Sunday, December 9, 2012

Miss U

On this day, 4 years ago. I can't say I recall what time I woke up, but I know the sunrise look and felt weak. It was bitterly cold. Fresh snow covered the grounds like powered sugar on a pastry. My mind was blank and my world felt dull. My heart had stopped beating on the 28th of November. But as for me I wasn't in December, it wasn't the 9th. There was nothing to be happy about, nothing to be proud or even sad over. My life had crumbled before me without a warning or a sign. I couldn't even save it, let alone fix it all in due time.

I got dressed and prepared and told myself not to cry. You've got to be strong, this isn't the time. As we traveled to the Mauve colored home that felt like an eternity to get to. I still whispered, please don't cry, this isn't the time. As my mom walked before me dazed and confused. I couldn't help but get angry at the fact an uninvited guest had arrived and said that my alibi wasn't reliable, let alone pliable. I hurt her feelings the way she had hurt mine. I stood there in the hallway with my mother. Wondering where the crowd from last night had gone, were people so busy that this wasn't important to them. Or we're they being selfish and didn't care one way or another??

We took our seats and I stared at the ceiling. Told myself again, don't cry—this definitely isn't the time. As people got up and spoke their minds, said how sorry they felt. The desolate tune in the background sung. I sat there wondering where and when my life begun, where it had ended, when the sequels started and how do I move on? I knew I had to stay positive and push on, press on, fight on. Keep Calm and Carry On.

The whole while I couldn't look at his face. But then my eye sight drifted. That's when I lost face. Don't cry please, please don't cry.… But how could anyone not cry sitting there at time like this and a location like that—watching a live spectacle of something to never take place ever again?

So many flashbacks flooded my head. The good, the bad—even the ugly and despaired. As blackened tears trailed my face, his serenity took me aback and I couldn't help but feel happy at his peace. But at the same time I was angry he was leaving me. Thrust into this cold world of uncertainty. He was my everything, he was my protector, lover and king. He did whatever he could for me. Now all that was gone, here I am a black little lamb face with a life full of uncertainty—sobbing ridiculously.

As we made our way to the Garden of Peace. At the top of the hill, not too far from the big tree and clutter of shrubbery. More words were spoken, more tears had fallen. In the bitter cold. My mother felt it was time to go and I didn't want to—but I did what I was told. Unhappily searching to be consoled and told where do I go from here. We went home, to a cold empty heartless place. Full of memories, even death's lingering embrace. I climbed the stairs to my room and cuddle close to a pillow and let the nirvana of slumber take me in. Only soon to be awaken again, because he haunts my very dreams and nightmares. Making it hard not to care.

I went back to my little home that night. In my room I stayed, huddled with a pillow hoping for sleep. Hoping for another chance to see his smiling face….

4 years ago today I buried my father who died on Thanksgiving day. No I don't wish to celebrate, and I wish I could skip all holidays. It just isn't the same, nor is it ever going to be. I can never remember what I ate yesterday or what happened decades ago. But when this time of the year comes, I relive those weeks prior and after my father's death, like they were a wound ripped open and made fresh.

Now you know why I've been dragging about and been cranky and unhappy. My daddy meant the world to me and to not have that it breaks my heart. Even more so knowing one day my mother will leave me to. I'll be here all alone. Intriguingly, I doubt I'll ever be able to get over this, no matter how much time I get.

But this year in honor of him, I painted my nails so that I know I will never forget and that he understands that I keep his love forever in my fingertips' grasps.

I Miss Everything About You and I Wished You Would've Stayed Awhile Longer...


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