Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A Lesser Known Alternative In The Time Of Need


I had to take a moment from life before I decided to write about this particular topic.

All I remember hearing as a kid was that as a child I need to make tons of friends and then me and those friends will spend the next some odd 10+ years together and as we grow older we would grow closer and still be friends well into our old age. I can honestly say that I've always believed in that and honored it to the fullest.

However even early on, I would lose a new friend I just made or one would just up and move to a new school and if I happen to see them, they would stare and act like I was apart of the store merchandise. But, I refuse to let that deter me and I wanted to prevail. So I tried my best to make as many friends as I could and always be nice and kind to people and be as open as I could.

But like before, I lost friends, and then as I got older, I started getting my feelings hurt. If I happened to like a boy in school, so did my friend. Would even be bold enough to try whatever they could to stop me from liking that person or even date them. They would blame me for things I was never capable of, like stealing books from the library or participating in a food fight or skipping school.

Then it was time for college. The very place where you make friendships count because they also lead to networking in the work force and to have another name added to the list of people that you know. But even then, with my limited social time. I still tried my best to make friends and I will say the more open I became, I ended up with tons of friends and people I knew and even held quite a few of those people close. Unfortunately when my dad died and I moved to a new place and even ended up not graduating, they treated me like a childhood memory. Only memorable for the right designated time, never just because they like me for me.

From that time up until now, I tried to keep those friends close to me and make sure the friendship would never end up ragged and broken or a lost cause completely. But they never tried and distanced themselves from me without giving me a reason and only showed up in my life when they wanted money, a free-all-expense-paid-by-me field trip to the movies, or a babysitter or a present giver since I wasn't good enough for a party invitation.

Even now when I voice how they make me feel and say so, they tell me how negative I'm being and how I need to grow up and do this and do that. But when they have an issue or problem they come-a-running and expect me to be Super Wonder Woman and solve all their problems. Even if I did decide to help or assist, I can't even get a thank you.

I never for once thought that I would grow up into a woman who's never had a real friend or have someone else actually care about me other than my parents. I already have a sorry family who doesn't give a damn about me, but to even try to find friends to fill up such a void was even harder for me and made me even more unhappier additionally unable to trust anybody. I even think now that I lost my best friend. I chose not to try to repair our already strained relationship because I wanted to know if she was willing to go the distance and make it work. She never did. I find that sad, but maybe it was for the better and that's perfectly ok.

I can't say if I'll even make a new friend. There are a few I've made over the year I'm happy stuck it out with me and that's makes glad. I hope to keep them in my life forever even if they're just internet friends. But I can't honestly see myself becoming close to a physical human being if they're always going to half ass everything. What kind of friend, goes months without talking to you and then finally shows up like nothing happens and boasts about being so busy with their "happy completed" life and they basically spent the time ignoring the shit out of you?? That's worst than being in love with someone who led you to believe they loved you and put forth the effort to make you love them, then dropped you immediately once their "problem" worked itself out and then you find out they don't even consider you a living human being how they love their significant other so much, whom you knew nothing about....

I don't like being second, third or last. If I can't be first, then we shouldn't have any interaction. In any case, regardless I'll always try to make you a top priority in my life, it may not be "right now" or "immediately" however it will be prompt and worth it I guarantee it. Unfortunately since no one wanted to take that kind of time with me, I can't help but categorize everyone in the same group and never be close to anybody expect my mother.

But that's life, maybe next time I'll take a different approach.


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