Friday, October 5, 2012


I realized early this morning that I seem to be getting way too attached to someone whom I consider just a friend and I already nothing going to progress into something else or become something more. But yet I look forward to talking to them everyday, love the way they make me smile and laugh. I even have the nerve to become jealous or upset when something doesn't go right for them.

For the longest I had assumed that it strictly just for my being compassionate for them. Just the way I am with almost anyone I feel or am close to. But all that changed this morning when I had this twinge in my heart. I realized I was caring too much for this person and I had to sit there and wonder am I really falling for them when I said I wouldn't and didn't have need too. So I assumed that I would say no more communication nothing else. But then I couldn't help let them cross my mind and my thoughts run wild.

Then I had to wonder, am I feeling this way because I gave up on the other him?? I feel like I'm at a crossroad. Both roads lead to a dead end and I have to really wonder is it worth it going down the other would be worth it. Last time I did so I ended up hurt, mad, and spiteful towards men. Is this just an infatuation or is my heart and body telling me I'm lacking something very important.

If that is the case, that I'm lacking something. What exactly do I do about?? How do I go about relieving this ache and turning it into pleasure?? My heart is scarred, hurt and off standish of all kinds of people. I been hurt so much and I refuse to let anyone in. Well actually I'm tired of letting people in and giving them the best of me and they just trample on me and throw me to the curb like I don't deserve respect let alone reciprocated treatment. I guess that's why I can't let people in and be apart if my life. There's no point in having many friends and still be lonely and feel unwanted; unloved.

Maybe in due time I'll figure this new warmth in my heart. Hopefully it can be eased or brought out into something beautiful, maybe—

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