Saturday, November 10, 2012

Bunny's Confessions #10

"A Compassionate Bitch"

A lot of people have told me over the recent years that my attitude has become less than pleasing even at a satisfactory level. To a point I understand that. I miss being nice and sweet to everybody. However I also got tired of being taken as a fool and always getting my feelings hurt whilst they roamed about happy and gay about what happened. In most cases it was deemed as being my fault and mine alone and how they were the ones suffering and hurting.

Well unfortunately my nasty attitude towards people has dubbed me being a Bitch. I can't help it. People have hurt me and said fuck my feelings from the beginning so it's only natural I feel this way towards all people. I didn't become cranky and bitter on my own. Don't tell me that trusting people is the best thing since microwavable rice. When in fact that person does take me for granted or uses me or tells me how useless I am. No, I don't want to hear it. It's mostly done as a defense mechanism because I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to take the risk of being hurt. I've already been hurt too many times and when I'm feeling down or out or need a shoulder to cry on, no ones around or I'm told my problems aren't urgently important as theirs always seem to be. It gets old. Anybody would get tired of that.

Even now I get tired of hearing from people who only want to talk to me when they want or need something. They don't talk to me otherwise. We go for weeks without speaking and they pop up out of the blue like nothing should never change. It's even worst when they're coupled off to someone. They only call when they want a present for one of their affairs or when they need a free babysitter to go out partying and have a good time.

Then there's a part of me that gets jealous and wish I had what they had. The crowd full of friends, the loving significant other and all the other Happy Fairy Tale ending accessories. Then I learn to despise people because I can't understand why exactly I can't have that. Because of this constant back and forth of "oh here you go, oh no change my mind give it back" I got tired and said screw it. I don't want what they've got. If it means I have to be tortured to get it I'm not really that interested—ever. I rather die alone in a home for old people who have no families. That's the way my future's going to turn out anyway.

But for the small remainder of people who stuck it out with me. I love them to death and they mean the world to me. I want to keep them in my life for as long as I can. They also take time out of their busy day to talk to me or to say hello even. That, that right there makes me happy. It makes me overjoyed to have such special people in my life. It's also nice to know I don't have to second guess their intentions. I don't have to worry if they're still going to be around 6 or 12 months from now. They're there and I'm happy. It's like a small dream come true in a way. It may not be the way I wish it had turn out but it's still good and makes me happy.

Unfortunately because of all the bullshit I've received in my life. Starting over for me is a big deal, no matter how many times I've started something over. I always ended up with the same results: Me alone, them have everything they want and happy. Not fair to say the least.

But I do know one thing. I will never build another physical relationship with another human being ever in this life time. I want to be alone, it's safe for my heart and I don't have be depressed and vulnerable. It's better that way too. I didn't build these walls around me, nor am I going to be the only one to take them down repeatedly for nothing.

Even though there's that little piece of hope that tells me things will change to the way I like. I can't fully believe in it, because its let me down before and it'll let me down again. I have todo what's best for my heart and if that means to shut the world out, then so be it.

In the mean time I'll still remain the Compassionate Bitch that I am. It seems to entertain a flock of people lol.

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