Sunday, February 3, 2013

Glass Snowflakes & Melted Hearts

I know the title is random and I wanted it that way. Much better than saying "random post" all the time right??

Anyway since I'm sitting here waiting for my water to boil for my tea and cooking adventure. I thought I type something up real quick.

So if you keep up with me, you know I've decided to stay and be single for the rest of my time on this earth. The reason I wanted to talk about this was this guy keeps hammering me for a--for now we'll call it a "hook up" for lack of better terms.

I can't honestly say if he's my type or not or even if at all we are compatible in any way or form. But I don't hear from him often. Yet he comes back with the same conversation. So not only has he forgotten what I've said over the several months I've known him. But he's also doing this for the wrong reasons I believe. Before, all he talked about was his son this and his son that. I told him then I wasn't interested.

At one time I will be honest now and say I used to be opened to the thought and possibility of an already made family, people who have kids from previous relationships. Unfortunately too that got messed up and I refuse to get involved with anybody who has kids. I'm sorry but after the douchewaffles I had to face with their terribly behaved children. I can't come to terms. Even guys I talked to about one I would love to have kids. They always say no you don't need any you got mine. Really?? You expect me to be ok with that?? You want me to play mommy but I don't get that respect a mother would because after all I'm just the stepmom?? Then no I'm not about to cater or love anything that didn't come out of my vagina. Nor am I going to be treated like I'm nothing more than the housemaid and the birth mother's on an indefinite hiatus.

So this guy, at the time wouldn't leave me be!! No matter what I said or did he still popped up and messaged me. To me for us just meeting, not only did he ruin it with having a kid already but talking vulgar to me like I'm suppose to get all hot and bothered. You know pussy this and pussy that, let's get down to the nitty gritty Kitty talk. But then it took a curve ball and he had the nerve to propose. I'm all for spontaneity, but damn I don't even know your birthday or favorite food and you've already betrothed yourself to me. I had to decline. I can't mentally accept being someone else's choice and I get no say so of whatsoever. I may demand it to see where your mindset is, however I won't go off and marry some complete stranger I know nothing about!! But eventually I guess he got the message and I did what I do best.

Well he popped up the other day. Talking he wanted to see how I was doing. I'm doing great and you?? And for the short moment the conversation lingered in a pretty okay direction. Then he mentioned cuddling to keep warm and someone massaging me and hinted at sex--again. I'm like I cuddle with my computer. He retorted that it doesn't keep me warm. HA! If I keep it on it does. So then he says:
"Either you really hate men or I must not be your type..."
For a split second I wanted to say well no it's because you have not one but TWO kids. This last one isn't that old, not even crawling yet. Then you're expecting me to come and be with you and play mommy to kids (with the possibility) who may never like me, may never want to be bothered with me and may even disrespect me and tell me I'm not their mom the whole while calling me Bunny. When I even mentioned kids to him he said he didn't want any more just he's ready for a new relationship after his failed (now that turned into two) marriages.

So I told him I didn't know if he was my type or not. I'm not about to find out. It's best for me to be single and spend time finding myself and finding my place in life. Then he told me he couldn't believe I was giving up so easily and how my closing the door makes me miss out on a good man that may come along. Not sure if he was mentioning himself there or men in general. But it doesn't matter. I told him I waited long enough and spent my whole life preparing myself to be a good woman, a good wife and a good future mother. It's apparent I'm not suppose to have or be those things. I'm not going to try to be someone I'm not to get another person to like me for a short period of time. I don't want to hear I can't have kids now nor that I have to wait until I'm 50 to find out he never wanted kids to begin with. I'm not about to go on a limb a third time and let love engulf me and then push me from cloud 9 and watch my body hit the concrete. It hurts. It hurt the first two times. I'm sorry but I'm not about to love another human being who may have even the idea of straying away from me because things got rough, or someone got ignored or looking to place the blame because you don't want to be the one ashamed and hurt only.

Plus I felt no need to explain myself to someone who won't remember what I said when he decides to talk to me next month or two months from now.

To me going into a relationship and hoping to get what I want and need out of it, is like raping that refresh button to connect to the internet, but since you didn't pay your bill and the internet is cut off....what exactly are you gaining from repeatedly hitting that button??? Not a damn thing, so move on the rest of the computer still works right?? Or in my case if that isn't good enough find something else to do.

For now I'll consider myself a good woman with a lot of potential who still has room for improvement to be a great woman someday. Hopefully that is.

I don't hope or plan on meeting someone. If it were true or meant to be it would've happen by now. My cut off for kids was 35 but also then I thought I'd be happily married by 26 and you see 26 is hitting that corner fast, 3 months and 17 days away. I'm contented with being single and I refuse to change that or let anybody sway me from that decision. It's finale, written in stone. It may seem like giving up to some people but I'm also doing what's best for me.

Then again I can't help but wonder was he only talking to me because it's almost Valentine's Day....


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