Thursday, October 25, 2012

Witchcraft | Torn

For the last couple weeks I've been disgusted with the person I love the most. He went back to being mean and nasty to me. I decided to leave it alone and not pursue it anymore.

What may have seemed like petty actions to others. His actions was speaking loud and clear. Telling me that he didn't want nothing to do with me. What hurts the most is that I'm sure he knows as much as I do. But yet he didn't care either way.

I still really care about him. But I also know I'm wasting my time and need to leave it alone.

Yesterday I saw him for the first time in weeks or so. Maybe even a month. Sitting there wasting time before he checked out for work. While I was at the parking lot letting my jealousy be fueled by the girls who were eating ice cream together. I happened to hear his voice. Even though I was a good distance away. I could still hear his voice, smell his cologne and notice his every moment as he talked to a coworker.

Then as I watched him pull off and head home to his wife and kids. I couldn't help but develop a serious hate for her. She has it all and is so unappreciative. Yet he's contented with it all. Pick up what she lacks here and there from any girl and go right back home to her. Then I sit there and wonder what makes her and any other woman for that matter so special to pick up any guy? What makes them so approachable and want-able?

Then I got a twinge in my heart from thinking about the three years I wasted loving him when he had no intentions from the beginning to love me. Whether I wasn't good enough or what he wanted. I wasted good love that could've and should've went to someone else more deserving. But that void he put into my heart made me make bad decisions and hurt myself that much more. To the point I hate everything about and pertaining to love.

I don't like to see it, hear about it, not even be subjected to it. I can't stand it anymore it makes me sick—literally.

I just don't understand how you can fall in love with someone who doesn't love you and they're perfectly ok with that. The whole while you're hurting and aching on the inside.

So I sat there wanting cry. Disgusted I wasted good love on, not one but two, people who had no intention of loving me from the beginning. Unlike everyone else who gets up and try again. I don't want to. Unlike them I don't have the friends who have strong shoulders to cry on. I'll be all alone crying to myself and attempt at giving myself a hug to know that maybe one day it'll be ok, even though I know deep down that's not true.

I guess I'm just torn. I still love him and probably always will. But I can't find it in myself to endure another painful love where I get nothing but hurt in return and left all alone.

As far as I'm concerned I don't want love ever again not even the next life time. Let me stay bitter, my heart is protected that way.

No sooner had I finished typing this. I saw him. Could help but think of his cologne, the way he touched me, his beautiful smile, that ruggedness in the tone of his voice. Smiling happy and contented. I stood there watching walk away, the only time I get an eyeful of him. While my stomach was butterflied and my heart ached.

It made me wonder how I can hate someone I love so much. I guess this is what it means to be torn between the two.

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