Thursday, February 7, 2013

Vague Descriptions Of The Heart

So I talked with someone I've only had mere internet encounters with. They're very nice and seem to do no harm and is very aggressive when it comes to being passionate or caring about something. However every time we talk they drive me completely bonkers!!!!

We talk maybe once a month sometimes twice depending on things. Since they are in a different country and time zone respectively. However every time we talk the conversation starts out nice and then runs dead smack into chaotic bullshit. Like it never fails. It has me wondering now should we be internet friends or not. They have this partial aggressive obsessive nature. That they want it to be one way only and have beliefs in traditions and just anything outside of that norm isn't right and will never be viewed properly for them. It's like telling religious people that gays and lesbians exist. Yeah something like that. 

Anyway when I talked to them yesterday they're always on that same subject about my getting married and having kids. How love is like a fairy tale and its so beautiful and does no wrong. How I'm still so young and I need to follow in my moms footsteps and get married and make her happy and all this relationship talk.

I made my decisions and I was very clear minded and I've set it in concrete. I really do plan on staying single for the rest of my life. I won't say I won't get lonely, but like I toughed it out being an only child; I'm sure I can get through life the best way I know how being single. It's not about being with someone or following in the steps of traditions. This person opposes that decision and feels I'm letting the past get in the way of my moving on to get married. How I need to keep trying.

I mean shit. I have tried. Tried and even waited and nothing ever came my way. If it did, it wasn't meant to be and made my life a disaster. I don't like the hurt feeling at the end. Since I'm an only child and friendless too, it makes getting over a broken heart that much harder. Because I don't have people telling me its okay. Instead they boast about their relationships and tell me how inadequate I am as a woman. That. That right there.....that's what I don't like and I never want to revisit such a feeling again. It put me in a very dark place that's not healthy for anybody, and sometimes in that case in the need of desperation you find yourself being extremely lonely wanting to fill the void and be happy some way or other. That leads to more problems and making temporary decisions that could cause a lifetime full of hurt. To be honest, I don't think I can go down that road full trip a second time or even multiple times. It's just way too damaging for the soul. Yeah you can't let the past prevent you from find your future, but you also can't pretend it didn't happen and build a falsehood future that's fragile and easily broken.

But yesterday they was more determined than usually and no matter what I said or how I explained myself. Or tried to even make them understand. They ignored it and opposed everything I said, and basically how I interpreted, demanded I risk getting my heart broken because it'll make my mother happy and bring prosperity. No it won't. They even went so far to say it's okay not to be loved back. If love happens okay, if not move on. That's like saying well sugar is bad for you but to eat a shitload of candy and sweets. Because by doing that one day you'll be skinny. The hell?? Being in such a relationship like that where you have to sit and wonder if love will come one day, or if that other person will love you back isn't good. Someone I know personally was in a 20 year relationship and never had even a small hint of the possibility of  the relationship blossoming into something more. In the end, that person got nothing because the significant other ended up dying unexpectedly. I don't want that and I refuse to even consider doing such a thing.

Then I thought for a moment. Maybe it wasn't out of stubbornness they were always being so assertive about this topic of me getting married.

Maybe it was done so she can have that if she can do it so can I moment. Yes believe it or not it's a young woman who still believes in fairy tales and romantic rendezvous with Princey Poo. It's a thoughtful notion and I'm partially flattered, however I'm not the one to carry out the plan or even consider it down the line. I worked too hard becoming a woman any man could be proud to call his wife and mother of his children. Yet I wasn't good enough and never was and I can't fathom what else I would need in this life to make me marriage material. I really can't. I also don't want to find out. I waited for a lot of things that never happened that were suppose to happen. But for me, when I prepared my whole life waiting for something that I devoted my whole life, and still came up lacking somewhere regardless of how I felt about myself. I still can't accept that I wasted my life preparing for something I wasn't designed for, and I missed out on making good friends, having fun and doing things that struck my fancy to the fullest. It's like working and expecting to get your paycheck at the end of the week, yet your boss tells you know you can't have your pay because you messed up—they never tell you where or how to fix, just you won't get paid and they no longer have a need for your services because you were nothing more than a temporary hire. The whole while, you worked full time and was consider full time, yet somewhere along the line you weren't good enough or the type of candidate they were looking for. That is what it's like for me. I wasted 12 years of life to be the best marriage and mommy material I could be, as well as become an intelligent educated strong woman. And after all that hard work......I have nothing to show for it but what I know and what comes from my mouth. No college degree in some fancy major, no high paying job, no diamond rings don my left hand and the stretch marks I got aren't from having babies. I busted my ass and all for nothing.

The worst part here comes some jiggaboo to tell me I'm a failure at being a woman and a failure at life because I didn't try hard enough. When this person didn't even consider the thought. They were that I'm going to be single because I love my sexy body and my career this and kids and marriage are demanding and I can settle when I'm 2,095 years old talk.

Irony is what it is. But it's surrounded by bullshit unfortunately.

I've decided that I won't talk to that girl any more. She pisses me off and ruins my day with her crazy crap about how fairy tales are real. I already have enough nay-sayers in my life. I don't need any more monkeys for this circus show.



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