is rapidly approaching. No hope for marriage and no future hope of children. Plus I couldn't handle the stress any more and I had to do something.

I read this article a few months back about how when women are in tuned with their body, they're able to do things that some would find miraculous or extraordinary. The women the article talked about mentioned how she always had irregular periods, and medication would help from time to time. It was until she hit her 30th birthday and felt a want to have a baby. So she dated and went out with many guys, but none of them suit her. By time she turned 35, she gave up and her periods stopped. The doctor said she was amazed herself but it made sense. Reading that made me realize that not only had I stopped my own period back when I was teen and fearful of getting pregnant without being married. I had been saving the whole time until I was ready, when I knew I was ready my period started to function like it's suppose to normally.

So here I find myself 2 months and 5 days away from my 26th birthday. I've decided that I don't want marriage. No marriage whether it be a man or woman, I'm not interested. I've also decided to go about my life without kids. I hate to say so, but I think it's for the best. When I think about it, I wouldn't be ready for helping my kid with homework, I want to sleep in everyday like I do now and above it all I HATE COOKING. So no marriage and no kids, it's the best for me really. I'll always have that want in the back of my head and definitely in the back of my heart. Seeing children use to make me squee like crazy. Now I just stare and wonder, and say to myself it's for the best. To others I may be cutting myself off short, but I see it as if it was truly meant to be, it would've happened by now and I wouldn't've been unhappy or working over time for nothing. Since guys seem uninterested in me and society feels I'm too much of a fuck up to be anybody's mother....I'll accept defeat gracefully. Doesn't mean I like it or that I have to accept it but I will be woman enough to accept it. For now it'll ache and I've divorce myself from people who have kids or talk constantly about them and their spouses or significant others. It prevents me from feeling left out, like a queer and from snapping out on people.

It's not the worst choice in the world to decide to be childless. It doesn't mean I'm a failure at life or that I'm a failure at being a woman. It just means I'm a rebel and I refuse to follow tradition. No big deal. I made this decision because I wasn't about to wait on a man or go looking for a man all over again and keep repeating the worst mistakes I've made over and over. No it isn't how I expected it to turn out and no one could've told me when I was a mere happy tween dreaming of the future that it would turn out so ugly in the end. So, I've turned off the period and ovulating factory (haven't had a period in over two months now and I'd like to keep it that way. Left up to me I would prefer to have my uterus removed so the want would be toned down a few notches.

For the record, I think I would've made a great mom and made someone happy to have me as their mom. Since it was never meant to be, I'll just have to find what it is that'll make me happy as a single woman. This time around, I'm sticking to my guns and I'm not changing my mind. No kids mean no kids. No more back and forth. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and getting less than nothing in the end. I feel my reason is legitimate and worth it.

For those of you that think women who choose life without kids are mean and selfish. Not ever single woman is cold, selfish and incapable of loving. You don't know that for sure. Passing along assumptions doesn't make you an expert in the topic.

10 years ago I expected to be married for 6 or maybe even 8 years. With at least 3 kids already happily wanting more and more. With a perfect husband and a life that would be envied. 
10 years from now, I hope I don't have kids even by accident. I don't want anything from a man that isn't sex or ill-use of his money. I hope by then I would've traveled back to Hawaii with hopes of visiting other paradise. Living my life happily single.

I never said I never wanted to have kids. I definitely (desperately) wanted to. Still do in the back of my head. But being denied the lifestyle you need to make that happen, made me voluntarily accept that being a mom one day will never happen to me no matter how hard I tried.

So now you all know why I wanted to have a baby so bad lol. I was just tired of people telling me to believe something about myself that wasn't true.


Post a Comment

What do you think?

Chrome Pointer